Happy Wife, Happy Life

Happy Wife, Happy Life, at least that's what I've been trying to tell TJ. Now I know technically we aren't married yet but we might as well be. Thanks to my house selling way quicker than I ever imagined, TJ and I have been living together for the last couple of months. One of the hardest things about giving up my home was well, giving up my home. And not the physical, structural part of it, but the decor, furnishings, the set up, everything that made that house my home. It was exactly the way I wanted it, now it's gone. 

So naturally the first thing that I wanted to do when I moved in was redo and redecorate everything so it felt like home. Can you imagine TJ's excitement? Yeah it didn't really go over to smoothly at first. I mean, I get it. This has been his place, the way he wanted it and now I'm coming in and making it how I want it. BUT on the other side, I gave up my home to live in his home so I think it was well justified. Right? Right.

So anyways, this house has 4 bedrooms, 3.5 baths, a kitchen, dining room, and 3 living/family rooms. A BIG change from my 3 bed, 1 bath house. So where to begin? 

I started with Talon's room. Moving was a HUGE change for him too. I wanted to do whatever I needed to make sure he felt comfortable, and comfort came in the form of a $800 bunk bed that took two days to put together. Am I a sucker or what? But I do love how his room and bathroom turned out. It screams 'big boy'. I also wanted to make sure Talon had space to play, so the third bedroom became his playroom. It's right across the room from his bedroom so it works out perfectly, that is until we have more kids. At that point, Talon probably won't be playing with toys and might be off to college by then but anyways..... 

 

 

Next was the half bathroom on the main level. I feel like this is the only bathroom that I could decorate 'girly' because the master bath is shared between Teej and I, Talon has his own bathroom, and the bathroom downstairs is a guest/man cave bathroom that I'm not authorized to touch. So here's how that turned out--

Then I tackled the kitchen and dining room. The only thing I really did in the kitchen was put up some of my decorations. They actually matched up perfectly with a lot of what he had. High five! Then I painted the dining room from Kentucky Blue to Tiffany Blue. And I love it! I have dreams of getting a long wooden-ish dining room table that seats 8 but that's down the road....

Last was the front family room. Now this room is my fav. This room really didn't get used much and I decided to make it into my room, not bedroom, but my playroom/man cave. And I looooove how it turned out! I call it my library, even though I realized I need more books. This is where I spend a lot of my time, on my computer, reading the paper (yeah I'm that person),and just hanging out. It's so comfortable and relaxing. 

I have yet to tackle the main living room, master bed/bath, and landscaping but I'm saving those projects for next spring

Now you may be thinking, "Wow, you really did take over." Wellllll, not entirely. The entire basement is still TJ's and it's exactly the same as it was before I moved in. It's completely decked out in OU and KY sports decor and all that 'guy' stuff, from the family room, to the bathroom, to the bedroom.   

So we all have our own space and everyone's happy, happy, happy.

See? Happy Wife, Happy Life. 

Living With A Chronic Disease

Two years now I've been living with this thing they call leukemia, Chronic Myelogenous Leukemia to be exact. Also known as CML.

I remember the day I was diagnosed so vividly, the whole experience leading up to my diagnosis really. Every moment, every thought, every fear, and hearing those words uttered by my oncologist-- 'you have leukemia'. I didn't know what to expect aside from what my doctor had told me and what I had learned from the little research I did. So to say these last couple of years have been a learning experience, well that's an understatement to say the least.

Year one was rough, and not because of the CML itself, but because of the Gleevec. Gleevec is a targeted type of 'chemo' that only kills the 'bad' cells. Since there is no cure for CML, it's something I'll have to take everyday for the rest of my life. There are three stages of CML. The goal of the treatment is to keep you in the first stage, which is where I was and still am and will hopefully always will be. CML doesn't make you sick until you reach the second and most definitely the third stage. So the 'roughness' I had to deal with was adjusting to my medication.  A lot of medications come with side effects, that's a given. If I take a phenergan, it makes me soooo sleepy. If I take certain types of prescription pain pills, it makes me itch. Imagine taking something that kills your blood cells. Yeeeah.  Year one was filled with nausea, extreme fatigue, rashes, anxiety, headaches, edema, bone pain, and dehydration, just to name a few. I couldn't make it through a full work day so I began  working from home. I had to cancel some trips from being too sick. My social life became pretty much non-existent because I was way too exhausted. I was leery to try most foods because I didn't know how it would react to my medication and I didn't want to chance hugging the toilet more than I had to. More days than not I didn't feel good. I can't tell you how many days and nights I just cried out of frustration. And then there was the bone marrow biopsy and aspiration. Seriously the most pain I've ever experienced, ever. If you know of anyone who has to get one of these, buy them an ice cream cone or something. Trust me, they'll deserve it.

Then there was year two. And it was soooo much better, and more consistent. Most days I'm still dealing with the extreme fatigue, dehydration, headaches, and nausea. I know that still sounds miserable (and it can be) BUT here's the kicker-- I've finally began to learn how to cope and manage it. One of the first things my doctor advised me to do was to 'listen to my body'. Yeah okay, like my body is going to talk to me. Turns out, there was a reason why he's the doctor and I'm not. He was totally right. When I'm tired, I lay down. Most nights I'm in bed by 9pm. Not because I want to be, but because I know if I don't, then I won't feel good the next day. I've learned not to overdo it because if I do, I'll pay for it the next day. I now only drink one caffeinated beverage a day. If I try to slip in another, I get the biggest headache and feel 10x more dehydrated than I had already felt. I drink more water, I've learned what to eat and what not to eat. I've learned that I can't do and be the way I was before leukemia, that I have no choice but to adjust and make a lifestyle change, whether I want to or not, because if I don't, I'm going to be a lot more sick and miserable than I have to be. I always have water and sour candy with me at all times (the candy helps with nausea, so does pickles, weird I know) I try to always drive when possible because otherwise, I'll most likely get car sick. I've learned when to take each of my 10-14 medications each day, and what it take it with. I've learned not to take a certain medication after eating greasy food.  There are only a few days where I feel 100% good but most other days, I'm about at 80%, which is a lot better than the first year. But low and behold, there are still some days that no matter what I do, nothing helps, and I have no choice but to lie at the mercy of the side effects and just try to sleep through it. And those days are still emotionally tolling. If you read my post a couple of months ago called "Cancer Pass", then you know what I'm talking about (click here to read).

It's on those days that I remind myself of a quote from a fellow CML patient:

"The truth is, there is nothing easy about chronic diseases. At the best of times, they are a nuisance that we keep in mind, but at worst, they take hold of our personal and professional lives. My own career choices have at times been altered because of it. One of my biggest regrets will always be not being able to follow through on a dream because of it. So I adjust the sails, and try to compensate, and everything works out in some way, whether for the best or not. And we hold on until it retreats into the background once more. We hold on, and we hope for the better day. Because on those days, we are infinite." 

So true, so so true.

I think what has really changed from year one to year two is acceptance. Initially, I was determined to live my life as I did before being diagnosed with leukemia.  But I finally realized that whether I liked it or not, if I didn't want to be miserable, I would have to adjust my life. And I did. And you know what, it hasn't been so bad. The best part-- I still get to pursue a career that I love, I still get to do most of the things that I love, I still get to spend time with my sweet baby boy and family, I still get to marry the man of my dreams, and a second chance at life which I've recently been reminded is a true blessing- all of which wouldn't be possible if it weren't for the medication that causes all of these pesky side effects.

I think I can handle that trade off. 

(Picture of my cutie supporting the orange for his momma)

The next obstacle for me will be having more kids. I'm hopeful it will happen but only time will tell....

To follow my entire journey from beginning to now, click.here.

Confession: 

One of the best things I could have done this past year was to join a CML support group. It's been wonderful talking to other people around my age who are also living with CML.  It makes me feel not so crazy when I hear that they are dealing with similar issues as I am. I've also connected with some newly diagnosed CML patients to let them know what to expect, how to deal, and offer encouragement, support, and hope. It's been very therapeutic.

Survivor's Guilt

Seeing all of the Facebook posts about parents sending off their children to college has brought about a lot of emotions these last couple of days.  I can't help but think, "That's supposed to be Brianna. Tonya and David should be enjoying this bittersweet moment with their daughter, who was so eager to go to WKU and begin a new chapter in her life."  But they're not. Instead, they are trying to figure out what their new purpose in life is, a life without either of their children.

Weeks have past, life has slowed down, and slowly we've all attempted to get back into our day to day routine. And it's been hard.  It still doesn't feel right to go on with life as 'normal', especially knowing that my aunt and uncle can't. I think all of my family has been suffering from 'survivors guilt', on top of the sadness that we already feel. It's hard. 

It's hard passing by both of the places where Brice and Brianna had their accidents and seeing those crosses. It's hard going to their graves and realizing, they really are gone. I still get the biggest pit in my stomach every time I remind myself of this. It's hard seeing my aunt and uncle break down, knowing there is absolutely nothing we can do to fix this. Every time I see the If I Stay movie preview, I cry, because it hits way to close to home. It's hard.

But I will tell you, some of my happiest moments have been with my family. My aunt and uncle took a few days to just get away and before leaving, we all had dinner together. For two hours, we laughed, we cried, and we laughed some more. I left the restaurant that night with a sense of peace, and it felt great. 

Then a week later, my family played in a softball tournament that benefited my cousins.  It was the most fun I have had in a very long time. Just being on a field playing a sport that my cousins loved, together as a family, laughing and having a good time, I didn't want the moment to end. But it did, it always does, and we go back to our day to day routine, waiting for those moments that allow us to escape our sadness and just enjoy the moment in front of us. And those moments are so, so sweet. 

I'm still struggling with enjoying things in life and not feeling guilty about it. TJ and I had planned on getting married in September but we've gone back and forth on what we should do because it just doesn't feel right to celebrate something that my aunt and uncle will never get to share with their children. Even something as simple as blogging about personal life things doesn't seem right. But I know my aunt and uncle want us all to continue to enjoy our lives, probably now more than ever knowing that we really aren't promised tomorrow, and I'm going to try to. But I don't know if I or any of us will ever be able to fully until the day my aunt and uncle can enjoy their lives again.

And I long for that day.