Just The Two (Now Three) of Us

When I became a single mom, I vowed to not let people come in and out of Talon's life, specifically, anyone I date. First I think it's hard enough on a child as it is to be raised in two different homes because of no fault of their own. But then to get attached to your mom or dad's new significant other, it not working out, and not seeing them again-- that's really unfair to a child and can be confusing. I wasn't going to let that happen to Talon. 

I've always been very protective of Talon, and very selfish of my time with him. Luckily for Talon, he has a great dad who loves him and wants to be with him as much as I do. The downfall for me: that means I don't get to see Talon every single day. And after 5 years, you'd think it would get easier, but it doesn't. So when I have Talon, he has my undivided attention. 

Talon's dad and I split up when Talon was around the age of 2. Because he was so young, he doesn't ever remember his dad and I being together. He has always known it to be just me and him. Up until TJ, I have never brought anyone I dated around Talon. So for the past 5 years, it's just been the two of us- he's my sidekick, my wingman, my world, and our bond is inseparable. 

 

And I did this to protect Talon, but turns out it was a catch 22. 

Since Talon has had my undivided attention for the last 5 years, it was difficult for him to have to share it. Talon had never seen me hold a guys hand, much less kiss a guy, so the first time he saw that type of affection between TJ and I, it was as uncomfortable for me as it was for Talon. And for some reason I felt guilty. I felt more guilty the first couple of times TJ came over to hang out with me and Talon. Talon loved it so long as TJ was paying attention to him, but as soon as TJ started paying attention to me, he got a little jealous. He never initially told me this, but my momma sense could tell. And finally I got him to confess-- "I don't like it when you pay attention to TJ and not me." After he told me this, I picked him up, gave him a big squeeze, and reassured him that he will always be my number one, and I'll always make sure to make time just for us. And I will, he's my baby after all. 

And has time has passed, Talon and TJ have become two peas in a pod, and Talon loves having him around as much as I do. And the funny thing is, they are both so much alike. They both love sports, love playing sports, love watching sports, playing video games, and love to wear what Talon and I call "comfy clothes'. They are my boys. :) I love peaking my head into Talon's room and watching and listening to them banter back and forth about whose team is going to beat who in the video game. I love hearing Talon call TJ by his nickname that he gave him-- 'Teej". I love watching their relationship grow. It truly warms my heart. It's important that whoever I marry is as good to Talon as they are to me, and TJ is just that. 

It's just another reason why I love him. :)

And at the end of the day, I'm happy I made that vow five years ago. Because of that, Talon will never have a memory of 'that one guy I dated'. Just his dad, and his step dad. 

 

Confession: This has still been a struggle for me. Talon will still get upset if he knows TJ and I do something 'fun' without him. As a result, I have convinced him that when he's at his dad's, TJ and I just sit at home, do absolutely nothing, and it's so completely boring, so he doesn't think he's missing out. But I know the worst thing I can do as a mother is lead my son to believe the world revolves around him. But I just love him sooooooo much, it's hard. But I'm working on it. 

I'm working on it. :)

Dating Leukemia

So I like to think I bring a lot to the table in a relationship- fun, honesty, loyalty, randomness,  compassion,  a tight knit family, an awesome 7 year old, and a whole lot of love....

... and leukemia.

When I was diagnosed in 2012 with Chronic Myelogenous Leukemia, I didn't really think about how this could or would impact a future relationship, but it does.

When I'm having one of my bad days, or develop a new side effect, or a new symptom, or am just feeling concerned about my health, the only person I really talk to about that is my mom. Why? Because she's my mom. She's more concerned about my health than I am. And as a mother, I totally get that. I can complain to her about how I'm feeling, or vent about how frustrating it is when my medicine that I have to take every day for the rest of my life makes me so miserable, and never would she think that I'm being a baby, or whining, or being needy. But to the rest of the world, I put a big smile on my face, even when I don't want to. Why? Well mainly because I don't want to come off as a complainer nor do I want anyone to feel sorry for me. And I don't want me having leukemia seem like a weakness. But mostly, that's just who I am. I try to stay positive, and optimistic, because the world has enough negative Nancys  and pessimist Petes. So the last thing I want to be is a Nancy or a Pete, no offense to any Nancys or Petes out there. But you know what I mean.

So I smile.

And I tried pulling that stunt with TJ. He was aware of my diagnosis, but initially we never really talked about it in detail. That's because I didn't want to. Dating and having a child is one thing. Dating and having leukemia is a whole 'nother. Dating someone who will spend her lifetime taking a medication that makes her sick, who will have hundreds of thousands in medical bills each year (thank goodness for insurance), who may not be able to have any more kids,  and who could potentially not live to her full life expectancy, is enough to scare anyone away and make them want to run.  And the last thing I wanted to do was scare TJ away. So I hid it as best as I could. But it didn't work. 

There was a time I went to the doctor because I was concerned about a new symptom. I didn't tell TJ. But when he text me while I was there and asked what I was doing, I couldn't lie. And his response, "why didn't you tell me? " My response, "I don't want you to worry."  And I don't. I don't want anyone to worry.  Then that's when he had "the talk" with me-- he told me he always wanted me to be honest with him about my health, and talk to him anytime I was concerned. He wanted to be there for me. And he has been. Anytime I'm nauseous, or have a horrible headache, or just not feeling well in general because of my medication, he offers to do whatever I need, whether it be get me a drink, food, or just let me be. And he willingly does it, because he wants to. Because he loves me, for me, leukemia and all. I can't explain how great it feels to have that extra support. I've always received it from my family, but never imagined I would receive it from somewhere, or someone else. 

And just this past week, he proved to me again that me having leukemia, no matter how it may impact his life, is not enough to make him run.

If you read my post back in December, then you know when I went in for my quarterly testing and checkup, I asked my doctor to reduce my dosage of Gleevec. Since being diagnosed, I have been taking 400mg of Gleevec daily. While this quickly got my leukemia under control, it didn't come without a lot of side effects. Side effects that can make it hard to function day to day. My doctor agreed to drop it down to 300 mg to see how I did on that, but I decided I was going to go even lower to 200mg. I have read where several people only take 200mg and it still controls their leukemia. I thought it was worth the try. 

The next four months were great. I was feeling better, I had more energy, I was getting sick less often-- life was good. I was excited. I could handle feeling like that for the rest of my life. 

But the happiness was short lived. I went back for my quarterly testing and check up a couple of weeks ago and got the results last week-- my leukemia was progressing. My doctor assumes it's because the dosage wasn't strong enough and bumped me back up to 300mg. But in the event that my body is just no longer responding to Gleevec, then I'll have to try another treatment. We'll find out in 2 months. 

This was heartbreaking news for me, for a couple of different reasons. One, I didn't want to increase my dosage because I knew it would just make me sick. A week later with the increased dosage, I'm having horrible headaches, I've been completely dehydrated, my face is swollen in the mornings, and  I just don't feel well. I'm back to square one. And it's frustrating. 

But then the thought that I may not be able to have any more kids really sank in. I knew that was a potential, but for some reason I thought it wouldn't be an issue with me. You see, not a lot of women in the 'childbearing years' have CML. So there isn't a whole lot of research/studies on women with CML having children. What is known is that Gleevec causes birth defects, so women who want to have a child must stop taking it. Generally they are off it for a year or more. People sometimes stop taking Gleevec for whatever reason. Sometimes it's months or even a couple of years before their leukemia starts progressing.  But here's the thing-- I didn't even stop taking my medication, just reduced my dosage and within a couple of months, my leukemia progressed. So that means if I didn't take it at all right now, it would really progress and who knows how serious or life threatening it would be within a year or more. It was a heartbreaking realization. 

And when I had to tell TJ, I was worried how he would react. We have talked about maybe having more kids at some point. And with this new news, that may never be a possibility. And before even letting me explain what all this means, these were the texts he sent me::

"With your health, I'll never ask you to stop taking your medicine to have a child. We can always adopt if you want to."

"Take your medicine like you're supposed to. Don't cheat me out of time with you. I'm committing to you and to live with you, not without you."

Still not running. How did I get so lucky? 

I know my leukemia will always impact our relationship, but TJ constantly reassures me by his words and actions that no matter what happens, he will always be by my side. 

And that's one of the many reasons why I love him.

How Fast Life Can Change

So it's been a while since I've blogged, like really blogged, and I miss it. And it seems the only time I do blog, it's a health update. And while I do have a health update, I have sooooooo many other things (and exciting things) to talk about. But this is what happens--  I'll randomly think about something I want to blog about, I'm pumped about it, but once I get home, that motivation goes right out the window. You see, I've really REALLY adjusted to this thing called "free time". It's something I hadn't ever experienced before, until I graduated from college last May. I thought it would be hard to get used to, since my entire adult life has been jam packed from sun up to sun down, but turns out, me and my couch and bed have developed a really good relationship. If all goes as planned, every night I'm in bed at 9pm.  It's wonderful. 

Anyways.... 

I'm really going to try to do better. Otherwise, how will you all know what's going on in the life of this (soon to not be) single mom? And there's A LOT going on. Where to start, where to start...

So there's this guy, that I love, and we are getting married... wait, what?! It's still hard for me to wrap my mind around, too. Me, the girl who has been single for over 5 years, who was convinced that it was just going to be me and Talon forever, and I was okay with that. I had adjusted to being single. Then in one night, all of that changed. 

I've known TJ for a couple of years, and never EVER in my wildest dreams did I ever think we would end up together. Until that one night, last Fall, we ended up at the same place-- my friend Jasmine's house. I don't know why, or how, but that night, I really opened up my eyes to TJ. And I fell, hard. And I still haven't gotten back up. 

When I say I haven't been in a serious relationship in over 5 years, I mean it. I've dated, but nothing serious. And I've dated some great guys, but something was always missing. I could never figure it out, until that night last Fall. It was that spark, that instant connection that drew me in. The way I instantly felt about him that night was a way I had never felt before. I knew this was different, I knew he was it. Really.

Since that night, there hasn't been a day we haven't talked or seen each other. And each day, I fall more and more in love with him. Speaking of love, I can vividly remember the first time he told me he loved me. It gave me butterflies. Aside from Talon telling me he loves me, they were the sweetest words I had ever heard. 

Even though we've only been dating for a short while, I have no doubts he was made for me. I've felt that way for a while, too. Everything with him is just, different. We are different in so many ways, and he drives me crazy in so many ways, and I know I'm not always a cup of tea either, but it doesn't matter, we still work. We've had some pretty big arguments, but each time we do, I feel like our relationship just gets stronger once we get through it. And I feel confident that we will always be able to make it through. The way he loves me is a way I've never been loved. It's such a great feeling--To love someone, and to be loved back. 

"It will happen when you least expect it", they say. Well they were right. 

Enough gushing. 

But there have been some challenges-- dating with a child, and dating with a serious health condition-- two things I had never done before, up until this point in my life. 

And that's what I'll talk about next time. :)