No Sugar Coating Here

I’ve had so much on my mind here lately about life. And I’ve had so many people ask me about it, particularly my health, especially some other ladies with CML who are wanting to have more children and have been following my journey. Well, here it is, my life as of late.

Taylor Grace is almost 6 months old and it’s been an amazing, emotional, exhausting, but so totally worth it 6 months. She was well worth the hyperemesis and risk involved by having her. She’s been a blessing to all of our lives and I’m so thankful for her. I mean seriously, how could you ever be in a bad mood when you wake up to this (and her big brother) every morning? Our days are filled with even more joy than before. I love my babes.

But if I’m being completely honest, and that’s what my blog is all about, then you should know that life has never been tougher.

I started my treatment again a few weeks after having Taylor and in the beginning, the side effects weren’t so bad. I was hopeful that was a sign that it wouldn’t be so bad this time but unfortunately that hasn’t been the case. The effects have gotten worse with time, arguably worse than they were before I stopped treatment to have Taylor.

Most days are a struggle to get through. The extreme fatigue has never been worse. And I’m not talking “new mom” tiredness, though I know that definitely plays a role, and also having low blood counts plays a role, but until you have a chronic condition that comes with extreme fatigue, it’s hard to explain what it feels like. It’s like a fog that comes over you. When it hits you, you have no option but to lay down and rest until it passes. There is no fighting through it, you can’t focus or concentrate when it hits. You are at the mercy of it. It literally feels like the life gets sucked out of you. And it is so, so frustrating. It’s hard to get through some work days. And when I get home, it’s hard to do my domestic work, such as cooking, cleaning, taking Talon to/from practice and taking care of Taylor. There are days I come home from work and go straight to bed. There are days I want to skip dinner but not only do I have a kiddo to feed, but I also have to make myself eat dinner so I have a full enough stomach to take my medicine on, otherwise I’ll get sick. I can’t say I didn’t know this was a likely possibility. This was how my life was before having Taylor, except now it’s just worse, and unrealistically I had hoped it would get easier. Luckily I have an amazing husband who steps in and does so much for all of us, but it’s still so frustrating. As a mother, it’s hard to accept that you can never be ‘super mom’. As much as I want to say “I’ve got this”, I know I don’t on my own. I NEED TJ, I need his support, physically and emotionally.

Because I’m limited on how much energy I know I’ll have for the day, I focus it on the things I know HAVE to be done then I’m spent, I’m done, stick a fork in me. I miss out on moments with my kiddos and my husband because there are times I just don’t have the energy to get off the couch once I get home from work. They are the ones who get the short end of the stick. I’m not saying every day is like this, but a lot of them are.

A lot of days my goal is to just get through the day, and that’s such a frustrating way to live.

But then I come home to these sweet, smiling faces and it forces me to let go of the frustration because if feeling this way is what it takes to spend my days with these guys, I’ll take it.

 But it has made me realize that even though I’d love to continue to grow our family, that’s likely not in the cards for us. First there is the fact that there is risk involved when having children since I have to stop treatment while pregnant. There was a moment when I was pregnant with Taylor and my leukemia began progressing that really worried me. Not for the sake of me but for the sake of Talon.” Was wanting another child worth Talon having to grow up without having a mother? Shouldn’t he be enough?” He was more than enough and in that moment I felt so selfish. But I’m so happy we did it because we now have a Taylor and she is pretty amazing. But to risk both of them having to grow up without a mother, I can’t do it. And even if we decided to, and we were able to have another little cutie, then there is the fact that I would likely be even more tired, and exhausted because having two little ones is obviously more work than one, and I would continue to feel guilty and saddened about the fact that I would be missing out on moments of not one, not two, but three kiddos. They deserve a mother who can give their all to them and I can’t keep pushing myself or they will be the ones who lose. And while my husband has been super dad and super husband, I can’t keep pushing him either. I will say having Taylor has made our relationship so much stronger. He’s a great father to both of our kiddos, he’s really stepped up to the plate, and it has changed him in such a way that has made me fall even deeper in love with him. I’ve loved being on this journey with him, and the last thing I want to do it push him to take on more than he (or anyone) could handle. But all of this, I’m okay with. We have two healthy and beautiful kiddos, he picks up where I slack, he still loves me unconditionally, and I get to spend all of my days with all of them. Though it’s not always how I want to spend them, I really couldn’t ask for anything more. Actually if I could ask for something more, it would be to stop getting frustrated and accept this is my life, this is my health, and though it’s not what it was, I’m still here and still get to enjoy a pretty amazing life with people who fill my heart more than I could have ever hoped for. 

I will gladly accept prayers for that ask. :)

For a REAL health update---

For my CML people—My PCR climbed in the 20%s while pregnant but held steady and no sign of blast cells. 2 months after having Taylor and starting treatment, it went down to 4%. 2 months after that, it went to .34%. I go in for my next round of testing next week and we will see where it is then.

For all my other friends, PCR is essentially the measure of how many of your blood cells are leukemic. If treatment is working like it should, it should be zero. While being at zero is more unlikely than likely, it is possible. Regardless, being under .1% is where you want to be, though I’m not there yet, I hope these next rounds of tests will say otherwise. :) It won’t have any effect on how I feel but does give a peace of mind of the likelihood of the disease progressing. 

A Non-Father's Day Post

So my husband doesn’t like attention or public praise. He’s a ‘fly under the radar’ kinda guy. If he knew I was going to write a post about him and how he’s such a great dad, he’d throw a fit. So instead, I decided to write a post about me and how he’s such a great support to me, so really, this post is about me. :)

When deciding whether or not to have another child, not taking my medication for 9 months and knowing the risk it could impose was not the only thing we had to take into consideration- we also had to think about every day after those 9 months. If you’ve followed my CML journey then you know that the worst part of having this type of leukemia is learning to cope with the side effects that comes along with the treatment—mainly nausea, headaches, and extreme fatigue. It’s not uncommon for me to have to randomly lay down in the middle of the day because I feel so sick and tired. I have limitations now on what I can and can’t do. I go to bed at 9pm every night because my body needs a lot of rest. I have to eat dinner at a certain time every day or I’ll end up getting sick. I can’t overdo it or I’ll pay for it later. This is something I’ve been learning how to deal with for the last 4 years and I’ve really had to depend on my family for help and support. Sometimes it’s hard to get through a full work day, especially 5 days in a row. By time I get home, sometimes I barely have any energy to cook dinner or run Talon to/from the ballpark or do the housework. Sometimes I have to depend on TJ to do it so I can lay down because I just feel so sick. There are some days Talon has to entertain himself because I just can’t do it. These were all things I really thought about before we decided to have another baby. "Days can be tough now. Can we really add a baby into the mix?"

 I knew that if we were going to do this, I was going to have to depend on TJ more than ever. I had to expect from him more than what’s often expected from the typical father.

And here we are, almost 3 months later after bringing sweet Taylor into this world, and TJ is everything I’ve needed him to be, and more. He feeds Taylor, he changes her diaper, he gives baby baths, he washes bottles, he’ll spend time with Talon, he’ll drop off/pick up the kids. And my favorite part, he lets me sleep. In those moments that I have to lay down and rest, I can. And not only I can, but I can knowing that everything will continue on just fine without me. When Taylor gets up between 4am-5am in the morning to eat, TJ gets up with her then. Every, single, night, so I can sleep. And he does all of this without ask (most times :) or complaint. He just does it. And it’s because of this that I am able to not just get through the day, but enjoy each day with our family.

I couldn’t ask for a better support to me or for a better leader to our tribe.

Taylor Grace

A month ago today our lives changed. We added the sweetest and cutest little girl to our crew. I mean seriously, look at that sweet cry face?

If you follow me on Facebook, then you know that sweet Taylor Grace is a blessing and miracle in more than one way. First of all, since I had to stop my treatment for my leukemia in order to have another child, there was risk that the leukemia could progress and become life threatening to me and pose risk to the baby. Thankfully, neither happened. But a risk we didn’t even know about was discovered while I was delivering-- she had what is called a true knot in her umbilical cord. A true knot is exactly what it sounds like-- her cord, which is a baby’s lifeline while they are in the womb, was tied in a knot. If it would have tightened just a smidge, it would have caused serious health issues for her and/or death. But it didn’t, and she was born perfectly healthy. It makes her middle name “Grace” that much more fitting.

And life has been so much more fun (and exhausting :) ever since. Delivery went great and I have been able to bounce back pretty quickly, which is good considering that we’ve been non-stop ever since. Luckily Taylor fits right in this crazy busy family and life of ours. Just three days after she was born she went to her first baseball game of her brothers and has gone to 6 others since then. She's an avid Target shopper, enjoys going out to eat, and has already ventured to Kentucky Down Under, Nashville, and stayed in her first hotel room, all in her first month of life. And to celebrate her 1 month birthday, she went to work with mommy for a little bit and I think she enjoyed it. I’ve mastered diaper changes on my lap while on the go and can’t tell you how many times I’ve had to feed her in the back of my car between all this running, especially when waiting in the school parking lot for her brother to get out of school.

Speaking of big brother-- he is a HUGE help and loves her so much. I try to make time for just him since this is such a big change and so we’ve had a couple of date nights—once to Gatti’s and once to the movies. 

Dad is great with her and has jumped right in. He even does the midnight feeding with her every night which guarantees me a solid straight 4 hours of sleep each night (yay!). 

And my adjustment to restarting treatment for my CML hasn't been as bad as I thought it would be, which a blessing in itself is. As my due date approached, I began to dread the idea of starting my treatment again. Aside from the morning sickness I dealt with during pregnancy (which was pretty bad), I felt really good, better than I had felt in years- better than I had felt since I started my treatment for my leukemia. I wasn’t looking forward to going back to that. The thought of being nauseas and vomiting and extremely fatigued while trying to care for a newborn (especially at 3am) was overwhelming. While my oncologist advised I start my treatment the day after I had Taylor, I decided to wait a month in order to give my body some time to adjust. Well that idea quickly changed as a lymph node that had been swollen in my armpit for a couple of months got a lot bigger and hard. Maybe it was from my leukemia, maybe it wasn’t, but that was all the scare I needed to get over the dread and start my treatment again. And the good news, the side effects haven’t been as bad I had thought.  I’ve had a constant headache, some swelling, fatigue, and a bit of nausea, but it hasn’t been as bad as it was before. I’m hopeful it will stay that way. Next week I go back to my oncologist for testing to check the status of my leukemia. It’s been over 2 months since we checked it last so fingers crossed for positive news!

So that has been my life for the past month. My house is messier than it has ever been, most days breakfast consists of toast and a handful of Cheetos for lunch, last night was the first time I have cooked since having her, my maternity ‘to do’ list seems to get longer instead of shorter, and while all that tends to give this OCD gal some anxiety, it’s a fair trade for spending time doing absolutely nothing but sitting on the couch and holding my sweet girl. I have a 9 year old proof that these moments will pass too quickly so I’m going to enjoy every minute of it.

Only Child Expiring Soon

Nine years ago this guy came into this world and stole my heart and life has been nothing short of amazing ever since. He’s shown me a love that I never knew existed and I’m getting ready to share that same love with another child. <3

Nine years is a long time being an only child, and for 5 of those years, it was just me and him and he had my undivided attention. So when TJ and I got married in 2014, it was an adjustment for Talon, and he’s still adjusting. And now he’s getting ready to have to share my attention yet again with his soon to be sister.

First I should start by saying that Talon is so completely excited about having a sister. Technically he wanted a brother but I convinced him having a sister will be great too. :) When he talks about her/me, it’s not “mom’s having a baby”, it’s ‘WE'RE having a baby’ or ‘when OUR baby gets here…’, and it completely melts my heart. Talon has such a sweet and loving heart and I have no doubt that he will be the best big brother.

But I also know that it’s going to be a little tough on him at first, because she will demand so much of my time, especially in the beginning, so I’ve been trying to prepare him (and myself) for what’s to come to make this change as easy as possible on him.

I first realized I needed to be more sensitive to him towards this big change a couple months back when TJ and I were putting together furniture for Taylor’s room. If you are like me, putting together furniture with a million pieces can cause some anxiety and irritability, so when Talon said he wanted to help, I told him no way, that it would be best for him to just hang out in his room and let us take care of it. Well, that didn’t go over well. He’s feelings were hurt and he stomped off to his room. First I was mad for how he reacted, but then I thought about why he reacted that way—he didn’t feel included. TJ and I were doing something together for Taylor and he felt left out. I finally got it. And I felt so bad.

So the next day, I had to put together some shelves for the dresser so I invited Talon to help, and to no surprise, he was a great helper and it made him so happy. It made me happy, too. And ever since that moment, I’ve made sure to include him in as many things regarding Taylor as possible so he wouldn’t feel left out again.

He helped to paint her nightstand, he’s helped to organize her entire room, he’s helped to do her laundry and fold her clothes, and we even went to a “Big Brother” baby class so he could learn how to help take care of her, and he’s loved every bit of it.

On top of that, we’ve had that conversation that since Taylor will need so much of my time at first that I would really have to depend on him to help. And not just helping with Taylor, but taking on some ‘big kid’ responsibilities. I’m not ashamed to admit that Talon is slightly babied by his momma. I mean, he is my baby boy after all. But I also realize that it is time for him to be a little more independent because he is 9 and overall that is what is best for him. Even if I want to, I can’t baby him my whole life. I want him to grow up to be responsible, independent and able to take care of himself so he can also one day take care of his own family and those expectations have to begin way before then. And I’ve learned that even at the age of 9, giving some responsibilities to him has been empowering to him. It makes him feel ‘big’ when he does things that I used to do for him, and he hasn’t felt like “mom can’t take care of me anymore since she’s having another baby’. It’s been the complete opposite, and it’s only made our relationship even better.

He now sets his own alarm every morning for school and gets himself up, starts his own shower, and gets completely dressed and ready, room straightened, bed made, dirty clothes put up, takes his allergy medicine and vitamin, and teeth brushed for 2 minutes, and ready to go before I’m even ready to go. That in itself has been a HUGE relief in the mornings because before, it was me doing/reminding him to do all of this which normally resulted in us rushing and/or running behind. To help, I got him a tooth brush timer and a pill case so I’m not having to get his medicine out for him every morning.

He even cleaned his own bathroom last week when I was cleaning house. And get this, he VOLUNTEERED to do it. It was amazing.

So while I know this is only the beginning and it’s still probably going to be a little rough/adjusting to once Taylor gets here, I still have no doubt that he’s going to be the best big brother and such a good supporter to even me and because of that, I feel so completely blessed.

Confession: 

I wanted to get Talon some special gifts for when Taylor arrives. Here's a sneak peak---

Then And Now

Having a child when you are 20 versus having a child when you are 30 are two completely different experiences.

I'm sure you’ve seen those commercials that depict a first time mom verses a mom having her second child. First time moms are usually extremely cautious, follow all the rules, are big germaphobs, and big worriers. By time the second child comes along, all the rules go out the window and it’s not uncommon for the 5 second rule to be applied in the event the pacifier hits the floor (after putting it in your mouth to clean it off first before giving it back to baby of course). I’m sure all my mom friends of more than one kid can attest to this. 

But let me tell you, when there is a 9 year gap between your first and second AND you had your first when you were basically a kid yourself, that typical depiction definitely doesn’t apply. 

And here’s why…

I had Talon 2 weeks before my 21^st birthday. I couldn’t even legally have a glass of wine but created a life. Crazy, right? I was only a couple of years into my adulthood, recently divorced, and still trying to figure out who the hell I was. If you haven’t ever read My HardestConfession, I would highly recommend it. And in the middle of all that, I was getting ready to become a mom. Because I knew very little about babies (aside from what I learned by being an aunt, twice) and because we hadn’t yet built up a savings, we were dependent upon hand me downs, others telling us what we needed and what to do, and just learning as we went. Talon’s crib was a hand me down and I never thought to check it for any recalls or safety issues. While I was able to register for things for his room, I didn’t get to prepare his nursery exactly how I wanted (and even if I could wouldn’t have even known where to begin). And I registered for all those waste of money items—you know, that Diaper Genie, bottle warmer, and wipe warmer. While I’m definitely not complaining because we were so blessed and lucky to have such a supportive family make sure we had everything we needed and more, we were definitely winging it. I’m sure I ate lots of things during my pregnancy that were a big no no. And even though I was underage, I still had a small glass of wine at my sister’s wedding and a small glass of champagne on New Year’s (I know a lot of you just gasped). 

And even after Talon was born, two weeks later we left him overnight with his grandma so we could go out and celebrate my 21^st birthday with my family and friends. Before he was a year old, he took his first cab ride, and it wasn’t on vacation in Chicago or New York, it was in E ’town, KY. Yep. His dad and I went to a friend’s house to hang out and brought Talon with us and put him to bed in our friend’s room (we did bring the baby monitor if that counts for anything). We both had some drinks and the plan was to stay that night there. Well, after a few hours we decided we wanted to stay in our own bed so what did we do? What any responsible, slightly intoxicated parents would do, called a cab, loaded up the car seat, and went home. Never mind the fact that we were both drinking and if an emergency arose in the night, neither of us would have been able to drive. Why am I admitting this? It’s definitely not because I’m proud of it, that’s for sure. It’s because luckily I grew up.  Looking back, I laugh and almost cry and wonder how Talon survived with such young, inexperienced parents but somehow he turned out healthy, smart, and into a good kid.

Now flash forward 9 years later, this pregnancy is so completely different.

First of all, let’s talk about the baby room. Since this pregnancy was planned and TJ and I have good, steady careers, we actually had a budget for purchasing baby things--- in this example the nursery. Instead of relying on hand me downs (again nothing wrong with them), I’ve been able to buy the things that I want. And I didn’t just buy things to buy things, I actually did my research. I learned from Talon’s crib that most cribs aren’t made for vertically challenged momma’s. I had the hardest time getting him in and out of his crib so crib height was definitely a huge factor this go around. Also, I don’t think I’ve ever read so many reviews on baby items. Is it safe? Is it practical? Is it worth the money? Things I really didn't think about when preparing for Talon.

Now let’s talk about wine. If you know me, you know how much I love a good glass of red wine. I saw this meme on FB one day and am pretty sure it was created for me. 

No matter how much I’ve wanted to take even just a sip, I’ve refrained. While I truly believe a sip or two would not hurt the baby at all, it’s a chance that isn’t worth taking. Same with foods. While I think some recommendations of what not to eat are a little over cautious, it’s not worth the risk. Have a followed all the rules? No. I eat lunch meat, I consume some caffeine every day, I’m occasionally around second hand smoke, and take prescribed medicines every single day,  but I’m much more cognizant of it this go around. And the reason really being because my baby and pregnancy have enough going against them with my health alone, no need adding any other possible risks into the equation.  I’d rather be too cautious than not enough than have to live with knowing that I could have prevented something from happening otherwise.

Then there’s leaving the baby after she arrives. I was back to work full time, 50+ hours a week about 4 weeks after Talon was born. With Taylor, I plan on taking 8 weeks off after she arrives but even that doesn’t seem nearly long enough. We have a wedding to go to this summer where I thought about leaving her overnight with family but I’m about 99% sure that won’t happen because I don’t think I’ll be ready to leave her for that long just yet.

I read baby blogs, I fill out and mail in all those warranty/recall forms for everything we purchase, I count kicks, I have checklists on things I need to do before she gets here, I even downloaded an app to check her heartbeat every day.

And while it may seem like poor Talon got the short end of the stick, that’s definitely not the case now. Luckily while raising him, I grew up along the way. Even though I should be used to him not staying with me every night since I share his time with his dad, it hasn’t gotten easier over the years. If anything, it’s gotten harder. I miss him terribly when he’s gone. On top of that, I worry non stop when he’s not with me. Though I know he’s probably fine, when he’s with me, I know 100% he is fine.  And I’m so protective of him, and have become even more so knowing that his world is really getting ready to change and want to make sure no one shows him any less attention or favoritism towards his sister. My babies are my world.  

So will I still apply the 5 second rule to a dropped pacy? Probably. But as far as preparing and getting ready, this time around feels so completely different. I’m not anxious, I’m not nervous, and I feel ready. Let’s see if that feeling lasts once she is here. :)

It's The Final Countdown!

We are officially down to single digits in weeks… the final stretch!

 I can’t even begin to explain how excited I am, in case you couldn’t tell. This journey has definitely been an emotional one—one that started rocky (and throw up’y), anxious about the ‘what ifs’ and the unknowns, and finally excited as each week passes and I’ve received good health updates for both Taylor and I.

I’ve truly enjoyed these last couple months of pregnancy . From about 3 months up until this point, I’ve been feeling good, have been able to eat pretty normal (with the exception of some foods and most drinks), have had some energy, and have loved watching my sweet girl grow and move inside my belly. However, the morning sickness and lack of energy is beginning to creep back in (sad face), especially in the afternoons and evenings. I'm HOPEFUL it won't be near as bad as it was in the beginning but as each day passes, it slowly has been getting worse. The upside-- only 9 more week. Nine. More Weeks. I can do this! 

But the best part has been our health. If you’ve followed my pregnancy journey (or just follow my blog), then you know that I currently live with a chronic health condition—leukemia. While me having leukemia poses no risk to the baby, it poses a risk to me as I can’t undergo (normal) treatment while pregnant. It’s almost guaranteed that my type of leukemia will progress without treatment but the hope has been that it will slowly progress (which after taking a pretty big jump in the beginning, it has remained pretty steady since) to where I can go the full 9 months without treatment, safely have the baby, then immediately begin treatment again. This has been the case so far, which is so exciting! Assuming my latest test results come back good, I'll see my oncologist one more time at the end of February for more testing and if those results also come back good, then I'll for sure not have to undergo any treatment until after the baby arrives and won't need to be induced early for that reason. Fingers crossed this is the case! 

On a more exciting note, our sweet girl is doing great. One of the perks of being a high risk pregnancy is you get to see your baby a lot via ultrasound. We’ve had three so far and have two more scheduled—one at 32 weeks and the last at 36 weeks. It's always so reassuring and gives a peace of mind every time we see her on that screen looking healthy and perfect. She’s measuring a little further along than my original due date which means she'll either she’ll come a little early or she might be a little chunk :) 

These past few weeks we’ve enjoyed preparing for her big arrival. Her room is just about complete and I absolutely love it. 

I took my non-shopping husband to Target to register for some baby things and that was an experience. He was mind blown by some of the things that we’ll need and why we need them-- it's going to be so much fun watching him as a dad. :)  Up until a couple weeks ago, I had done such a good job suppressing the urge to buy baby clothes and accessories (aside from the basics). But after Christmas, I could wait no more and finally made my first splurge purchase and bought some of the cutest outfits. Eeek!! Little girl clothing is just so cute!! I’ve made a vow to not buy anymore clothes or accessories until at least after our showers and possibly until after she arrives. Let’s see how long that lasts. :)

Nine more weeks and I’ll be a mother of 2. God is good. <3 

Confession: 

Part of the reason why I've been feeling pretty good is because I've been taking Diclegis and Zantac since the beginning of my second trimester. They have both been my saving grace, up until this point anyways. I take Diclegis (4 times a day) and it usually keeps it the nausea at bay. I also have to take Zantac (2 times a day) because even when I do have an appetite, nearly all foods give me heartburn and acid reflux and made it near impossible to eat, that was until I started taking Zantac. I haven't had to take any anti-nausea meds in the past couple of months but have a feeling that will be changing pretty soon....

Because I deal with those issues, it's kept me from being that pregnant lady with her face shoved in a pint of ice cream. While part of that makes me sad because that should be one of the perks of being pregnant and growing a human inside your belly, on the plus side I haven't had to worry about gaining too much weight. I've gained 15 pounds so far and as you can tell from the pictures below, I don't look much different from my 26 week picture to my 30 week picture.  However, I'm fully expecting to pack on some pounds, especially in these final weeks.