Baggage Claim

Dating someone with a child can be a challenging situation. I'm a single parent and it would be hard for me to date someone with a kid. That is because a lot of single parents don't have their 'baggage checked'. Let me go ahead and clarify, a child is not baggage. Talon is not baggage. If anything, he is a huge perk to dating me. What can be baggage is the situation that encompasses having a child. Everybody has baggage. Every. Body. Whether it's an ex-boyfriend/girlfriend or an ex-husband/wife, everyone is bringing something from a past relationship into the new relationship. That's baggage. That something could be a perspective or an attitude derived from that relationship, it could be an ex who hasn't let go (or maybe you haven't let go),  or it could be a  relationship that has to be maintained for some reason such as having a house, a business, or a child together. Whether good or bad, everyone is affected by their past relationships. Now the difference is, if it's checked or not.

Everybody knows those people who are completely bitter towards their ex. All they do is talk bad about them and always go on about how they are just sooo happy they are not with them anymore. Yea, un-checked baggage. Or the other side, they are over their ex and ready to move on or so they say, but their ex won't get out of their life, or now yours, and is determined to stir up as much drama as possible. Un-checked baggage. When you see those people, RUN!  Those people haven't completely gotten over or let go of their ex and the only thing that is going to do is cause problems. Lots and lots of problems. 

It can get even worse when a child is involved, and that's because a relationship has to be maintained with the parents even though they are no longer together. When you end a normal relationship, you can both go your separate ways and that's that. When you end a relationship when there is a child involved, you still have to keep some sort of relationship. Now what kind of relationship that is determines the type of baggage you have. Everyone knows that person who has a child and the relationship they have with the other parent of their child is just plain horrible. All you hear about is them fighting, arguing, the drama it brings, the hurtful things said to each other, etc, etc, etc. You could have just lost your job, your cat just got ran over by a sweet ol' lady on a motorized cart, you just found out your dad is the milk man,  but you don't care and are still just loving your life because you are not THAT person with that baby momma/daddy drama. It's not fun being THAT person. I know this, because I once was THAT person. As I've mentioned before, the first year after Talon's dad and I ended our relationship was living hell. We couldn't have a conversation without it ending in a knock down drag out fight. It was uglier than ugly. It was eewwgly. And I knew there was no way I would ever try to date someone and bring them into that until I checked it.

So what is checked baggage? It's when you deal with your past relationships and don't let those experiences affect your life or future relationships negatively. Anytime you end a relationship, it's important to take some space and reflect on it. Maybe it wasn't their fault, maybe it was you. Whichever it is, you need to accept it, learn from it, and move on. Don't bring those issues into the new relationship, unless you want it to fail. And don't date anyone until you are over that person. Point blank.

It's harder to check your baggage when you have a child because it doesnt' depend on just you, it depends on the other parent as well. But it is possible. It depends on the maturity of the parents. Once they both get over the hurt, and realize it's not about them, and it's about doing what's best for the child, it becomes so much easier. Now there are going to be some arguments and disagreements like there would be if the parents were together. That's just a part of life. You aren't always going to agree on everything, it's just how you deal with it is what matters.  

Life is just better and less stressful when your baggage is checked.  As I've mentioned before, I'm still friends with my ex-husband (who is now remarried) and his family. My ex-sister-in-law is still one of my good friends. And my relationship with Talon's dad is good. We've learned through these last couple of years what works and what doesn't work. For us, we keep each other on a need to know basis. We aren't Facebook friends. We rarely see or talk to each other, unless it has to do with Talon. And it isn't because we don't like each other, we do. I respect him as a person. This is just what works best for us. What he does and what I do on our own time is our own business. The only concern we have is Talon. We generally have the same expectations regarding the dos and don't with Talon. We both want the same things for Talon. I don't worry when Talon's with his dad nor does he worry when he's with me. Now when things come up that aren't of the daily norm, it does tend to cause some conflict but we get through it. We both want to start a new life with someone new but realize we still have to get along and work together as parents, not just for Talon's sake, but for our sanity as well. Because of that, I'm now comfortable bringing someone into this situation because I feel like there wouldn't be any issues.

I think this is important for everyone, not just single parents. One should never try to be in a new relationship until they have their issues with their ex sorted out. Otherwise it will ruin your new relationship. Nobody wants to be caught in the middle of drama that they can't control.

So the moral of this story is: Check Yo Baggage!

Confession: I used to be a horrible re-bounder. That's one of the worst things you can do after you end a relationship. Not only are you leading someone on, but you are also making yourself believe you like this new person under false feelings. Nobody wins. The best thing to do at the end of any relationship is to just give yourself some space, and time, to clear your mind. Space, time, clear yo mind. Space, time, clear yo MIND! <-- to the tune of the random beats that go through my head.......




"Time waits for no man. Time heals all wounds. All any of us can wants, is more time. Time to stand up. Time to grow up. Time to let go......"

No Scrubs

Believe it or not, I'm very old fashioned when it comes to relationships and a family. I do believe the husband is the head of the household. He makes the money, he protects the family, he's in charge of finances, and he has the final say. I also believe the wife does the cooking, cleaning, and takes care of the kids. Let's let that soak in for a minute before throw in my 'but'. BUT, even though those are the main responsibilities of each, I also believe they help each other out. I will always work, I actually enjoy it, and enjoy contributing to my family and society BUT I feel it's the husband's responsibility to stress over the finances. I enjoy cooking and cleaning because I like taking care of people BUT that doesn't mean I don't expect the guy to throw some burgers on the grill every once in a while or pick up after himself. Decisions should be made together but I do feel the man has the final say BUT that is only because I would only be with someone who I completely trust and know they will do what's best for our family. This doesn't mean the guy can come home from work and start barking orders at me. No no no no. He does that and I'll tell him to kick rocks real fast. You each have your own responsibilities but you work together as a team to fulfill them.

Now let's talk about that right relationship. You learn from experience it takes a lot more than just liking someone to make a relationship work. The biggest things I've learned from my past relationships is what doesn't work, and what I don't want.

Attraction is a funny thing. The hottest guy in the world could ask me out but there's a chance I could say no. Why you ask? Well it takes a lot more to win me over. Unless it was Channing Tatum. When you are on that Channing Tatum level, it's a whole different story. Let's all just take a moment and just thank sweet baby Jesus for this....

Aaaanyways, where were we? Oh yes, attraction. Attraction is more than just looks, it's actually the opposite to me. It's everything else you have to offer that makes me attracted or not attracted to you, and enhances or take away from your looks.

So what am I looking for? Well that's a good question with 5 easy answers.

1. I want someone who is driven. I don't care what your job is (as long as you have one and as it's legal), as long as you work hard at what you do, take pride in your work, and have initiative to keep bettering yourself, that's all that matters to me.

2. I want someone who has the same religious beliefs as me. I am a Christian, I do believe in God, and I do believe going to church is something that's important. It's important that whoever I'm with feels the same.

3. I want someone I completely trust. Trust is big. It's huge. Insecurity is the worst feeling and never ever would I be with someone I didn't trust.

4. I want someone who is all about family. I'm very close to my family. I see or talk to my parents and sisters every single day. They are the biggest part of my life. I need someone who wants to be a part of that.

5. Most importantly, I want someone who accepts Talon. I'm not looking for a dad for Talon, he has one of those. A good one too. I'm looking for someone to love Talon, enjoy spending time with him, be a positive influence on his life, and just be his best friend and someone he looks up to.

Now those are the most important but there's more. :) I have a very unique personality. I've been called "bossy" or "demanding" but I just call it "getting sh*t done".  It's the attitude you have to have when you do things on your own, such as raising a child, or owning a house. I'm not passive, at all, and I speak my mind. Not in a blunt, rude way, but I'm definitely always honest. I need someone who can handle that and give me some push back.  I'm also a very dorky, nerdy, geeky, person. I say and do things that are completely random and dumb, but I think it keeps life interesting. :) I want someone who appreciates that. I don't want someone who make me feel dumb for doing the robot in the bathroom when I'm getting ready in the morning, or gets embarrassed when I fall into parked cars, or when I get attacked by birds, or run into the automatic doors at Wal-Mart because they didn't open, because those things happen, often. I want someone whose positive and optimistic about life, who loves trying new things and exploring the world and all it has to offer. I want someone I can talk about anything and everything to. I want to be with someone who I'm just completely comfortable around. I want someone who knows who he is, and is confident in himself. I want someone who sees me as his best friend and enjoys spending time with me. I want someone whose proud of me. I want someone who makes me feel safe, that I know always has my back no matter what. I want someone who can make me laugh.  I want someone who makes me happy. I want someone who makes me and my life better.

Truth is, there are lots of guys who possess a lot of those qualities. I've dated some of them and they were great catches. But what's always been missing is that spark. You gotta have that spark. It's that feeling that makes you excited to see them or hear from them and makes you want to get to know them more. It's that instant connection.

Now I could go on and on and on about what I DON'T want. Instead, I'll just let Chilli, T Boz, and Lisa "Left Eye" Lopes sum that up for me....

Confession: I once made a list of all the qualities I was looking for in a guy when I was in high school. How did that work out for me? Well I found him, and he would later become my ex-husband, so.....

Next Topic: Baggage

I Am Me

Some say I'm too picky, my dad says he raised me to be too independent, others say I'll never find what I'm looking for. My oldest niece and nephew are convinced I'll be the old single cat lady. And me? Well I think they are all wrong. All of em'. Then what's my problem? Well I don't think I have one. I just haven't found my perfect match. You may be thinking, and many of you may be yelling this at the screen right now, "There is no such thing as perfect!", and I completely agree. Perfect as in the general definition doesn't exist, but someone perfect for me does. And by that  I mean  someone who balances me, who gets me, who fits into my life and I fit into theirs, whose all about me and I them, someone who can deal with my flaws and I theirs, and who can just put up with me. :) That's a perfect match. Both of my sisters have that, as do my parents. It does exist. That person for me does exist.

The older I get and the longer I am single, the more set in my ways I get and the more comfortable with being single I am. As I've said before, at first, I absolutely hated being single. It was such a hard adjustment. There were nights I would just cry because of how lonely I felt. It was hard for me to get used to being the 3rd, 5th, 7th wheel when I was with my coupled/married friends or even my family. But overtime, I got used to it, I adjusted to it, and now I'm completely okay with it. I like to think me being single is mostly my choice. My life as I know it now has evolved around me being single. When I'm not at work, and don't have Talon and not hanging out with my family, I'm doing homework, going to class, volunteering, hanging out with my girlfriends, and now blogging. :) I did that on purpose: to keep myself from rushing into another relationship. But it has become a catch 22. I'm now ready for a more serious relationship but now I am so busy that it's hard for me to meet new people and make time to get to know people on a different, more intimate level. Furthermore, I've been doing this for so long, it has become a habit. I am a very routine'd person. Through the week, I do the exact same thing. Monday's I work late because I don't have Talon, go home, eat dinner, do homework, then go to bed. Tuesdays, Wednesday's & Thursday's, I go to work, then pick up Talon, cook dinner, play with him, then we go to bed. The Friday's & Saturday's I have Talon, our days our filled with going places and doing fun things together. On the Friday's and Saturday's I don't have Talon, I call up the girls and we get together and go out. Sunday's I relax, do homework, clean the house, do yard work, and laundry. Same thing, everyday. And I enjoy it. I know what to expect. And I enjoy my space. So needless to say, it takes a lot for me to break that routine. I'm not saying I don't, I do, but it's not often. I do want to be with someone, I do want to adjust my life to fit someone else in it, but I will only when it's right. I think It's important to think about the future, what you ultimately want, and makes changes for it, but it's also important to live your life on how it is now, at this very moment. If you don't, you will be left with disappointments.

So you may be thinking, if you live your life the same way everyday, you will have the same things you've always had and get the same things you've always got. It's something I constantly get criticized for. And I agree. If I didn't, then that would be the definition of insanity. I'm ready to adjust my life to fit someone else in it but I won't until I find that right person.

Confession: I think there is a song that can express how you feel at any given moment in your life. That's the beauty of music.  Well this one sums up how I feel sometimes about being single.

Next topic: Who is that right person? 

I Hate Dating

Saved By The Bell totally misled me on how great dating is. I can confidently say:  I. Hate. Dating. I once told this to a guy on a first date, which I later realized wasn't the best idea because after the date, he text me and asked if that meant I didn't want to go on another date. I didn't mean it literally, well maybe I did, I mean I like the idea of dating, but it's just so complicated.

I've been in the dating arena for a little over 3 years now and it's still a foreign language to me. The last time I dated before this was in high school and middle school. Those were the good ol' days. It was pretty much, you're cute, and I like you this week, let's AIM each other and have our mom's drop us off at the movies. That was simple. Now, it's everything but.

Dating when you don't have any kids and dating when you do have kids are two completely different ballgames. Before Talon, if I liked a guy, I would jump in with both feet and if it worked out great, if not no big deal. Now that I have Talon, if I like a guy, I dip my toe in the water to get a feel, and more times then not, that's as far as it goes. Pre-Talon, I was just looking for someone to have fun with.  Post-Talon, not only am I looking for someone to have fun with, but I'm also looking for someone to eventually have a family with.  Not immediately of course, but long term. I eventually want it to lead to something more. I want it to lead to them meeting my family, meeting Talon, and eventually become my family. When you date me, you get more than just me, you get Talon too. And that's kind of a big deal. So whoever I date has to realize how important he is to me and also realize that not just anyone gets to experience that part of my life.


So here's my conflict. I hate dating, but I want to be with someone. I'm all about family, and want my own. That's what life is all about. Your accomplishments and successes mean nothing unless you have someone to share them with. One of the biggest struggles of being a single parent is that you have to perform all the duties of what a husband and wife would normally do together. I make the money, I pay the bills, I stress over finances, I cook the dinner, I mow the grass, I clean the house, I do the laundry, I take out the trash, I make the plans, I kill the spiders, I am Ms. Fix it, I make sure Talon gets to and from where he needs to,  I have to be the brave one when I hear strange noises in the middle of the night, I have to make sure everyone is happy, I'm the one who has to be strong, even during those times when all I want to do is breakdown. It's tough. But I have become used to it. You have to become used to it. And even though I can handle all this, it still always feels like something is missing. I want that best friend to share my life with, and to share Talon's life with. I want someone to just to be there for me and to tell me everything will be okay. And if he would kill the spiders and take the trash out, that would be great too. Please someone just take out the trash! I always forget.


Now let's get back to why I hate dating. At first, dating was new and exciting. At first. But it gets old. You have to put so much time and effort into dating. And it usually doesn't work out. That's frustrating. Then, it's just so confusing at first. You are trying to figure out how you feel, and figure out if they feel the same. One of the biggest struggles I have is I'm not a patient person. If I don't get the feedback I'm looking for, I lose interest, fast.  I either am into you, or I'm not. It's black and white for me. So when I meet someone and I feel like they are in the gray, I get immmmmpatient. It's something I'm working on. Furthermore, like most girls, I'm a very vulnerable person. I know that may seem shocking because I tend to keep a hard shell on my outer surface. But once you break through that, and I let you in, I put my heart out there. My whole heart.  I've only done that a couple of times in my newly single life, and got hurt both times, and even got my heart broke once. It's not a good feeling. This is why I rarely date. Not out of the fear of getting hurt, that's a small price to pay to find true happiness. But because it takes a lot, and my life is already consumed, so sometimes it's hard for me to justify taking that risk


BUT (and this is a big but), I love love. :) I love getting to know new people, even if it does just lead to friendship. I've remained friends with every guy I've ever dated, to include my ex husband. I'm not the type that gets mad if it doesn't work out. People can't help how they feel. I've met a lot of great guys, but just not for me or I am not for them. If it were that easy, no one would be single. Now my FAVORITE part about dating : the butterflies. Oh the butterflies. They are rare, but when you get them, it's a goooood feeling. There is not a better feeling then when you get a text from a guy, or you see him, or he says something that just makes your heart flutter. And I will say, that makes dating worth it. The feeling of being liked/loved, is a good feeling.


Even though I wish I could skip the dating part and just fast forward past the confusing, awkward phase, and get right to the happily ever after part, I won't give up on dating. The way I see it, it's just another chapter in my life, and it makes for good writing. :) Though being single is a lot of fun, if I had to chose between being single or in a relationship, hands down I would pick to be in a relationship. 

So I will end this post with some do's and don'ts for the fellas(and applies to the ladies too)that I wish I could have told many of guys along the way!

1. If you like a girl, let her know. Maybe she feels the same, maybe she doesn't, maybe she's never thought about it, and if she hasn't, I bet she will after that. Every girl wants to be pursued. Make sure she knows you are interested!
2. Give her space. I like to use the phrase " I can't breath". That means back off.
3. But not too much space. We girls need attention. Lots of attention.
4. Surprise her. Girls love a random text, visit, phone call, or just any random, nice, gesture.
5. Take the hint if she's giving you one. If she's being standoffish, not responding to texts so fast, or doesn't take you up on an offer to hang out, she's not interested. Move on.
6. If a girl says she's not interested, don't get mad at her. You can't help how you feel. Neither can she.


Next Topic: Trying to analyze why I'm still single. This should be interesting.

My Hardest Confession

Before I begin giving my insights, random thoughts, and silly stories from my daily life, I think it's important for you to understand how I got to this point in my life. Believe it or not, I haven't always had it "all together". Actually, it's quite the opposite.

 Self-discovery is something we all struggle with during our teen and early adult years. We spend most of the first part of our lives trying to figure out who the heck we are. It took me 23 years to even begin to figure that out. It may seem odd that I can narrow it down to the year, but I can...

The year I turned 18 was a big year for me. I bought my first lottery ticket, graduated high school, and got married. Me getting married was a shock to everyone, including my family. That wasn't a part of the plan. I was supposed to graduate high school, go to college, then get married, when I was older, much older. But I was ready then, or so I thought. I was in love, he joined the military, and I wanted to go with him. And that's what I did. Like most things, everything was great at first. As time passed, it got tough, real tough, and instead of fighting for it, I ran, as fast as I could, and never looked back. When I filed for divorce, I didn't tell anyone. I was ashamed. I was embarrassed. I felt like a failure. They were right. I was wrong. After I had signed the paperwork, I finally confessed to my parents. As much as they didn't want me to get married so young, they also didn't want me to give up so easily. But my mind was made up. I had already began a new life. My best friend and I got an apartment together, I found a good job, and started dating a new guy. In my mind, my marriage never even happened.

A few months after my divorce was final, I found out I was pregnant with Talon. It was at that moment my life came to a screeching halt. I had no time to process it or grasp it, before I knew it, the whole world knew. I was 20 years old. I cared about Talon's dad, but I was in no way ready for something serious. I was still running from my divorce. But I did what I was expected to do, and what I'm glad I did, I tried to make this new relationship work. It wasn't about me anymore, I was getting ready to bring a child into this world and the last thing I wanted for him was to be raised in a split family. Our relationship for the next 3 years was rocky. It came down to us basically going through the motions of a relationship because it's what was expected. I was always told it would get better.... But how could it? I still hadn't dealt with my divorce. I was still upset with myself for handing it as I did. I was still upset at myself for merely being divorced, by breaking a vow I had made to God. Furthermore, I had no clue who I was, what I stood for, what made me happy, or what I wanted out of life. I knew I loved my son, and my family, but that was really about it. How can you make someone else happy or expect someone to make you happy if you don't know what makes you happy?

 When I turned 23, Talon’s dad and I ended things. It was a very difficult decision, but I knew it's what we needed to do. I needed to take a break from life and just focus on me and Talon, and get my life together. It's what I should have done after I graduated high school. It's what I should have done after my divorce. And now that I had a child, it was now something I had to do. This wasn't something I had just decided overnight. It was something I had thought about for a while. And it was one of the hardest decisions I've ever had to make, and that's because it was affecting more than just me. Talon's father is a wonderful person, and a wonderful father, and I can prove this because he put up with me while I was going through one of the most difficult times in my life, but there was just something missing. I grew up with both of my parents being in the same household and I can't imagine what it would be like otherwise. I never wanted Talon to not have that. But I also didn't want him to grow up with two parents who just went through the motions of being a "family".

After the breakup, I still wasn't sure where to go from there. But I knew where I didn't want to go: I knew I did not want to jump into another relationship. In effort to keep my mind off of being single, and lonely (which after being with someone for the last 5 years I definitely was), I did whatever I could to keep myself busy. I enrolled myself back into school full time. I still had no clue what I wanted to do but just started taking classes. On top of that, I began volunteering. My first experience was at our local meal kitchen, then with our local food bank, and then I became a Big Sister with Big Brothers and Big Sisters. Between work, school, volunteering, my family, and being a mom, I had no time to think about a serious relationship, which was the best decision I could have made. I just focused on me and Talon. As a result, I found out what my passions were. I figured out what I wanted to be when I grew up. I also I became more confident in me and the decisions I was making. I finally knew who I was, and for the first time in a long time, I was happy with that person. I finally found myself.

Don’t get me wrong, everything just didn't fall into place and was perfect when I started my new life as a single mom. First, it was just a struggle to be alone. I have an amazingly supportive family, but there's just something about having that special person to lean on, and tell you everything is going to be okay. I didn't have that. I don’t have that. I had to be that person for myself. I had to learn to depend on myself for everything because I had a child who is also depending on me for everything. Second, anyone who is not with the other parent of their child knows how difficult it can be. The first year was living hell. We were both still young, hurt, and defensive. Furthermore, it was hard having to share our time with Talon. Lucky for Talon, he has a father who loves him and wants to be with him just as much as I do. This situation was new to us and we had a lot to work out. ALOT. And it was hard. BUT, after 3 years, I can honestly say we maintain a good relationship. Yes we still have our arguments and there are times I want to punch him, and I'm sure he can say the same for me, but at the end of the day, we realize we still have to work together to raise Talon together, and we do just that.


Now here I am, 26, still single, trying to survive the 'dating scene', raising an amazing little 5 year old, with a career, almost finished with two Bachelors, a homeowner, an advocate , super close with my family, at peace with my divorce and decisions I’ve made, completely confident in who I am, living life with the biggest sense of clarity, and absolutely loving the life God has given me. I’m pretty sure I took the longest, most difficult road to self-discovery that anyone could ever take, and unfortunately I hurt a lot of people along the way, but I made it. Thank you sweet baby Jesus I made it. It would be easy for me to say I wish I would have done it differently, but I don’t, and there is only one reason why: Had I not of taken this path, I may not of ever had Talon. Talon is my life, he’s my world. He gives me drive, he gives me purpose, it’s because of him, I know what love is.  I know I still have a lot to learn, and I’m sure I’ll make myself learn the hard way, but I finally feel I’m becoming the person God intended for me to be. I have a third chance to finally get it right, and by George that’s what I’m going to do!

So you may be wondering, how can someone just lay out their life like that to the world? That my friends, is an easy answer.  I’m okay with sharing my failures because not only have I learned from those failures, but I’m also confident in saying that I’m not that person anymore. I think it’s a part of the growing process. Not literally of course, my physical growth took no time. One of the biggest lessons I’ve learned in life is to be open and honest. Like the great Dr. Seuss says, be who you are and say how you feel… It’s what I do.

Well now that we've covered that, it’s time to start talking about the fun stuff. :)

Welcome To Confessions Of A Single Mom

"In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: It goes on."-- Robert Frost


That quote has become a staple to my life. It serves as a reminder that no matter what you are going through in life, you have to keep pushing through and keep fighting, because life does go on, whether you are ready for it or not.

Sharing my life and the experiences I've had is always something I've wanted to do. Why? To share the insight I've gained from the mistakes I've made, from my successes and failures, and what I've learned along the way.

Being a single mom was not something I had planned on. Like most people, I wanted the perfect, cookie cutter life: to get married, buy the house with the little white picket fence, have a couple of kids and a dog, and live happily ever after. But here I am, 26, divorced, and raising a 5 year old. It's funny how life doesn't usually work out the way you had planned. Nope, it usually works out better.

In this blog, I will share experiences from my life, and what the life of a single mom is all about, all while posting the random thoughts that come to this crazy mind of mine. You will laugh, you may cry (hopefully not out of pain from reading it), either way, it's bound to be a good source of entertainment.


Welcome to The Confessions Of A Single Mom.