What I've Learned

As my journey as a single mom has come to an end, I wanted my last post to be about what I've learned. 

Over these last five years, Talon and I have developed a special bond, one that I'm so grateful for. He's my sidekick, my wingman, and my sunshine on all my cloudy days.  Many single parents can relate I'm sure. And though I'm completely happy how my life is playing out, if I can give one piece of advice to future parents, it would be this--

Don't become a single parent.

I bet you didn't see that one coming, did you?

I should start by saying I don't regret having Talon. He is the biggest blessing in my life, and I'm even more grateful for him knowing there is a chance I might not be able to have any more children. What I do wish is that I would have waited until I was in a stable relationship before I had him. Why? Well for the obvious reason-- it would have made life much easier for everyone. 

Talon's dad and I have a great relationship. As a matter of fact, I consider him a friend. We do a great job of co-parenting. We've never had to have a judge tell us who's getting Talon when and who pays for what. We have a mutual agreement where we split everything right down the middle. We have a set schedule with him but both are flexible with it. We still sit together at Talon's ball games, school functions, etc. along with both of our families. We make parenting decisions together.  We have mutual respect and appreciation for each other. We work together to do what's best for Talon. And it makes life so much easier for all of us, but most importantly, it makes it easier for Talon.

So you may be thinking, 'sounds pretty great to me.' Well, it is. But (there's always a but) there are still things that are just plain tough about being a single parent.

You miss out on special moments with your child. First word, first steps, first time riding a bike without training wheels-- there's a chance those things could happen when they are with their other parent and you'll miss it. And what's even worse,  someone else might get to share those moments with your child.


It's hard to find someone who is understanding of your relationship with the other parent. One of the many reasons I love TJ is because he gets it. He has never questioned my relationship with Talon's dad. If we talk or text, he never asks why. And TJ and Talon's dad get along great, too.  But TJ is rare. It takes a someone very secure with their self and their relationship to be able to handle that, and that's hard to find.


You still have to have a relationship with the other parent. The romance may be gone but assuming that other parent is still in your child's life, you are still stuck with that person for the rest of your life. And if that other parent doesn't want to be civil, it could make for a very stressful life for yourself, and your child.


Being away from your child never gets easier. Never. After 5 years of sharing my time with Talon, I think it gets harder instead of easier. When he's gone for not even a day I'm ready to have him home. And fortunately for Talon he has a dad who wants to be with him as much as I do so that means sometimes going several days without him. And the house just feels empty.

 It's hard. The financial stress, the emotional stress, the physical stress. I remember my first weekend as a single parent. My family and I went to Michigan for my cousin's wedding. Talon was right in the middle of his terrible twos and he was not happy that weekend. He would cry, and cry, and cry. And the only thing that would help is me holding him. My parents tried to help but even they couldn't make him happy. I didn't get to enjoy spending time with my family because I was spending all of my time trying to make my grumpy baby, happy. If his dad were there, we could have taken turns trying to console him. But he wasn't. It was all on me, and that's when the reality of being a single parent hit me right square in the face. Not only do you not have help taking care of your child, but you now also have financial stress. Paying rent/house payment, utilities, groceries, all things that could be split if you were still with the parent of your child. But now you both are paying these separately, to live in two separate places. This means you are both probably working full time, maybe even two jobs, and leaving even less time you get to spend with your child. This is exactly why so many single parent homes are living in poverty. This can get me on another tangent but to spare myself the time, check out this article,  here.


It will affect your child. I really believe the relationship Talon's dad and I have couldn't get any better. But even still, it still effects Talon. He rarely gets to be with both of his parents at the same time. There are days he's with his dad and he misses his mom. There are days he's with me and he misses his dad. Furthermore, the stress mentioned above will also affect your child. And being a child of a parent(s) who is dating is hard, too. I didn't really bring Talon around anyone I dated, until TJ. I did this to protect him and I didn't want to think it was normal for people to come in and out of his life, but this turned out to be a double edged sword. Since he had my full attention for 5 years, it was tough on him when TJ and I started dating. Talon finally had to share my attention with someone else, and he didn't like it. It took time for him to accept him.

So here is my advice to future parents-- wait until you are in a stable relationship that you intend on lasting forever, and will fight for, before you have a child. 

Now I know that sometimes, no matter what you do, it's out of your control and it doesn't always work out. If that's the road you are headed down, here is my final advice to you--

Don't give up to easily. If your relationship with the other parent of your child is on the rocks, don't give up. If there is any chance that you can make that relationship work, do it. Talon's dad and I put each other through the ringer trying to make it work. I can honestly say we did everything we could. But at the end of the day, we both realized there was just something missing, something we couldn't change, so we cut ties and moved on, and I still feel confident we made the right decision.

Give yourself some space before you start dating. In any breakup, it's easy to cling on to someone else. It's a comfort thing. It's hard to go from always having someone around to not. And it's even easier to do so when you have a kid, because you do need that extra support. But dating someone for those reasons are the wrong reasons and its' just going to lead to another messy, complicated relationship, which is the last thing your child needs. 

When you do start dating, don't bring that person around your child too soon. You need to focus on your relationship with the person you are dating before your child enters the equation. You need to be sure you all have something first. Otherwise, if you bring your child in too soon then feelings for your child can be confused with feelings about the relationship. And by time you two realize that, your child is already attached to this person you are dating and will be the one who suffers when that relationship ends. 

Don't fight with your child's parent in front of your child. No matter how great your relationship with the parent of your child is, you will fight. Just like any relationship-- friendship, relationships with family members, marriage-- you are going to fight. And that's okay. What's not okay is doing it around your child. If they know that you two aren't getting along, it's going to make them feel awkward and uncomfortable, like you would be mad at them for liking the other parent. Children love their parents unconditionally. So it's not fair to ever make them feel like that's not okay. They shouldn't ever feel like they have to pick sides. 

Don't make your drama public. For the love of sweet baby Jesus, if you are mad at the parent of your child, don't post it on Facebook. It is absolutely no one's business but your own, and all it will do is just make the matters worse. You are a parent, be responsible and respectful and leave your dirty laundry at home.

Treat the other parent as you would want to be treated. Point blank.

Last but not least, it's not about you anymore. Once you have a kid, all decisions you make should be with their best interest in mind. That's if you are with the other parent or not. At the end of the day, we all want a good life for our children. And sometimes that means swallowing our pride, compromising, and accepting things even when we don't want to. 

Confession::

 

I've been debating on whether or not I wanted to continue my blog now that I'm no longer a 'single mom'. But what I'm learning is being a once single, now re-married mom is quite the adventure and a learning experience in itself, and I feel it's only right to share this new journey. :)


 

On To The Next Chapter

I have a husband, ya'll! It's FINALLY starting to sink in!

These past few days, heck, weeks have been such a whirlwind. Work'in, mom'in, wedding plan'in--- I thought that by just doing a 'celebration dinner' with family and close friends, it wouldn't be as stressful as planning a full blown wedding. Turns out it is, that is if you try to do it in just a couple of weeks time, which is what I did. But you know what? It was totally worth it! 

This weekend was one of the best of my life. It was so fun, so simple, and so beautiful. I enjoyed spending time with family and friends, I couldn't have asked for better weather, the food, decor, and location was amazing, but more importantly, I can't believe that I'm married to the man of my dreams! The happiness I feel is more than I ever thought was possible. The only thing that could have made this weekend better would have been if I could have celebrated with my sweet cousins, but I have no doubt they were with me in spirit.

When I began my journey as a single mom, I really believed that it would just be me and Talon forever. When I dated, there was always just something missing. I thought maybe I had missed my chance at finding love. I was sooooo wrong. It all changed in one night. And nothing has ever felt more right. 

It will happen when you least expect it, they say. 

Well, they were right.

I've enjoyed my journey these past five years as a single mom, but I'm so excited to close that chapter and begin this new chapter with my new family. 

 Now what to change the title of my blog to? 

My final post as a 'single mom' will be what I've learned... Stay tuned for that one. Should be very interesting.

Somebody Is Getting Married!!

.................. and that somebody is ME! (and TJ) 

As excited as I am, this was a difficult decision to make. Not the getting married part, that part was easy, but the when and the how. We had originally decided to get married in September, but then went back and forth trying to decide if it was the right thing to do.  As mentioned in a recent post, it just doesn't feel right to celebrate something that my aunt and uncle will never get to share with their children. Should we still go through with our original plans? Should we wait until next year to get married? Should we still get married in September but have a reception next year? After a lot of thinking, talking, and praying, I realized that no matter how much time passes, there will always be moments and events that unfortunately will be emotionally difficult for my aunt and uncle and our family in general. So the right thing to do is to enjoy the good times, the good moments, and the good events, and that's just what we are going to do. 

I decided to forgo an actual wedding ceremony. Now you may be thinking, 'That's the most important part!" Well, yeah, I get that, and it will still happen, just not in the traditional way. A wedding ceremony is essentially when you exchange rings and vows, the promise to love and care for each other forever and ever. That's something I had vowed a long time ago when I realized TJ was it. In my eyes, we are just making it official, and will do so in the presence of our parents, Talon, and our best guy and best girl. What I'm most concerned about is celebrating this commitment with our family and close friends. There isn't a time that I'm happier than when I'm with my entire family. And that's all I want- to celebrate the good times, and appreciate the good times and the good moments.  We aren't going to have the traditional wedding ceremony and reception. Instead, we are going to have a wedding celebration. And it feels right.

It's exciting to FINALLY come to a decision that I feel good about. What's not exciting is the planning, or lack thereof. The tent, table, and chairs have been rented buuuuuuuuut that's about it. Did I mention this is happening in 19 days? I do have my dress. Invites should go out this week. Should. I know who I want to do the catering. I do know whose doing the cake/cupcakes. I know who's going to help with decorating. I mean, I've got it all figured out in my head AND have some things pinned on my Pinterest account. Doesn't that count for something? I'm really not too stressed about it, that's because I have a family full of party planners and I have full confidence in them. :) 

All I'm really concerned about is being surrounded by our family and close friends, all 75 of them.

Oh and did I mention we are having this at mom and dad's new house? You know, the house they still haven't moved into yet?  I thought it would be a fun way to break it in. :)

Happy Wife, Happy Life

Happy Wife, Happy Life, at least that's what I've been trying to tell TJ. Now I know technically we aren't married yet but we might as well be. Thanks to my house selling way quicker than I ever imagined, TJ and I have been living together for the last couple of months. One of the hardest things about giving up my home was well, giving up my home. And not the physical, structural part of it, but the decor, furnishings, the set up, everything that made that house my home. It was exactly the way I wanted it, now it's gone. 

So naturally the first thing that I wanted to do when I moved in was redo and redecorate everything so it felt like home. Can you imagine TJ's excitement? Yeah it didn't really go over to smoothly at first. I mean, I get it. This has been his place, the way he wanted it and now I'm coming in and making it how I want it. BUT on the other side, I gave up my home to live in his home so I think it was well justified. Right? Right.

So anyways, this house has 4 bedrooms, 3.5 baths, a kitchen, dining room, and 3 living/family rooms. A BIG change from my 3 bed, 1 bath house. So where to begin? 

I started with Talon's room. Moving was a HUGE change for him too. I wanted to do whatever I needed to make sure he felt comfortable, and comfort came in the form of a $800 bunk bed that took two days to put together. Am I a sucker or what? But I do love how his room and bathroom turned out. It screams 'big boy'. I also wanted to make sure Talon had space to play, so the third bedroom became his playroom. It's right across the room from his bedroom so it works out perfectly, that is until we have more kids. At that point, Talon probably won't be playing with toys and might be off to college by then but anyways..... 

 

 

Next was the half bathroom on the main level. I feel like this is the only bathroom that I could decorate 'girly' because the master bath is shared between Teej and I, Talon has his own bathroom, and the bathroom downstairs is a guest/man cave bathroom that I'm not authorized to touch. So here's how that turned out--

Then I tackled the kitchen and dining room. The only thing I really did in the kitchen was put up some of my decorations. They actually matched up perfectly with a lot of what he had. High five! Then I painted the dining room from Kentucky Blue to Tiffany Blue. And I love it! I have dreams of getting a long wooden-ish dining room table that seats 8 but that's down the road....

Last was the front family room. Now this room is my fav. This room really didn't get used much and I decided to make it into my room, not bedroom, but my playroom/man cave. And I looooove how it turned out! I call it my library, even though I realized I need more books. This is where I spend a lot of my time, on my computer, reading the paper (yeah I'm that person),and just hanging out. It's so comfortable and relaxing. 

I have yet to tackle the main living room, master bed/bath, and landscaping but I'm saving those projects for next spring

Now you may be thinking, "Wow, you really did take over." Wellllll, not entirely. The entire basement is still TJ's and it's exactly the same as it was before I moved in. It's completely decked out in OU and KY sports decor and all that 'guy' stuff, from the family room, to the bathroom, to the bedroom.   

So we all have our own space and everyone's happy, happy, happy.

See? Happy Wife, Happy Life. 

Living With A Chronic Disease

Two years now I've been living with this thing they call leukemia, Chronic Myelogenous Leukemia to be exact. Also known as CML.

I remember the day I was diagnosed so vividly, the whole experience leading up to my diagnosis really. Every moment, every thought, every fear, and hearing those words uttered by my oncologist-- 'you have leukemia'. I didn't know what to expect aside from what my doctor had told me and what I had learned from the little research I did. So to say these last couple of years have been a learning experience, well that's an understatement to say the least.

Year one was rough, and not because of the CML itself, but because of the Gleevec. Gleevec is a targeted type of 'chemo' that only kills the 'bad' cells. Since there is no cure for CML, it's something I'll have to take everyday for the rest of my life. There are three stages of CML. The goal of the treatment is to keep you in the first stage, which is where I was and still am and will hopefully always will be. CML doesn't make you sick until you reach the second and most definitely the third stage. So the 'roughness' I had to deal with was adjusting to my medication.  A lot of medications come with side effects, that's a given. If I take a phenergan, it makes me soooo sleepy. If I take certain types of prescription pain pills, it makes me itch. Imagine taking something that kills your blood cells. Yeeeah.  Year one was filled with nausea, extreme fatigue, rashes, anxiety, headaches, edema, bone pain, and dehydration, just to name a few. I couldn't make it through a full work day so I began  working from home. I had to cancel some trips from being too sick. My social life became pretty much non-existent because I was way too exhausted. I was leery to try most foods because I didn't know how it would react to my medication and I didn't want to chance hugging the toilet more than I had to. More days than not I didn't feel good. I can't tell you how many days and nights I just cried out of frustration. And then there was the bone marrow biopsy and aspiration. Seriously the most pain I've ever experienced, ever. If you know of anyone who has to get one of these, buy them an ice cream cone or something. Trust me, they'll deserve it.

Then there was year two. And it was soooo much better, and more consistent. Most days I'm still dealing with the extreme fatigue, dehydration, headaches, and nausea. I know that still sounds miserable (and it can be) BUT here's the kicker-- I've finally began to learn how to cope and manage it. One of the first things my doctor advised me to do was to 'listen to my body'. Yeah okay, like my body is going to talk to me. Turns out, there was a reason why he's the doctor and I'm not. He was totally right. When I'm tired, I lay down. Most nights I'm in bed by 9pm. Not because I want to be, but because I know if I don't, then I won't feel good the next day. I've learned not to overdo it because if I do, I'll pay for it the next day. I now only drink one caffeinated beverage a day. If I try to slip in another, I get the biggest headache and feel 10x more dehydrated than I had already felt. I drink more water, I've learned what to eat and what not to eat. I've learned that I can't do and be the way I was before leukemia, that I have no choice but to adjust and make a lifestyle change, whether I want to or not, because if I don't, I'm going to be a lot more sick and miserable than I have to be. I always have water and sour candy with me at all times (the candy helps with nausea, so does pickles, weird I know) I try to always drive when possible because otherwise, I'll most likely get car sick. I've learned when to take each of my 10-14 medications each day, and what it take it with. I've learned not to take a certain medication after eating greasy food.  There are only a few days where I feel 100% good but most other days, I'm about at 80%, which is a lot better than the first year. But low and behold, there are still some days that no matter what I do, nothing helps, and I have no choice but to lie at the mercy of the side effects and just try to sleep through it. And those days are still emotionally tolling. If you read my post a couple of months ago called "Cancer Pass", then you know what I'm talking about (click here to read).

It's on those days that I remind myself of a quote from a fellow CML patient:

"The truth is, there is nothing easy about chronic diseases. At the best of times, they are a nuisance that we keep in mind, but at worst, they take hold of our personal and professional lives. My own career choices have at times been altered because of it. One of my biggest regrets will always be not being able to follow through on a dream because of it. So I adjust the sails, and try to compensate, and everything works out in some way, whether for the best or not. And we hold on until it retreats into the background once more. We hold on, and we hope for the better day. Because on those days, we are infinite." 

So true, so so true.

I think what has really changed from year one to year two is acceptance. Initially, I was determined to live my life as I did before being diagnosed with leukemia.  But I finally realized that whether I liked it or not, if I didn't want to be miserable, I would have to adjust my life. And I did. And you know what, it hasn't been so bad. The best part-- I still get to pursue a career that I love, I still get to do most of the things that I love, I still get to spend time with my sweet baby boy and family, I still get to marry the man of my dreams, and a second chance at life which I've recently been reminded is a true blessing- all of which wouldn't be possible if it weren't for the medication that causes all of these pesky side effects.

I think I can handle that trade off. 

(Picture of my cutie supporting the orange for his momma)

The next obstacle for me will be having more kids. I'm hopeful it will happen but only time will tell....

To follow my entire journey from beginning to now, click.here.

Confession: 

One of the best things I could have done this past year was to join a CML support group. It's been wonderful talking to other people around my age who are also living with CML.  It makes me feel not so crazy when I hear that they are dealing with similar issues as I am. I've also connected with some newly diagnosed CML patients to let them know what to expect, how to deal, and offer encouragement, support, and hope. It's been very therapeutic.

Survivor's Guilt

Seeing all of the Facebook posts about parents sending off their children to college has brought about a lot of emotions these last couple of days.  I can't help but think, "That's supposed to be Brianna. Tonya and David should be enjoying this bittersweet moment with their daughter, who was so eager to go to WKU and begin a new chapter in her life."  But they're not. Instead, they are trying to figure out what their new purpose in life is, a life without either of their children.

Weeks have past, life has slowed down, and slowly we've all attempted to get back into our day to day routine. And it's been hard.  It still doesn't feel right to go on with life as 'normal', especially knowing that my aunt and uncle can't. I think all of my family has been suffering from 'survivors guilt', on top of the sadness that we already feel. It's hard. 

It's hard passing by both of the places where Brice and Brianna had their accidents and seeing those crosses. It's hard going to their graves and realizing, they really are gone. I still get the biggest pit in my stomach every time I remind myself of this. It's hard seeing my aunt and uncle break down, knowing there is absolutely nothing we can do to fix this. Every time I see the If I Stay movie preview, I cry, because it hits way to close to home. It's hard.

But I will tell you, some of my happiest moments have been with my family. My aunt and uncle took a few days to just get away and before leaving, we all had dinner together. For two hours, we laughed, we cried, and we laughed some more. I left the restaurant that night with a sense of peace, and it felt great. 

Then a week later, my family played in a softball tournament that benefited my cousins.  It was the most fun I have had in a very long time. Just being on a field playing a sport that my cousins loved, together as a family, laughing and having a good time, I didn't want the moment to end. But it did, it always does, and we go back to our day to day routine, waiting for those moments that allow us to escape our sadness and just enjoy the moment in front of us. And those moments are so, so sweet. 

I'm still struggling with enjoying things in life and not feeling guilty about it. TJ and I had planned on getting married in September but we've gone back and forth on what we should do because it just doesn't feel right to celebrate something that my aunt and uncle will never get to share with their children. Even something as simple as blogging about personal life things doesn't seem right. But I know my aunt and uncle want us all to continue to enjoy our lives, probably now more than ever knowing that we really aren't promised tomorrow, and I'm going to try to. But I don't know if I or any of us will ever be able to fully until the day my aunt and uncle can enjoy their lives again.

And I long for that day.