Work-Life-Baseball Balance

The other day I thought to myself--  "hey, I'm doing better with not working at nights and weekends as much and learning how to disconnect from work" . Which is partially true. I’ve one been bringing my laptop home a couple nights a week which is a big change from the every night but when I thought about why,  the reason wasn’t as exciting as I thought it would be—It’s only because I don't have time.

There are days I have to leave work early to pick Talon up from wherever he is then drop him off at the ballpark by 5:00pm for a game. He has to be there an hour before the game starts so even though I have an hour to kill, there is no sense of my wasting 30 mins to commute to and from home so I just stay at ballpark. There are nights we don’t leave the ballpark until after 10pm. I even once pulled Talon from a scrimmage early because we didn't get him till almost midnight the night before, he had been at the ballpark for 5 hours straight already, We were tired, hungry because we hadn’t ate, I needed to wash the sweat off me and restart the washing machine for the third time in hopes I'll have time to get the clothes to the dryer this time.

Only do it all over again-- another scrimmage, then leaving work early to play 3 days in Indiana or 3 days in Louisville because they schedule a game at 3:30pm on a Friday. Don’t these schedulers know we have jobs!

I work less from home only because I don't have as much time. Often times I'll work in my car while waiting for the game to start or during practice to save time (thank goodness for iphone hotspots). My job is demanding. I love it but it's demanding, and if you get behind, it's so hard to get caught up.

I absolutely love what I do. But when you try to do all of that and keep up with a mini major leaguer, make time for your husband, house, and rest of your family, AND sleep, it’s tough.

And let’s talk about the food situation. Do you know how hard it is to cook dinner when you are at work all day and at the ballpark most nights of the week? I’ve had enough burgers, hot dogs, and fast food to last a lifetime. I once resorted to ordering Ginza at 9:30pm at night just so I wouldn't have to eat another hot dog. 

Oh but then there’s the part where I'm a newlywed and we are trying to have a baby. That in itself can be stressful on a relationship. But trying to get pregnant in a small time frame with health issues and constantly having to decide if we should keep trying or wait – even more stressful.

I haven't gone to church in months because if we aren't at ballpark, those rare Sunday's we have off I want to be lazy, not shower, and lay by pool since that rarely happens. We finally made it last Sunday and had a joking conversation with our minister ‘reintroducing ourselves’ because it felt like it had been that long. I explained to him why we hadn’t been to church in MONTHS with the promise that after this next weekend, baseball is over and we’ll be back for good.

WRONG! Turns out the first tournament for fall ball will be the second weekend of August. We get one weekend off. One. Talon has been playing since January. Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely love watching him play ball. And he absolutely loves playing ball. There is no place I’d rather be than watching him on the field doing what he loves, but trying to create a work-life-baseball balance is tough.

But I’m learning. I’m learning that my house can’t always be clean. That I can’t always get laundry done in one day. If I don’t want to eat burgers, hotdogs, and fast food then I have to plan ahead. That maybe I just have to be okay with watching our church sermons online for now. That if a baby doesn't happen right away and we have to wait until next year to try again, then that's okay. That if I want to enjoy everything in my life, I have to be flexible. That at the end of the day, if everything I wanted to get done doesn't get done, so long as I'm spending that time on the relationships in my life, that's all that really matters. 

These are some of the best days of mine and Talon's lives, and though sometimes they are long, overwhelming, and so completely exhausting, one day they'll be gone, so I'm going to enjoy every minute of it.

An Ovulation Test & A Bottle Of Wine

(As you can tell by the title of this post, readers beware. This post does contain TMI so if you are weirded out easily, you may want to stop reading now. :) )

An ovulation test and a bottle of wine---

That's what I had in each of my hands when I was at Walgreens the other day. If you hadn't guessed it by my last blog post then now you know-- we are trying to have a baby. And because time is of the essence, trying to make it happen as soon as possible is the reason for the ovulation test. And paying $65 for said test is the reason for the wine. That and the fact that it's been a couple of months and it hasn't happened yet.

And I wish you could have seen the face of the guy at the register when I went to check out. 

Welcome to my world, buddy. 

Having more kids is something TJ and I have been talking about for some time. It's something that a lot of married couples think about. It's an exciting thing to think about. But for me and Teej, it's an exciting thought that also comes with risk. Risk we've thought about, researched, and decided to take.

If you were to ask a doctor, including my doctor, if they would recommend that I to have more kids, their answer would be no. That's because in order for me to have a child, I have to stop taking the medicine that keeps me alive. A medicine that if I did not take, my life expectancy would be 3-5 years.  This medication works by killing the 'bad blood cells' and it works great but the downfall is, it causes birth defects. Therefore, there is no way I could keep taking it while trying to conceive. So that means I have to stop taking it. The risk-- that my leukemia will progress.

My doctors recommendation is 'no'. But knowing that I really want kids (as do many younger women with CML), his next recommendation was to wait until my leukemia was basically 'more under control than what it is'. In simple terms-- the goal of treatment is for 0% of your blood cells to be leukemic. This means that the treatment is killing all of the 'bad cells'. I was once at 0% but have been over 0% but less than 1% for several months. Seems minor, but in the grand scheme of things, it means that something still isn't quite right. But the thing is, most people never reach 0%. I may never reach 0% again. And if I keep waiting until that day, that day may never come. So I decided I'm not waiting. 

That wasn't a decision that was made lightly. I've done research, lots and lots of research. I am part of a women's CML support group and even asked for their experiences, the ones who have had children. All of them have great stories. I'm not naive in knowing that there are some who haven't had that happy ending, those who aren't alive to share their story. Unfortunately that's a sad reality. But that's a chance I'm okay to take. And here's why--

I've been off my meds for two months. I recently had a blood test and my numbers haven't increased much. That's a good sign. If during this process they do begin to increase to a concerning level, once I'm far enough along, there is a form of treatment I can take that would be safe to the baby, it would just make me really sick. That's a fair trade off. Heck, I was sick almost my entire pregnancy with Talon, not like it would be anything new. Now I get tested every 3 months, once I'm pregnant I'll be tested more often to monitor the progression. But that's the good thing about this type of leukemia. It's chronic, which means it's 'slow growing' therefore, nothing crazy SHOULD happen over night. If something does happen, I feel like I will have time and options. At least that's what I'm hoping for.

Actually, I'm hoping for a non-eventful pregnancy. Some women with CML have had those. Their CML didn't progress at all. Now while I'd like that to happen, I'm not holding my breath. I'm preparing for it to progress a little, but hopeful not to a point where it's a concern.

Actually actually, I'm just hoping for a pregnancy. The longer I'm off my meds, the more at risk I put myself. When deciding to try, TJ and I decided that we'd only try for a certain amount of time. If it doesn't happen soon, then I'll go back on my medications then try again at a later date. In all honestly, I'm not real comfortable being off my medication for more than a year. That gives us 3 months to make that happen. That's a lot of pressure. And because of that, I've tried to just let it be. If it's supposed to happen it will, if not, then I can't be upset because God has already blessed me with the most amazing 8 year old. He is enough. Anything else will just be a bonus. 

Whether it happens or not, I plan on documenting the process. Not for the sake of me, but for the sake of any other woman living with CML who one day want children. I hope my story will be one of those happy stories.

I hope. :)

You can follow my entire CML journey from the beginning here.