The Grass Ain't Always Greener

This was my Time Hop today---

Now you may be thinking, “So what, looks like some random pictures of you hanging out with your son and nephew three years ago”.

Well, you’re right, that’s what those pictures are of. Talon wanted to have a sleepover so in true Mom/Aunt Dana fashion, I had the whole day planned—we went to Target, had dinner at Moe’s, walked over to the neighborhood firework spot, hung out outside alllllll night, then lit some fireworks (on a night that I’m pretty sure was a no fire-work night because of a recent drought but that’s beside the point). It was a fun night. It was a busy night. We didn’t stop until we went to bed, probably around midnight. It would be the last full night I’d ever have like that because the next morning, I would end up in the ER having my appendix removed, and hospitalized for the days following while the doctors tried to figure out what else was wrong with me—that I had cancer, Chronic Mylogeneous Leukemia, something I'd have for the rest of my hopefully very long life.

That was the last night I felt like me. It was the last time I could go non-stop all day long and never get tired. It was the last night I could eat whatever I wanted and not have to worry about how it would react with my body. It was the last night I wouldn’t have to drink water all day to ensure I didn’t get dehydrated. It was the last night that I felt ‘good’.

Since about two weeks after that night, I’ve been taking 9-12 pills daily. 4 of those pills are treatment—they control the leukemia. The others help with the side effects of those 4 pills.  If you’ve followed my journey than you know the side effects that come along with those medications—nausea, vomiting, extreme fatigue, bone pain, hair thinning, headaches, more nausea and fatigue, dehydration, food sensitivities and intolerances, and just overall not feeling good. And that’s been every day since. You can read more here. 

But for the last almost 2 months, I haven’t been taking any of my medications-- none, nada, zilch. And boy have I noticed a change. I’ve always assumed my sickness was coming from the side effects of the medications I was having to take to stay alive. In these last 2 months, I’ve really been able to tell just how much it has affected me.

My hair is thicker, I’m no longer nauseous, I’m not as sensitive or as intolerant to as many foods/drinks, I no longer have to revolve my day around making sure I prepare/eat a big enough meal at a certain time to prevent myself from later having to throw up and be miserable for the rest of the night. I’ve just felt better.

But here’s what I wasn’t expecting—even without taking those medications that constantly made me sick, I’m still don’t feel 100%. In my mind, it was always the meds that was making me sick and not the cancer and in those moments when I felt my worst, I always questioned whether quantity of life was more important than quality. Yes my meds keep me alive but if you can’t enjoy life is it worth it? Maybe I’d be better off not taking anything? But the cold hard truth I realized while being off my meds for the last couple of months—though the medications are a big blame, the cancer is to blame, too. Even though I do feel much better, I still battle with constant fatigue and dehydration. I can still barely get through a work day without having to lay down and rest. I still don’t have energy to swim or play bad mitten with Talon after work until after I take a nap. I still can’t get through a day at the baseball park without having to come home and lay down. I’m still just as, if not more, exhausted than ever before. And. It. Is. Frustrating. So frustrating, to the point where I’ve broke down and cried so many times. I just want to have energy. I just want to be able to do the normal things a normal person can do in a normal day. I just want to be able to do the things my son wants me to do without having to constantly explain to him why I have to rest.

That’s one thing I was looking forward to when I stopped taking my medications. I thought I would feel like me again, like the me that's pictured above. But what I’ve realized, that ‘me’ is long gone. I’ve realized the fatigue wasn’t just from my meds ‘killing the bad cells’ like I had always thought, but it’s also because the leukemia keeps me from having enough ‘good, healthy cells’. The ones you need to have energy. It’s because I’m not healthy, because I am sick.

Turns out, the grass isn't always greener on the other side. And while this might seem like a complaint or a pity party, I assure you it's not. I think maybe it's what I needed to help me accept that this is the new me, and there is not changing that, so I just have to deal with it. 

Confession:

Now you are probably wondering why I stopped taking my medicines. Well, my friends, that’s for another blog post for another day. 

 Don’t you love the suspense? :)

Moments of Impact

This day last year, I was having a bit of a pity party about the fact that I hadn’t seen Talon a lot lately because he was on summer break from school, I still had to work, so he was spending a lot of time with family.

Little did I know that later I would learn just how unworthy of a complaint that really was. You see, because hours later, I would be reminded how fortunate I am to have a son to complain about not seeing as often as I’d like because there are some parents who don’t have the luxury of seeing their children at all. 

Some of those parents would become my aunt and uncle.

There’s some quotes from the movie/book, The Vow, that have just stayed with me ever since that night.  

“My theory is about moments, moments of impact. My theory is that these flashes of high intensity that completely turn our lives upside down actually end of defining who are. The thing is, each one of us is the sum total of every moment that we’ve ever experience.”

“The moment of impact proves potential for change, has ripples effects far beyond what we can predict..”

'That’s the thing about moments like these. You can’t, no matter how hard you try, control how it’s going to affect you. You just got to let the colliding parts go where they may. And wait, for the next collision.”

June 22, 2014 was one of those moments. I can still remember that night as vividly as I can remember this morning. The phone call I received from my mother telling me Brianna had been in a wreck and was being flown to UofL hospital,  that it was bad, that her liver was damaged and they couldn’t stop the bleeding. I remember getting to the hospital and being with my family in the second floor waiting room just waiting, and praying, and hoping, and wishing, and still had hope that she was going to pull through and be okay. Then moments later, a nurse would come to the waiting room very frantically and tell us to ‘get back there now!’ I remember her mom, my Aunt Tonya, crying out, “Please don’t take my baby, God!” I remember my sister and I walking and then crawling down that desolate hallway because we already knew what was to come, and the pain that we were already baring made it too difficult to walk. I remember when we finally made it to Brianna, she was lying in a hospital bed, lifeless, surrounded by doctors and nurses pushing and pushing on her chest trying to get her heart to beat again. I remember seeing her dad, David, by her side, kneeling, yelling ‘fight baby girl, fight!” I remember seeing her brother, Brice, stand behind David in shock, in disbelief, and in true heartbreak for what he was witnessing. I remember one of the doctors coming up to my sister and I and saying, ‘she’s gone”. I remember I almost passed out from hyperventilating from crying and pain because I had never witnessed such tragedy.  The scene was surreal. It was chaos. It felt like it was in slow motion, like I was inside of someone else’s’ body. It felt like a nightmare. It was a nightmare.

That moment is a moment I will never forget. It's a moment that I think about every single day. That was a moment of impact, and it was a moment that would have ripple effects far beyond what we could predict...

It's fair to say the ripple effects have also been life changing. Some of those ripple effects, one in particular, was just as tragic, unfair, and heartbreaking and still doesn’t feel real. But as crazy as it may sound, some other of those ripple effects have been truly amazing. To see a community come together for two family's in pain, to be there to support them, to rally behind a law that needs to be changed to hopefully prevent at least one family from having to endure such an unimaginable pain and heartache, to see so many people’s faiths become stronger, to watch a young girl, Mickayla, who was also involved in the wreck, beat all odds and continue to recover and inspire many, to get to know her wonderful family, being able to witness two parents who would embrace the mother of the man who took the life of their child, because they can empathize with the pain she is feeling,  two parents who have lost so much, still stand and continue to be an example to so many those are some pretty amazing ripple effects that I’m blessed to be in the wake of. 

"A Girl Needs A Dad To Be The Standard Which She Will Judge All Men"

It’s because of my dad that I have such high expectations of what a father should be. As a matter of fact, instead of relaxing or laying around and watching TV, I bet my dad is outside, doing yard work, getting the side-by-sides ready, cleaning the pool, and just getting everything ready for the family to have a fun time when they come over later. Because that’s just how he is, he always puts his family first. Making sure we are all safe, taken care of, and happy is what matters most to him.

My dad has always been more than just the man who provided for and took care of his family, he’s been the man who has taught me so much about life, whether it was on the softball field, at school, at work, as a Christian, or as a parent. He’s always pushed me hard and expected a lot out of me. And I’m so thankful for that. It because of that I am the person that I am today.

My dad’s always been my biggest fan and supporter. In school, he always volunteered to come along on field trips with me to be sure I had a good time. He preached the importance of good grades and rewarded us when achieving our potential. When I played sports (basketball, softball, cheerleading), he always made sure I had all the opportunities to be the best, whether it was going to camps or one-on-one trainings or having the best equipment.  And they never missed a game or competition. And I’m talking about even those times when I was cheering for our football or basketball team two hours away, they were there. It meant and still means so much to me. And even as an adult, they are still my biggest cheerleader.

My dad’s always been there to catch me when I fall. And I’ve fallen a lot over the years. My dad has given me a lot of great advice over the years, and even though a lot of times I would do the opposite of what he advised, he never said “I told you so” when I failed. Instead, he was there to catch me when I fell, picked me back up, and pushed me on my way again.

My dad’s always been the person I’ve felt safest with. If there’s a bad storm coming, a family or work crisis, driving in unsafe travel conditions, or even one of those times were I’ve felt lost, if I am with my dad, I know everything will be okay.

What I admire even more about my dad is not only is he all of those wonderful things to me, he’s all of those wonderful things to my sweet baby boy. When Talon is with my dad (or mom), I don’t have a worry in the world. I know he’s safe, taken care of, and happy.

Happy Father’s Day Poppa!

Confession:

Today I’m also thankful for some other fathers. 

I’m thankful for Talon’s dad because he is such a wonderful father to Talon. When he’s with his dad, I know he’s in good hands because he’s with someone who loves him just as much I do.

I’m thankful for my uncle David. He’s always been and continues to be such a great example of what a father’s love should be.

And I’m soo thankful for TJ. I can only imagine how challenging being a step parent can be. But TJ does such a great job at it. Having someone to help me take care of and provide for Talon, someone who gets along with and respects Talon’s dad, someone that spends quality time doing ‘guy stuff’ with Talon not only means the world to Talon, but means the world to me. It’s in those moments that I fall deeper and deeper in love with him. <3