Coupon, Glass Of Wine, Bed By 9

So yesterday morning, I realized that I was going to be kid/TJ free in the evening. That's a rarity in my life. Talon was staying at his dads, TJ was going fishing. I mean, I love my boys but this girl also loves a little peace and quiet aka 'me time'. I know you moms out there can relate. Anyways, as soon as I realized this, I knew exactly what I was going to do that night when I got home from work--  coupon, have a glass of wine, and go to bed at 9. Exciting, right? Welcome to what makes Dana happy. 

My mother raised me to use coupons. I'm not talking extreme couponing or buying stuff in bulk you don't need. I'm talking going through the Sunday paper, and clipping coupons for things that you already use/buy. It's very rare for me to pay full price for anything. The only exception with that is home decor, but that's another story for another day.

In the last month or so, I stumbled upon the best blog ever (aside from mine of course :)): Kroger Krazy. It's amazing. The blogger tells you exactly what the sales are and where to find the coupons to make the items even cheaper. It's so easy and requires very little time. I'm buying the same things I normally buy, just now saving on average 30%. Amazing I tell ya.  (I also recommend the Target, Cartwheel, and Shopular Apps)

And that was my plan for the night- coupon, glass of wine, bed by 9. But then my anxious 7 year old happened......

For those of you who don't know, Talon has really bad social anxiety. It's been a couple of years since his last bad bad episode, that is until yesterday. In the morning, I dropped Talon off for Day 2 of basketball camp. Day 1 he walked in, no problems, and was completely fine. Day 2, not so much. Why the difference? Day 2 he didn't have his cousin there as his 'comfort'. The large number of kids everywhere was intimidating to him. I pointed out some of his friends that he could join but it wasn't happening. Then all of a sudden his stomach 'hurt' and he was determined that he wasn't going to stay. At first, I patiently explained that he's just nervous which is why his stomach hurts but once he gets out there to play, he'll love it and have a great time like he always does and feel much better. Yeah that didn't work. By that time he told me he was NOT going to play. It was a flashback to October 27th, 2012. Click here to see what I'm talking about. 

As the minutes passed on and I started to become more and more late for work, my patience started to fade and it turned into impatience. I shamefully tried the old threatening tactic-- "If you don't at least try, you aren't going to the water park tomorrow !" I know that may seem a little harsh, but let me explain. It's not like I was trying to force him into doing something he didn't want to do. This kid loves basketball. He loves all sports. From sun up to sun down, he eats, breaths, and lives all thing sports. I knew he was just nervous and those nerves would quickly subside once he just got out there and did it. This wasn't my first rodeo with Talon anxiety. But finally FINALLY I talked him into doing it. I promised him that I wouldn't leave until he was comfortable. Within 30 seconds, he had a huge smile on his face, was having so much fun, and waved goodbye to me as I walked back to my car. It was a victory and exhausting all at the same time.

Now this is just the beginning.... 

After work, before getting my couponing on, I had to take Talon to baseball practice. He just joined a traveling team and hadn't made it to any of the practices yet due to our recent family events and Talon going to Florida with his dad. So it was his first practice. He had been looking forward to it all day, that was until I picked him up from my parents house. All of a sudden, his stomach started hurting again. I already knew what was happening.  But we continued on, I got him in the car and we were headed to the ballpark. By the time we got there, he told me he didn't feel good enough to play and then that's when I reminded him that the only reason his stomach hurts was because he was getting himself all worked up over nothing. I went through the spiel again " I know your nervous, but you are going to have so much fun once you get out there. You know most of the kids on your team and they are so excited that you are here!" Didn't work. By that time his dad showed up. Dad isn't quite as patient as I am. There was kicking, screaming, and crying, and that was just from me. Talon was wayy worse. Okay, so maybe I didn't do any of that, but I sure as heck wanted to. Again, my patience faded and I stooped to the threatening with the water park again and finally, FINALLY after 15 minutes, he finally joined his team BUT on one stipulation-- I had to stay and watch his practice, all 2 hours and 15 minutes of it.   

So long coupon, glass of wine, bed by 9.....

As I sat on the bleachers, I began thinking about all of the things I had planned on doing but couldn't do them now because now, I'm stuck at the ballpark. I'll be honest, I was a little frustrated. I'm a scheduled person. There's a million things (maybe I'm exaggerating a little), there are a lot of things I have to do and in order for me to do them all, I have to stay on a strict schedule.  From the time I wake up til the time I go to bed, my day is completely planned. It's just how I am. So this was throwing everything all off. But as I'm sitting there doing absolutely nothing except watching Talon play ball, I started thinking about what my Uncle David had said at Brice's funeral-- "When something like this happens (referring to death), time doesn't matter anymore." This is something my uncle has preached about for as long as I can remember-- time. I can recall several days stopping by the bowling alley, poking my head in his office to say 'hi' then 'bye' because I had somewhere I needed to be because I was always in a hurry, and he would always tell me,  "sometimes you just need to slow down, sit back, and enjoy the show." I'm guilty of not doing this, alot. I get so caught up in what's going on in front of me, I often miss what's going on around me. I actually blogged about this very thing last year. 

To read the full post, click.here.

While sitting on the bleachers, I realized this was one of those moments. Maybe my evening didn't turn out how I had planned but it was okay. There would be another day where I could coupon, have a glass of wine, and be in bed by 9, but today wasn't going to be that day. Today, my baby needed me there to support him and motivate him and be there for him, and there is no other place that I'd rather be. I don't want to look back one day and think to myself, " I wish I would have worried less about the things that didn't matter and more about the things that did," or "I wish I would have taken more time to just stop and enjoy life, and enjoy every single moment I could with Talon." Because I know that one day, those moments will be gone. And I have to start taking advantages of those moments right now, right this very second.

 I actually enjoyed being at the ballpark. The weather was amazing, I was in good company with other parents, and was completely entertained by kids playing.  And more importantly, I watched Talon's anxiety fade and he ended up having a great time. He left in a great mood and I went to bed (at 11) that night knowing all was well. 

Completely worth it. 

The Dance

Ahhh normalcy, it's something that I long for, yearn for, and miss. And yet it's something that I don't know if I'm quite ready for. Normalcy for me (and my family) won't be the normal that we were accustomed to. We have to create a new normal. And man is it going to be tough. 

It's been about three weeks since Brianna left us, and about a week and a half since Brice. If you read my last post, then you got a glimpse of what myself and family were (are) going through. I'd be lying if I said we have accepted it and moved on. I think we are starting to accept it, but moving on has been the hard part. Where do you begin?

For the past three weeks, we've been at the hospital, at a church, with family, and grieving. Our normal lives had stopped and that became our new normal. Now that both of my sweet cousins have been laid to rest, we have to attempt to get back into our normal routine and move on with our lives. The thing is, our lives are forever changed. This week has been my first full week back to work, back to grocery shopping, back to running errands, back to cooking, back to my 'normal' routine. I used to find joy in my day to day happenings but now, not so much. I'm going through the motions but it's just not the same.  It's still being overshadowed by the sadness I feel for myself, my family, and for my aunt and uncle. 

Work has actually been my only saving grace. It's the one time that I can keep my mind busy enough to not think about the tragedies that just happened. But as soon as I leave work and get in the car, I breakdown.  By the time I get home, I'm too sad to do anything productive and usually spend the evening talking about Brice and Brianna, reading articles about them, looking at their pictures, thinking about old memories, and reading all the sweet comments everyone has left them, and crying. 

Before all of this happened, I had been working on home improvement projects, wedding planning, and had a lot of happy blog posts in the works. But now, it's like it doesn't even matter. It's hard to find joy in those things.

Then I think about my struggle, and how it doesn't even compare to what my aunt and uncle are going through. 

But then I'm reminded about how lucky I (we) are to have loved someone (two someones in this case) so much that it hurts this bad to lose them. 

It's like a wise man once said:

And now I'm glad I didn't know,
The way it all would end the way it all would go.
Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain,
But I'd have had to miss the dance.

Okay so maybe that was Garth Brooks but I'm trying here people.  :)

And I know this is normal, and this is going to take time, but I don't want to be this sad person, I don't want to blog only about sad things, I want to be happy again. I want all of my family to be happy again. And I know it will happen. 

It's just going to take some time.

 "Time waits for no man. Time heals all wounds. All any of us can wants, is more time. Time to stand up. Time to grow up. Time to let go."

A Raw Confession

Growing up, 4th of July was spent at my aunt and uncle, Tonya and David's house. Their house was one of many that semi-circled a couple of the holes on the Pine Valley Golf Course. It was a perfect set up for setting off fireworks. And that's what they did, year after year. It wasn't just a family affair, it was a community affair. Everyone in the area would bring their favorite dish and their lawn chair, hang out with family and friends, and wait for dusk to fall so the fireworks show could begin. It was something I looked forward to every year. This tradition began when Brice and Brianna were itty bitty, during the time when you could let your children run around the neighborhood and the only thing you had to worry about was the occasional scraped knee or bump on the head from well, just being kids. And I can still see both of them running around with all of their little friends, laughing and playing. Just before the fireworks began, I could almost always count on talking one of them into letting me hold them because even though they loved fireworks, like most kids, the loud sound left them feeling a little uneasy. And I loved being able to make them feel safe, and protected. 

 

 Oh what I would give to still be able to protect them.

This 4th of July was a lot different.  This 4th of July was spent at the hospital. As we were making our way home that evening, people all over began lighting fireworks. I laid my head against the car window and as I watched firework after firework go off, I couldn't help but think about all of the families that were together, spending time together, laughing, playing, and just enjoying life, just as we used to.  Instead, my family was not only mourning the loss of my cousin, Brianna, we had also just said our final goodbyes to her brother, Brice. I wasn't just sad, I was bitter.

I haven't had much to say these past few days. I've been overwhelmed with so many feelings. Never in my life have I felt this type of anger, or hurt, or pain, or sadness, or bitterness that I have felt these past few days.  I'm not mad at God, I know he didn't do this. I'm mad at the situation, I'm mad at life, and I'm mad there is nothing I can do to change this. My heart hurts so incredibly bad, especially for my aunt and uncle, Tonya and David. What they have had to endure these last couple of weeks is unimaginable and so not fair. Someone I know put it perfectly when they said that if someone were to make a movie about what my aunt and uncle have experienced these past two weeks, people would say it's too farfetched and completely unrealistic because something like that could never possibly happen. It just doesn't seem real.  But it is. 

When my cousin Brianna passed, I was mad, and completely heartbroken.  To lose such a sweet girl with her whole life ahead of her, was heartbreaking. The day after her funeral, the entire Taylor family spent the evening together, eating, sharing funny stories, and released lanterns in memory of Brianna. It was such an emotional moment but so special. By the end of the night, I think we all left with a sense of peace. We all realized our lives would never be the same and we would all miss Brianna so so much, but we knew we could get through this, together. And I think Tonya and David felt the same. And part of the reason that they felt that way was because of Brice. Brice had been their rock those past couple of days. Though he was hurting so incredibly bad for the loss of his best friend, his sister, he did his best to stay positive and took it upon himself to do whatever he needed to help his parents (and quite frankly the rest of the family) get through this. Even at Brianna's visitation, when we were all so sad, he pulled up a video Brianna took on his phone a while back that he knew would make us laugh, and it did. It was exactly what we needed in that moment. 

I think it's something we were all thankful for, that Tonya and David had Brice. The strength that the three of them displayed together, along with their continued commitment to their faith helped all of us. 

But then the following Monday happened. 

I received a phone call from my mom. " Brice has been in an ATV wreck. A deer ran out in front of him, he hit it, was airlifted to UL Hospital, has had two brain surgeries and now we are just waiting." 

What?! At first, all I could do was just sit there in shock. How is this real?  Just days after my aunt and uncle buried their daughter, their son is now fighting for his life? It just didn't seem possible. 

And then as I learned more details of the situation, my heart shattered. Brice and his parents had just left a small memorial for Brianna at their neighbors house. It was the one week anniversary of her wreck. Since it was in close proximity to where Tonya and David live, they just took their ATVs. Brice on one, Tonya and David on the other.  As they were passing the church where they had the funeral for Brianna just days ago, my uncle spotted a deer off the road and frantically yelled at Brice trying to get his attention. But it was too loud, and too late. His parents witnessed the entire wreck.

Can you imagine? I can't. 

When we first went to the hospital to see him, I left with a false sense of hope. First, he looked so good, just like Brice, only sleeping. Secondly,  even though we were told how critical his condition was, I couldn't make myself believe that he might not make it. I mean, we just lost his sister. There is no way possible we are going to lose him too. That just can't happen. We need him, Tonya and David need him. 

Like Brianna, Brice was an amazing person, and I admired so many things about him. 

1. He was the person you always wanted to be around. We could always count on Brice to lighten even the most intense situations and conversations, which happens often with the Taylor bunch, especially when you talk sports or politics. We could also always count on him to crack a joke, which was usually in the form of poking fun of my dad or his parents, which we thoroughly enjoyed. 

2. He was a family man, and so protective of all of us. He always made sure everyone was included, that we didn't feel like we were missing out, and made sure everyone had a good time. 

3. He was the best big brother. His dad, David, often said that Brice was harder on Brianna than David was. It's because he loved her so much, and wanted the best for her. Most siblings that age want very little to do with each other, but they were always together. They were best friends. 

4. He was his dad's sidekick. I loved the days when I would be out in town and would pass David in his truck and see Brice tagging along in the passenger seat. As a parent, I know how much that meant to David.

  

5. He was the son my dad never had. My dad was blessed with three girls, poor guy. He tried his hardest to turn me into a tom boy but that lasted only a few years. As Brice got older, he and my dad spent more time together doing "guy stuff". You know, shooting guns, hanging out at the property, and doing whatever guys do. I was always so thankful my dad had Brice. And so thankful Brice made time for him. 

That's the thing with Brice, he wasn't like most 20 year olds. He had his friends, but enjoyed hanging out with his family just as much. 

As the days passed, Brice's condition continued to get worse, and then reality sank in- Brice isn't coming home. My shock turned into sadness, which made me angry, and bitter. 

Bitterness is a feeling I don't think I have ever felt before. I've always been a glass half full kinda girl, always seeing the good in even the worst situation and always happy for others. But boy was it hard this time.  The happiness was sucked right out of all of us. I didn't want to be around anyone or anything happy because happy wasn't a feeling I or any of us have been feeling, and it's still hard.  I became bitter when I would overhear people have conversations about day to day life, funny things that had happened, and getting aggravated over petty things.  I've had to refrain from scrolling through my FB news feed because it would make me so bitter seeing statuses and pictures of people being happy and having fun. How can you have fun at a time like this? How can you be happy?  

Everyone else's life had continued on and ours had stopped. Or at least that's how I felt. And I say these things not to make anyone feel bad for enjoying their life, because that's exactly what you should be doing. It's what we all should be doing. I say these things to show how such a tragedy can temporarily change you.  

I don't want to be bitter, I don't want to be jealous of someone else's happiness, I long to post pictures and FB statuses of happiness, I long to complain about petty things, I long to be with my family during a happy time, having fun. And I know these are selfish and ungrateful things to say because I know I should be thankful for the time we did have with Brice and Brianna, for God blessing Tonya and David with two wonderful children in the first place, and that I still have so many things in my life to be happy about and thankful for but it's all being overshadowed  by the tragic losses of both of my cousins. And then I think, this is just how I feel. I can't even begin to imagine how Tonya and David feel. How are they standing? How are they functioning? How are they even breathing? 

But they are, and they have continued to stay strong in their faith. They are the ones who have suffered the most, who feel the most pain, the most heartache, the most sadness, whose lives will forever be changed, and they are still the ones that have given us strength, because even though it's so incredibly difficult, they are still standing, they are still functioning, they are still breathing. They are the epitome of the quote, "You never know how strong you are, until being strong is your only choice." They are our rock. Because if they can get through this, then anyone can get through this.  And I know they are going to get through this. In time, we all will. 

And once we wash away the sad and heartache, we can begin celebrating the lives of Brice and Brianna Taylor, and there is so much to celebrate.   

*Brice and Brianna were both organ donors. Three of Brice's organs were immediately matched to three people whose lives depended on it. Through the loss of their lives, other lives will be saved. 

*Both Brice and Brianna had a personal relationship with God. I have no doubt that they are together, in Heaven, and that is such a comforting feeling. Because of their faith and the continued faith of their parents and family, I also feel that more people will come to know Jesus through them, and more lives will be saved.   

*And we can celebrate the time we did have with them. I for one wanted more time, but I'm thankful for the time I did have. I'm thankful for the memories, the funny stories, the love they showed my son, and that we got to share our lives with them.  The joy they have given me is something I will always cherish. 

*And the impact, the impact that they both had on so many people, I know that makes Tonya and David so proud, it makes me proud too. They didn't have much time here with us on Earth but boy did they leave their marks. This community is forever changed because of Brice and Brianna, and that's something to be proud of. 

 I have no doubt that it's faith, and support from family and friends that have helped Tonya and David through this tragic time, and they are going to continue to need it. The amount of community support our families have received is so humbling. What an amazing town we live in for everyone to rally behind two, heartbroken parents, and doing so much to help in any way they can. It's truly a blessing. To that, I say thank you.  Thank you for the thoughts and the prayers, Tonya and David especially will need them in the years to come. 

I will end this post by saying this:

If you want the most out of life, live life as Brice and Brianna did. Brother Scott said it best-- people don't remember how many points your scored, how many games you won, how many times you got promoted, or how much money you made, they remember the relationships, the times you stopped to lend an ear, or a hand, or a compliment, or simply just the time you shared with someone else. Things Brice and Brianna always did. The little things really are the big things.  

Oh how I already miss them. 

Please continue to pray for Mickayla Harig. While our hearts ache for our own losses, they also ache for the Harig family, too.

Also, something that has helped Tonya and David so much is when people share special stories and memories they have with Brice and Brianna. If you have one you want to share, please do. Write it in a card or letter and send it to them.  This is something they can cherish forever. 

You can mail it to:  Dix-E-Town Lanes
                               ATTN: David and Tonya Taylor
                               4547 N Dixie Hwy
                               Elizabethtown, KY 42701

 

You can read more about Brice's sister, Brianna, here. 

To go to their memorial page, click here: 

https://www.facebook.com/pages/Forever-In-Our-Hearts-A-Tribute-To-Brice-and-Brianna-Taylor/518909131543608?ref=ts&fref=ts