We're Half Way There!

Four and a half months later… we are half way there!

This is me at 20 weeks. Don't mind the messy, pulled back hair and lack of makeup. I had just taken a nap (which happens almost daily). 

SO much has changed since the last time I blogged about my pregnancy and my health. I’m in my second trimester (yay!), my hyperemesis has downgraded to just normal pregnancy morning sickness (double yay!), my leukemia is starting to stabilize (triple yay!), AND we found out that our precious baby girl is completely healthy (quadruple yay!). My days are filled with less worry and now more excitement!

People told me it would happen, and I remembering it happening when I was pregnant with Talon, but when you are so miserably sick, you don’t think it’s ever going to happen. Around 13 weeks, I woke up one Monday morning and it was like a fog had been lifted. If you follow my blog then you know, week 6-12 was completely and utterly miserable. I couldn’t eat a bite of food, I couldn’t drink a drop of water, all I could do was just try to sleep because I was dealing with your not so average morning sickness—hyperemesis. I spent a couple of days in the hospital getting fluids because I was so dehydrated and ending up losing a total of 10 pounds during the course of that time. I couldn’t even concentrate to watch a TV show and couldn’t even carry on a conversation because I was that miserable, all day every day. Unless you’ve had hyperemesis, it’s really hard to put into words how terrible it is. But just when I didn’t think I could handle it any longer, the second trimester started and I slowly began feeling like better and better and now at 20 weeks, I can say I feel like a normal pregnant person. It’s so very exciting!!

I still have to take Diclegis 4x a day (and if I miss a dose I can totally tell) but only have to take anti-nausea meds as needed (I was taking them around the clock). I do still get sick on occasion but it’s nowhere near what it was. I can put in a full day at the office, I have energy to put effort into getting ready which includes putting on makeup and fixing my hair, I can do laundry, clean house, and even started cooking again this past week—I’m pretty much back to my normal routine. Even though I'm struggling with anemia, I still have so much more energy than what I have had. I’m still limited on what I can eat (still can’t eat red meat—no burgers or steaks -- and I crave a burger from Laha's like something awful, warm, heavy foods are a no go, and sweets are limited—no chocolate) but I can eat, I CAN EAT! I still can only drink water and a little unsweet tea but it’s better than having to get fluids from an IV. Now the sad part-- the foods that I crave are salad, apples, string cheese, and almonds. How boring is that? And I’m not normally a salad or apple eater, until now.  It’s so weird how your body changes when you’re pregnant. It’s like my body knows how I’m normally such an unhealthy eater so it’s forcing me to be healthy while pregnant. I know that’s something I should be happy about (and I am) but that’s supposed to be one of the perks of being pregnant, right? Using the excuse that you’re pregnant and eating whatever you want? I still have a few more months to go so maybe that will change. On the other side of that, since I haven’t been spooning ice cream out of the tub every night, I haven’t gained much weight. Well technically, I haven’t gained any. Now I weigh the exact same as I did before I was pregnant. BUT I did lose 10 pounds initially and just now gained that back, and the fact that I feel like I can’t eat enough tells me I’ll probably be packing on the pounds soon. :)

And now onto my health. If you follow me on FB then you know that last week I received some really exciting news from my oncologist. The risk of me being pregnant is that I can’t take my normal treatment for my leukemia, which inevitably means my leukemia will progress throughout my pregnancy. So long as that slowly happens, then we can delay treatment until after I have the baby. Each month, we do a couple of blood tests to essentially check where my leukemia level is. Initially, my numbers increased pretty quickly which was a huge concern so I was prepared to start treatment sometime soon. Well my last blood test results showed that my numbers weren’t increasing as quickly anymore and were beginning to stabilize, which is what we want. The longer it remains like this, the longer we can delay treatment, which overall is what is best for me and baby. Now that could change at any moment (I get tested every 4 weeks) but the results of this last test gave me hope that there might be a chance that we delay treatment until AFTER I have the baby—something I was convinced otherwise in the beginning. It was a good day.

And then icing on the cake?? Finding out today that our little GIRL is completely healthy and growing just like she should. Now THAT was music to my ears. It’s been hard to enjoy this pregnancy because I have been so concerned— having leukemia and knowing the risk is poses to me and baby, having hyperemesis and that being so hard on my already weak immune system, and having to take medications that even though I know are ‘safe’ during pregnancy, still can’t help but make you worry—my biggest concern all along was the health of this baby. So when we finally got to see for ourselves and hear from our doctor that SHE looks perfect, it was the best news ever. Did I mention I’m going to have a daughter? It’s so crazy to say. I was convinced I’d always be a boy mom. Looks like God had other plans. :)

So how am I feeling at 20 weeks (4.5 months) pregnant? Blessed, thankful, and so completely overwhelmed with the joy and excitement. Let the fun begin!

Confession:

TJ and Talon were both pulling for a boy. I think TJ is still in shock but excited (and possibly a bit scared :) ) but Talon was instantly excited when I told him the good news. His response—“I’m so happy WE are having a girl!” It melts my heart every time he talks about the baby. It’s not ‘mom is having a baby’, it’s ‘WE are having a baby.’ That boy is going to be the best big brother. <3


To read more about my pregnancy journey, click here. 

My Pregnancy Journey: The Uncut Version

So two weeks ago, I posted this on Facebook---

While I was very excited that I was FINALLY feeling some relief from the horrible pregnancy plague, also known as Hyperemesis, a big part of me was hesitant to be excited. That’s because I knew it was very likely that I was getting excited too soon, which turned out to be true. 

You see, the week prior, I went in for my monthly testing to check the status of my leukemia. They have to send this test off and it usually takes about 1-2 weeks before you get the results back.  I was expecting those results back any day and had a feeling that I wasn’t going to like the results. Not to get into too much detail, but in additional to the test that they have to send off, there is a simple blood test that they also do locally (where you know the results within hours) that can show red flags. I always check those results as soon as they are available and for the first time since being diagnosed, it showed those red flags. So I knew something was up, I was just left to wait for the real, definitive results.

If you follow my blog, then you know that around the time I found out I was pregnant (and after two months of stopping treatment), my leukemia showed signs of progressing. It went from half a percent to 2%. Not a HUGE jump, but still a sign of progression. We knew this was likely to happen, just so long as it happened slowly. That’s the best thing about this type of cancer—it’s slow growing. Many people have it for months or even years before its detected. That’s why some women choose to stop treatment to have children because the likelihood of it progressing to a very serious level within 9-12 months is slim.

The very next day after posting about how excited I was to FINALLY be feeling better and more like a ‘normal’ pregnant person, I got a call from my oncologist who told me what I didn’t want to hear. “Your numbers took a big jump. I’m sending you to the head of hematology at the UK Markey Cancer Center to get his opinion on where we go from here.” I went from .5%, to 2% in 2 months, to 15% in just 2 more months. That’s a very BIG jump very QUICK.

I was headed to a meeting for work when I got this call and after hanging up, I couldn’t contain my emotions and began to cry. Luckily I had another co-worker going to this meeting who was able to cover it for me so I changed my route and ended up in my driveway where I continued to cry, and cry. The cry wasn’t out of fear or worry, it was out of frustration. I knew what this meant. It meant that just as I was finally beginning to feel better it would be short lived because I would soon have to start treatment, which would make me feel sick again. I just wanted to be normal, feel normal, be able to work like normal, be able to take care of my home like normal, be able to spend time with my family like normal.

And to be completely honest, for a brief moment, my tears were for fear. Not for myself, but for my 8 year old sweet baby boy, Talon. We knew there was risk involved and challenges we'd have to go through for me to have more children, but it was a risk we felt confident and hopeful about. But what if we made the wrong choice? If something were to happen to me, I know it would be hard but I know my husband would eventually be okay, and my family would eventually be okay, but what about Talon? How selfish of me to have wanted another child so badly that it was worth risking him having to grow up without a mother. That is my biggest fear. And for a brief moment, that fear crossed my mind.

But then I pulled myself together. We knew it was likely that my numbers would progress. We hoped it would happen slowly to where I would never need treatment during pregnancy but we knew that was a possibility. And we knew if that were to happen, there is a couple of different options of treatment I could take that would be safe for the baby. We knew that if that point came, my oncologist would send me to the UK Markey Cancer Center to create a plan and go from there. So while all of this was definitely not wanted, I can’t say it was a surprise. We knew these were all possibilities and risks involved and the risks that we accepted when starting this journey. And this is where we are.

Before starting this journey, I reached out to other ladies in one of my CML support groups who have had or were also trying to have children. I remembered one in particular who actually had this very similar situation happen to her so I immediately reached out to her to ask how she was doing, how the baby was doing, and what actions she was taking to be sure she is able to safely deliver a healthy baby. Her response gave me so much hope and a sense of peace. She had started the treatment, which posed some challenges, but her and baby were doing well. She was having tests and doctors’ appointments about every week. She had found ways to cope with side effects of the treatment and had still been able to work. It was exactly what I needed to hear.

A week and a half later, my mother, husband and I traveled to Lexington to meet with this new doctor and learn what’s next. Having done so much research prior, I knew what was likely to happen next. I knew I would have to begin treatment, I knew I would have to deal with some bad side effects for the remainder of the pregnancy, but I knew it’s what had to be done and I was ready for it.

But what I didn’t anticipate was for this doctor to offer me something that I didn’t expect— time. While there is definitely reason to be concerned, we aren’t at ‘code red’, yet. While my numbers did take a big jump, I’m still in phase 1. There are 3 phases to CML. Phase one is chronic, phase two is accelerated, phase three is blast, which turns into a completely different type of cancer that becomes very aggressive and hard to treat. The goal is to keep my CML from going to phase 3. My doctor’s recommendation was so long as I’m in phase 1, do nothing except continue to test and monitor on a regular basis. Once I enter into phase 2 (which is very likely to happen at some point during this pregnancy), then I will begin treatment. He reassured me that the likelihood of this progressing to the blast phase during my pregnancy without treatment at all was slim, but I’ll start treatment before it gets to that point. This was like music to my ears. So at this point in time, we do nothing, just test and wait. So while I expected to leave that doctors appointment with a hand full of syringes for the injections I’d have to start giving myself each night, I instead left empty handed but also with a new sense of relief and hope.

So what does this all mean-- It means that it is still very likely that I’ll have to start treatment at some point during this pregnancy, but not today. And THAT makes me soooo excited because I have more time to enjoy being a somewhat normal pregnant person. Of course that could change at any moment, but I’m prepared for that. I’ll get my latest test results back later this week and that may show I need to start treatment. It’s likely that WON'T be the case and I’ll test again in 4-6 weeks and wait to see what those test results show, so on and so forth. So in my mind, I likely have a good 1-2 months (maybe even longer) before I’ll have to begin treatment. The longer I can hold off, the better. What is also likely is I’ll have this baby earlier than my due date. I’ll likely be induced as soon as it’s safe for the baby. That’s because even though the treatment I’ll be taking while pregnant is deemed safe for the baby, it’s not the most effective treatment for CML. It’s actually not a treatment, it’s an immunotherapy called Interferon. Typical treatment for CML is a targeted therapy in the form of a pill (it’s like chemo, but it only kills the ‘bad’ cells where chemo kills all cells). This can cause birth defects so it’s not recommended to take while pregnant, which is obviously why I haven’t been taking it since we decided to start this journey. But the immunotherapy is safe for the baby. It’s essentially a therapy that boosts your immune system so you can naturally fight off cancers. The goal of this treatment isn’t to actually treat the leukemia, just stop it from progressing until I can safely begin normal treatment again, which can happen after I have the baby.

While all of this might sound crazy and overwhelming and you wonder why anyone would put themselves through this, I am actually excited (again), hopeful, and at peace with where we are at this point in time. Aside from that one moment that one day a couple weeks ago, I’m not worried at all. Is it a false sense of hope? Maybe. But when I was diagnosed with leukemia three years ago, I decided I was going to live my life as ‘normal’ as possible, even though that meant facing a lot of challenges, and even though it would probably be anything but easy. And this is me doing just that. And if I know one thing, it’s that the only thing worrying will do is keep you from enjoying life, and ain’t nobody got time for that. <3

Confession:

I was really hesitant about writing this blog post. I definitely don’t want pity or for people to worry for me because this is a choice we made and risks we accepted. And to be honest, the less I have to think about these challenges, the easier. It’s just easier when people are asking how things are going, for me to answer “good” than go into all of these complicated details.  It’s just more fun to pretend I’m a ‘normal’ person going through the joys of pregnancy. It’s more fun to talk about how I now can drink unsweet tea (yay caffeine) and how we can’t wait to find out if we are having a boy or girl so we can begin shopping, or talk about how funny it is going to be to see TJ holding a baby, and just enjoy watching my belly get bigger and bigger as this little peanut continues to grow, than it is to talk about obstacles and challenges we have to face. But because there isn’t a What To Expect When You Have CML and Are Expecting manual, I made a vow to document this entire process from start to finish for other ladies who are in my shoes and who have CML and are thinking about having children one day. Good, bad, or otherwise, this is a part of my pregnancy journey. 

You can follow my entire journey here. 

A Royal Sickness

Turns out Princess Kate and I have something in common.......

Hypermesis Graviduram. That’s probably like a foreign language to most but for 2% of pregnant women, those are some cuss words.

Imagine your worst hangover ever….

Now imagine feeling like that all day, every day….

Welcome to life with Hypermesis (minus the alcohol, and minus the fun time and bad decisions the night before).

Hypermesis Graviduram (or also known as HG) is severe nausea, vomiting, and dehydration in pregnant women. This ISN’T your typical morning sickness. This is when your body acts like it’s growing a half human/half vampire in your belly and it sucks the life out of you (that’s a Twlight reference for those who didn’t catch that.)

I suffered from HG when I was pregnant with Talon. It was so bad, I had to quit my job. I couldn’t eat or drink anything without immediately throwing it back up. I started out at 110 pounds, went down to 97 pounds in the first trimester and slept through the first half of my pregnancy thanks to the Phenergan. It was miserable. There was one silver lining however—I only ended up weighing about 125pds at 9 months and had an almost 9 pound baby so within just a couple of DAYS after giving birth, I was smaller than I was before I got pregnant. I remember in the last trimester, I finally got my first pregnancy craving—cheese pizza from Papa John’s. How boring is that? It was a long 9 months but oh so worth it. My sweet baby boy forever changed my life and I would do it all over again. Well, I am doing it all over again. :)

Flash forward 8 years later. I find myself in the hospital from dehydration and completely miserable due to HG and the nurse asks me—so you had HG with your first pregnancy and you decided to do it again? Yeah, I was asking myself the same thing. It’s funny how you can forget how bad something is when so much time has passed. I was hoping it would be different this time. Wishful thinking.

My pregnancy didn’t start out rough, at first. I felt great up until 6 weeks. Ate whatever I wanted, did whatever I wanted, I was loving life. Then it was like my body realized what was going on and went into shock. I couldn’t eat or drink a thing. Nothing sounded appetizing. I was nauseous from the pregnancy, then nauseous from being hungry but not able to eat. I started out at 114 pounds and went down to 105 in less than two weeks. I was miserable. I could barely walk to the bathroom and couldn’t even carry on a conversation. All I could do was lay there and hope my anti-nausea meds would knock me out. I was admitted to the hospital for dehydration (or to be more technical, I had ketones in my urine which isn’t good during pregnancy). They pumped me full of fluids and full of anti-nausea meds but I still felt miserable, still couldn’t carry on a conversation or focus on anything except how miserable I was feeling. They let me go home and my doctor prescribed me something called Diclegis to take in conjunction with my anti-nausea meds. After taking my first dose of Diclegis, I instantly starting feeling some relief and was even able to eat part of a sandwich. It was so exciting, but short lived. 

The next several days I still felt miserable and found myself back in the hospital getting more fluids. At this point, I had taken 6 straight days off from work and began wondering how I was going to make it through this pregnancy. My house was a wreck, I hadn’t done laundry in forever, my 8 year old was eating Doritos and Pediasures for dinner because I didn’t even have the strength or stomach to go to the kitchen and make him something to eat, and I had to depend on TJ to do everything—drop Talon off at school, pick him up, take him to practice, pick me up some ice or some food that I would try to eat, bring me something from the kitchen, go to the grocery for me, pick up my prescriptions, do laundry, do everything because I couldn’t. Talk about a test in your first year of marriage.

But then I started to feel SOME relief. I figured out what medication to take and when and with what. I am able to stomach a couple of bites of certain foods and handle a few sips of water. Now this might now seem like much but it’s better than nothing which what I was eating/drinking before. And I’ve made it back to work, most days. I still haven’t made it through a whole work day and I still feel completely miserable and still haven’t gained any weight, but I’m throwing up less (it’s mostly gagging and dry-heaves, TMI I know) and throughout the day, I’m able to eat a total of almost one meal and consume about one bottle of water. I’m still at 105 pounds but have maintained it. I still have a hard time focusing on anything but the misery I feel but it’s better than before. I am still very weak and can’t do much more than walk from one room to another, but it’s better. I still have to sit down while getting ready in the morning and it still takes forever to do so because I have to stop and take breaks so I don’t pass out or throw up but I’m able to do so most days. So if we are being honest here, I still feel pretty miserable but it’s better than before. I’m able to somewhat function again. My house is still a wreck, my laundry is still piled high, I still have to depend on TJ to take care of Talon most days, I still can’t socialize with friends or family, but I’m able to work some and do more than just sleep. And I’m hopeful it will continue to get better as my pregnancy progresses.

First my days consisted of trying to sleep all day, every day. Now my days consist of making it to work part of the day, making sure I’m taking my medications at the exact time, then coming home and sitting/laying on the couch then eventually finding the strength to walk to the bedroom and go to bed. and always stressing about what I’m going to try to eat because I know as soon as I get hungry, if I don’t find something to nibble on, I’ll be down for the rest of the day. Talon, TJ, my family, and my friends have been completely neglected by me. Lucky for me, they are all very understanding and very supportive. And I’m even more fortunate that my boss has been so flexible and accommodating to me at work. It’s definitely helped to relieve some stress.

So in a nutshell, having hyperemesis is when…..

• ·         You can only stomach sips of water but crave flavor SOOOO bad that you will take a drink of apple juice or orange juice but immediately regret it after, yet you will do it again the next day.
• ·         You have to have your husband drive you to the grocery store OR go for you because you don’t have the strength to go yourself and need that support in case you find yourself throwing up in isle 4.
• ·         While you love brushing your teeth to get rid of that nasty taste in your mouth, you also dread it because it also aggravates your super sensitive gag reflexes and, well you get the picture.
• ·         You wake up with some Trix (as in the cereal) stuck behind your ear because most of your eating happens in bed.
• ·         Before you eat something, you ask yourself “am I okay with throwing this back up later?” because that's most likely what will happen.
• ·         When you can’t wear anything remotely tight or fitting or it makes the nausea even worse so your limited to wearing the couple pair of stretchy pants that you have, unbuttoned and sometimes unzipped and a long shirt to cover. You would wear a dress but that would require you to shave your legs and well, that ain’t happening.
• ·         When even though you are losing weight by the day, your boobs keep growing by the minute and your bras no longer fit so you are forced to wear a tank top with a built in bra until you muster up enough strength to go to Target and find something that fits, and isn’t tight, and has no wires, and really does nothing for support. Options are limited, let me tell ya.
• ·         When you get home from work, you strip down to a tank top and underwear and that’s all you wear until you have to go out in public again (forewarning to anyone who just wants to ‘stop by’)
• ·         When you are tired alllllll of the time. Pregnancy itself causes tiredness, then not being able to consume any caffeine (not because you don’t want to, but because you can’t stomach it) is even worse, then add on the drowsiness caused by the anti-nausea meds you are taking around the clock—I call that Triple Tired.
• ·         You waste soooo much money of food because you are willing to try anything that you can keep down but really can’t eat any of it.
• ·         You now hate the thought of the foods you once loved. Me, the person who could eat all day, everyday. Now thinking about food is just misery.
• ·         When you see a commercial on TV about food, you have to close your eyes or change it real quick or when someone shares a recipe on FB you have to scroll past it real quick because just the thought of warm food can make you throw up… just the THOUGHT.
• ·         You manage to force some food and water down your throat then make one false move (turn to fast, get up to fast, eat something with flavor) then you throw it all back up and in your best Baby from Dirty Dance voice, you throw your arms up in the sky and say “ I did it for nothing!!”
• ·         You constantly have a lump in your throat and know at any given time, you could throw up. 
• ·         When you always have a trash bag, napkins, and bottled water in your car at all times.
•           You realize how great of a support system you have because your family is stepping up to do anything for you (my Aunt went grocery shopping for me, my Mom cleaned my house, my husband never says no to anything I ask)

So why am I telling you this? I assure you it’s not for pity. I knew what could be when signed myself up for this. I say this so if you see me out, at work, in town, at the ballpark and I have this horrible look of disgust on my face (I try to keep a smile but if not), it’s because I have the worst taste in my mouth and feel like at any moment in time, I could throw up. If I’m standoffish, not talkative, nor overly friendly, it’s nothing personal, it’s just because I’m so miserable that it’s hard for me to carry on a conversation. Hopefully the worst will only last a couple more weeks then I’ll get to enjoy regular morning sickness the rest of the time. :)

While with my pregnancy comes misery, the prize at the end will be so completely worth it! Come on March 2016!

So for anyone else who suffers from HG, here are some things that I have found that work---

• Take Zofran morning, lunch, evening (after you’ve had a couple of bites of something)
• Take Diclegis morning, after lunch, and before bed
• Take Phenergan at night before bed
• If you can only drink water and even that’s too hard, mix in a splash of 7UP or Apple Juice
• Food that works for me--- cold foods only (bagels, chicken salad, turkey sandwiches, pears and peaches, black bean and rice burrito)
•  Eat very small bites and very slowly
• Don’t drink through a straw
• Don't drink water on an empty stomach
• Try to eat as bland as possible

Confession:

So I’m sure many people frown at the thought of taking medications while being pregnant. However, I’m a firm believer that you have to weigh the pros and cons. I took Pheneragan during my pregnancy with Talon and he turned out a-okay. Everything I’m taking is deemed safe to take while pregnant. The alternative is to not take them, and I’m honestly not sure I nor the baby would be able to survive without them. I have to have my body as healthy and as strong as possible, not just for the baby, but also because I need my body to also naturally fight off this cancer since I’m not able to take treatment for it. 

Garrett, Party of Four

Ahhhh, a baby. And a puppy. And the other two dogs we have along with the 8 year old. Life for the Garrett’s is about to be crazy, and I’m so excited!

(our newest addition to the family-- Murray)

So if you keep up with my blog, then you already knew that TJ and I were trying to grow our family and that we had a limited time frame to do so (read more here). First of all, with the type of leukemia I have and will always have, my treatment comes in pill form that I have to take every single day to keep it under control. The only problem is, it’s not recommended to take it while pregnant because it can cause birth defects. The recommendation from my oncologist was to keep taking it until I had a positive pregnancy test (actually his recommendation was to not have any more kids but he knew that wasn’t going to happen). However, I didn’t feel comfortable having it in my system at all so after doing some research of my own, I decided to stop taking it before we started trying. The longer I’m off it, the more at risk I am for my cancer to progress to a serious level so we gave ourselves three months to make this happen. If it didn’t, we would try again next year. 

Secondly, the most demanding time for me at work is between October-February. That’s the time of our campaign which means I’m in lots of meetings asking people for money to support our cause. I’m a fundraiser, it’s what I do. So I had to time it where I wouldn’t either be a. dealing with morning sickness during that time and b. wouldn’t be on maternity leave during that time. So that left us the summer. Since we had some many factors against us and such a small time frame, though I wanted it to happen more than anything, I tried not to be overly optimistic about it.

So two months off my meds had passed and I went to my quarterly checkup with my oncologist. Testing showed that my leukemia had progressed by 1.5%. Now that might not seem like much, but it’s higher than it’s ever been since being diagnosed with leukemia. It was heartbreaking to hear. While I expected it to gradually increase, I was hoping it would take longer than a couple of months to begin. So the next question was—how much longer do we keep trying? Our window was closing and it just seemed like it wasn’t meant to be so we decided to hold off. It was becoming stressful on our relationship.  I decided to wait a few more days before I started to take my medicines again so I could enjoy a side-effect free life for just a little bit longer. 

The day had arrived for me to begin my 8+ pill daily regiment but something inside of me told me to take a pregnancy test, just in case. I had no reason too—I wasn’t late nor felt any different.  When the results came back, I was in complete shock at what I saw-- It was positive!  My first thought was an exciting—‘Oh my gosh I’m pregnant!’ The next thought was a scared—‘Oh my gosh I’m PREGNANT.’ Even though this was planned, the initial thought scared me to pieces. Am I ready to give up my nights full of sleep and free time? Our world is about to completely change. Are we ready? What if my leukemia progresses? Then a sense of calmness came over me. All odds were against us, the time frame for trying was unrealistic, but it happened, and I think God had a big hand in that. I've never been in control of it anyways, but He has been so what is there to worry about? 

Garrett Party of Four (and 3 dogs)-- Coming March 2016!

CONFESSION:

While I’d like to say this has been a fun, exciting, uneventful pregnancy thus far, it’s been everything but. Not only am I growing a child in my belly while my body is also fighting leukemia, I’ve also been blessed with what us lucky 2% of women deal with during pregnancy—hyperemesis gravidarum (hg). More to come on that. 

Work-Life-Baseball Balance

The other day I thought to myself--  "hey, I'm doing better with not working at nights and weekends as much and learning how to disconnect from work" . Which is partially true. I’ve one been bringing my laptop home a couple nights a week which is a big change from the every night but when I thought about why,  the reason wasn’t as exciting as I thought it would be—It’s only because I don't have time.

There are days I have to leave work early to pick Talon up from wherever he is then drop him off at the ballpark by 5:00pm for a game. He has to be there an hour before the game starts so even though I have an hour to kill, there is no sense of my wasting 30 mins to commute to and from home so I just stay at ballpark. There are nights we don’t leave the ballpark until after 10pm. I even once pulled Talon from a scrimmage early because we didn't get him till almost midnight the night before, he had been at the ballpark for 5 hours straight already, We were tired, hungry because we hadn’t ate, I needed to wash the sweat off me and restart the washing machine for the third time in hopes I'll have time to get the clothes to the dryer this time.

Only do it all over again-- another scrimmage, then leaving work early to play 3 days in Indiana or 3 days in Louisville because they schedule a game at 3:30pm on a Friday. Don’t these schedulers know we have jobs!

I work less from home only because I don't have as much time. Often times I'll work in my car while waiting for the game to start or during practice to save time (thank goodness for iphone hotspots). My job is demanding. I love it but it's demanding, and if you get behind, it's so hard to get caught up.

I absolutely love what I do. But when you try to do all of that and keep up with a mini major leaguer, make time for your husband, house, and rest of your family, AND sleep, it’s tough.

And let’s talk about the food situation. Do you know how hard it is to cook dinner when you are at work all day and at the ballpark most nights of the week? I’ve had enough burgers, hot dogs, and fast food to last a lifetime. I once resorted to ordering Ginza at 9:30pm at night just so I wouldn't have to eat another hot dog. 

Oh but then there’s the part where I'm a newlywed and we are trying to have a baby. That in itself can be stressful on a relationship. But trying to get pregnant in a small time frame with health issues and constantly having to decide if we should keep trying or wait – even more stressful.

I haven't gone to church in months because if we aren't at ballpark, those rare Sunday's we have off I want to be lazy, not shower, and lay by pool since that rarely happens. We finally made it last Sunday and had a joking conversation with our minister ‘reintroducing ourselves’ because it felt like it had been that long. I explained to him why we hadn’t been to church in MONTHS with the promise that after this next weekend, baseball is over and we’ll be back for good.

WRONG! Turns out the first tournament for fall ball will be the second weekend of August. We get one weekend off. One. Talon has been playing since January. Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely love watching him play ball. And he absolutely loves playing ball. There is no place I’d rather be than watching him on the field doing what he loves, but trying to create a work-life-baseball balance is tough.

But I’m learning. I’m learning that my house can’t always be clean. That I can’t always get laundry done in one day. If I don’t want to eat burgers, hotdogs, and fast food then I have to plan ahead. That maybe I just have to be okay with watching our church sermons online for now. That if a baby doesn't happen right away and we have to wait until next year to try again, then that's okay. That if I want to enjoy everything in my life, I have to be flexible. That at the end of the day, if everything I wanted to get done doesn't get done, so long as I'm spending that time on the relationships in my life, that's all that really matters. 

These are some of the best days of mine and Talon's lives, and though sometimes they are long, overwhelming, and so completely exhausting, one day they'll be gone, so I'm going to enjoy every minute of it.

An Ovulation Test & A Bottle Of Wine

(As you can tell by the title of this post, readers beware. This post does contain TMI so if you are weirded out easily, you may want to stop reading now. :) )

An ovulation test and a bottle of wine---

That's what I had in each of my hands when I was at Walgreens the other day. If you hadn't guessed it by my last blog post then now you know-- we are trying to have a baby. And because time is of the essence, trying to make it happen as soon as possible is the reason for the ovulation test. And paying $65 for said test is the reason for the wine. That and the fact that it's been a couple of months and it hasn't happened yet.

And I wish you could have seen the face of the guy at the register when I went to check out. 

Welcome to my world, buddy. 

Having more kids is something TJ and I have been talking about for some time. It's something that a lot of married couples think about. It's an exciting thing to think about. But for me and Teej, it's an exciting thought that also comes with risk. Risk we've thought about, researched, and decided to take.

If you were to ask a doctor, including my doctor, if they would recommend that I to have more kids, their answer would be no. That's because in order for me to have a child, I have to stop taking the medicine that keeps me alive. A medicine that if I did not take, my life expectancy would be 3-5 years.  This medication works by killing the 'bad blood cells' and it works great but the downfall is, it causes birth defects. Therefore, there is no way I could keep taking it while trying to conceive. So that means I have to stop taking it. The risk-- that my leukemia will progress.

My doctors recommendation is 'no'. But knowing that I really want kids (as do many younger women with CML), his next recommendation was to wait until my leukemia was basically 'more under control than what it is'. In simple terms-- the goal of treatment is for 0% of your blood cells to be leukemic. This means that the treatment is killing all of the 'bad cells'. I was once at 0% but have been over 0% but less than 1% for several months. Seems minor, but in the grand scheme of things, it means that something still isn't quite right. But the thing is, most people never reach 0%. I may never reach 0% again. And if I keep waiting until that day, that day may never come. So I decided I'm not waiting. 

That wasn't a decision that was made lightly. I've done research, lots and lots of research. I am part of a women's CML support group and even asked for their experiences, the ones who have had children. All of them have great stories. I'm not naive in knowing that there are some who haven't had that happy ending, those who aren't alive to share their story. Unfortunately that's a sad reality. But that's a chance I'm okay to take. And here's why--

I've been off my meds for two months. I recently had a blood test and my numbers haven't increased much. That's a good sign. If during this process they do begin to increase to a concerning level, once I'm far enough along, there is a form of treatment I can take that would be safe to the baby, it would just make me really sick. That's a fair trade off. Heck, I was sick almost my entire pregnancy with Talon, not like it would be anything new. Now I get tested every 3 months, once I'm pregnant I'll be tested more often to monitor the progression. But that's the good thing about this type of leukemia. It's chronic, which means it's 'slow growing' therefore, nothing crazy SHOULD happen over night. If something does happen, I feel like I will have time and options. At least that's what I'm hoping for.

Actually, I'm hoping for a non-eventful pregnancy. Some women with CML have had those. Their CML didn't progress at all. Now while I'd like that to happen, I'm not holding my breath. I'm preparing for it to progress a little, but hopeful not to a point where it's a concern.

Actually actually, I'm just hoping for a pregnancy. The longer I'm off my meds, the more at risk I put myself. When deciding to try, TJ and I decided that we'd only try for a certain amount of time. If it doesn't happen soon, then I'll go back on my medications then try again at a later date. In all honestly, I'm not real comfortable being off my medication for more than a year. That gives us 3 months to make that happen. That's a lot of pressure. And because of that, I've tried to just let it be. If it's supposed to happen it will, if not, then I can't be upset because God has already blessed me with the most amazing 8 year old. He is enough. Anything else will just be a bonus. 

Whether it happens or not, I plan on documenting the process. Not for the sake of me, but for the sake of any other woman living with CML who one day want children. I hope my story will be one of those happy stories.

I hope. :)

You can follow my entire CML journey from the beginning here. 

The Grass Ain't Always Greener

This was my Time Hop today---

Now you may be thinking, “So what, looks like some random pictures of you hanging out with your son and nephew three years ago”.

Well, you’re right, that’s what those pictures are of. Talon wanted to have a sleepover so in true Mom/Aunt Dana fashion, I had the whole day planned—we went to Target, had dinner at Moe’s, walked over to the neighborhood firework spot, hung out outside alllllll night, then lit some fireworks (on a night that I’m pretty sure was a no fire-work night because of a recent drought but that’s beside the point). It was a fun night. It was a busy night. We didn’t stop until we went to bed, probably around midnight. It would be the last full night I’d ever have like that because the next morning, I would end up in the ER having my appendix removed, and hospitalized for the days following while the doctors tried to figure out what else was wrong with me—that I had cancer, Chronic Mylogeneous Leukemia, something I'd have for the rest of my hopefully very long life.

That was the last night I felt like me. It was the last time I could go non-stop all day long and never get tired. It was the last night I could eat whatever I wanted and not have to worry about how it would react with my body. It was the last night I wouldn’t have to drink water all day to ensure I didn’t get dehydrated. It was the last night that I felt ‘good’.

Since about two weeks after that night, I’ve been taking 9-12 pills daily. 4 of those pills are treatment—they control the leukemia. The others help with the side effects of those 4 pills.  If you’ve followed my journey than you know the side effects that come along with those medications—nausea, vomiting, extreme fatigue, bone pain, hair thinning, headaches, more nausea and fatigue, dehydration, food sensitivities and intolerances, and just overall not feeling good. And that’s been every day since. You can read more here. 

But for the last almost 2 months, I haven’t been taking any of my medications-- none, nada, zilch. And boy have I noticed a change. I’ve always assumed my sickness was coming from the side effects of the medications I was having to take to stay alive. In these last 2 months, I’ve really been able to tell just how much it has affected me.

My hair is thicker, I’m no longer nauseous, I’m not as sensitive or as intolerant to as many foods/drinks, I no longer have to revolve my day around making sure I prepare/eat a big enough meal at a certain time to prevent myself from later having to throw up and be miserable for the rest of the night. I’ve just felt better.

But here’s what I wasn’t expecting—even without taking those medications that constantly made me sick, I’m still don’t feel 100%. In my mind, it was always the meds that was making me sick and not the cancer and in those moments when I felt my worst, I always questioned whether quantity of life was more important than quality. Yes my meds keep me alive but if you can’t enjoy life is it worth it? Maybe I’d be better off not taking anything? But the cold hard truth I realized while being off my meds for the last couple of months—though the medications are a big blame, the cancer is to blame, too. Even though I do feel much better, I still battle with constant fatigue and dehydration. I can still barely get through a work day without having to lay down and rest. I still don’t have energy to swim or play bad mitten with Talon after work until after I take a nap. I still can’t get through a day at the baseball park without having to come home and lay down. I’m still just as, if not more, exhausted than ever before. And. It. Is. Frustrating. So frustrating, to the point where I’ve broke down and cried so many times. I just want to have energy. I just want to be able to do the normal things a normal person can do in a normal day. I just want to be able to do the things my son wants me to do without having to constantly explain to him why I have to rest.

That’s one thing I was looking forward to when I stopped taking my medications. I thought I would feel like me again, like the me that's pictured above. But what I’ve realized, that ‘me’ is long gone. I’ve realized the fatigue wasn’t just from my meds ‘killing the bad cells’ like I had always thought, but it’s also because the leukemia keeps me from having enough ‘good, healthy cells’. The ones you need to have energy. It’s because I’m not healthy, because I am sick.

Turns out, the grass isn't always greener on the other side. And while this might seem like a complaint or a pity party, I assure you it's not. I think maybe it's what I needed to help me accept that this is the new me, and there is not changing that, so I just have to deal with it. 

Confession:

Now you are probably wondering why I stopped taking my medicines. Well, my friends, that’s for another blog post for another day. 

 Don’t you love the suspense? :)

Moments of Impact

This day last year, I was having a bit of a pity party about the fact that I hadn’t seen Talon a lot lately because he was on summer break from school, I still had to work, so he was spending a lot of time with family.

Little did I know that later I would learn just how unworthy of a complaint that really was. You see, because hours later, I would be reminded how fortunate I am to have a son to complain about not seeing as often as I’d like because there are some parents who don’t have the luxury of seeing their children at all. 

Some of those parents would become my aunt and uncle.

There’s some quotes from the movie/book, The Vow, that have just stayed with me ever since that night.  

“My theory is about moments, moments of impact. My theory is that these flashes of high intensity that completely turn our lives upside down actually end of defining who are. The thing is, each one of us is the sum total of every moment that we’ve ever experience.”

“The moment of impact proves potential for change, has ripples effects far beyond what we can predict..”

'That’s the thing about moments like these. You can’t, no matter how hard you try, control how it’s going to affect you. You just got to let the colliding parts go where they may. And wait, for the next collision.”

June 22, 2014 was one of those moments. I can still remember that night as vividly as I can remember this morning. The phone call I received from my mother telling me Brianna had been in a wreck and was being flown to UofL hospital,  that it was bad, that her liver was damaged and they couldn’t stop the bleeding. I remember getting to the hospital and being with my family in the second floor waiting room just waiting, and praying, and hoping, and wishing, and still had hope that she was going to pull through and be okay. Then moments later, a nurse would come to the waiting room very frantically and tell us to ‘get back there now!’ I remember her mom, my Aunt Tonya, crying out, “Please don’t take my baby, God!” I remember my sister and I walking and then crawling down that desolate hallway because we already knew what was to come, and the pain that we were already baring made it too difficult to walk. I remember when we finally made it to Brianna, she was lying in a hospital bed, lifeless, surrounded by doctors and nurses pushing and pushing on her chest trying to get her heart to beat again. I remember seeing her dad, David, by her side, kneeling, yelling ‘fight baby girl, fight!” I remember seeing her brother, Brice, stand behind David in shock, in disbelief, and in true heartbreak for what he was witnessing. I remember one of the doctors coming up to my sister and I and saying, ‘she’s gone”. I remember I almost passed out from hyperventilating from crying and pain because I had never witnessed such tragedy.  The scene was surreal. It was chaos. It felt like it was in slow motion, like I was inside of someone else’s’ body. It felt like a nightmare. It was a nightmare.

That moment is a moment I will never forget. It's a moment that I think about every single day. That was a moment of impact, and it was a moment that would have ripple effects far beyond what we could predict...

It's fair to say the ripple effects have also been life changing. Some of those ripple effects, one in particular, was just as tragic, unfair, and heartbreaking and still doesn’t feel real. But as crazy as it may sound, some other of those ripple effects have been truly amazing. To see a community come together for two family's in pain, to be there to support them, to rally behind a law that needs to be changed to hopefully prevent at least one family from having to endure such an unimaginable pain and heartache, to see so many people’s faiths become stronger, to watch a young girl, Mickayla, who was also involved in the wreck, beat all odds and continue to recover and inspire many, to get to know her wonderful family, being able to witness two parents who would embrace the mother of the man who took the life of their child, because they can empathize with the pain she is feeling,  two parents who have lost so much, still stand and continue to be an example to so many those are some pretty amazing ripple effects that I’m blessed to be in the wake of. 

"A Girl Needs A Dad To Be The Standard Which She Will Judge All Men"

It’s because of my dad that I have such high expectations of what a father should be. As a matter of fact, instead of relaxing or laying around and watching TV, I bet my dad is outside, doing yard work, getting the side-by-sides ready, cleaning the pool, and just getting everything ready for the family to have a fun time when they come over later. Because that’s just how he is, he always puts his family first. Making sure we are all safe, taken care of, and happy is what matters most to him.

My dad has always been more than just the man who provided for and took care of his family, he’s been the man who has taught me so much about life, whether it was on the softball field, at school, at work, as a Christian, or as a parent. He’s always pushed me hard and expected a lot out of me. And I’m so thankful for that. It because of that I am the person that I am today.

My dad’s always been my biggest fan and supporter. In school, he always volunteered to come along on field trips with me to be sure I had a good time. He preached the importance of good grades and rewarded us when achieving our potential. When I played sports (basketball, softball, cheerleading), he always made sure I had all the opportunities to be the best, whether it was going to camps or one-on-one trainings or having the best equipment.  And they never missed a game or competition. And I’m talking about even those times when I was cheering for our football or basketball team two hours away, they were there. It meant and still means so much to me. And even as an adult, they are still my biggest cheerleader.

My dad’s always been there to catch me when I fall. And I’ve fallen a lot over the years. My dad has given me a lot of great advice over the years, and even though a lot of times I would do the opposite of what he advised, he never said “I told you so” when I failed. Instead, he was there to catch me when I fell, picked me back up, and pushed me on my way again.

My dad’s always been the person I’ve felt safest with. If there’s a bad storm coming, a family or work crisis, driving in unsafe travel conditions, or even one of those times were I’ve felt lost, if I am with my dad, I know everything will be okay.

What I admire even more about my dad is not only is he all of those wonderful things to me, he’s all of those wonderful things to my sweet baby boy. When Talon is with my dad (or mom), I don’t have a worry in the world. I know he’s safe, taken care of, and happy.

Happy Father’s Day Poppa!

Confession:

Today I’m also thankful for some other fathers. 

I’m thankful for Talon’s dad because he is such a wonderful father to Talon. When he’s with his dad, I know he’s in good hands because he’s with someone who loves him just as much I do.

I’m thankful for my uncle David. He’s always been and continues to be such a great example of what a father’s love should be.

And I’m soo thankful for TJ. I can only imagine how challenging being a step parent can be. But TJ does such a great job at it. Having someone to help me take care of and provide for Talon, someone who gets along with and respects Talon’s dad, someone that spends quality time doing ‘guy stuff’ with Talon not only means the world to Talon, but means the world to me. It’s in those moments that I fall deeper and deeper in love with him. <3