A Raw Confession

Growing up, 4th of July was spent at my aunt and uncle, Tonya and David's house. Their house was one of many that semi-circled a couple of the holes on the Pine Valley Golf Course. It was a perfect set up for setting off fireworks. And that's what they did, year after year. It wasn't just a family affair, it was a community affair. Everyone in the area would bring their favorite dish and their lawn chair, hang out with family and friends, and wait for dusk to fall so the fireworks show could begin. It was something I looked forward to every year. This tradition began when Brice and Brianna were itty bitty, during the time when you could let your children run around the neighborhood and the only thing you had to worry about was the occasional scraped knee or bump on the head from well, just being kids. And I can still see both of them running around with all of their little friends, laughing and playing. Just before the fireworks began, I could almost always count on talking one of them into letting me hold them because even though they loved fireworks, like most kids, the loud sound left them feeling a little uneasy. And I loved being able to make them feel safe, and protected. 

 

 Oh what I would give to still be able to protect them.

This 4th of July was a lot different.  This 4th of July was spent at the hospital. As we were making our way home that evening, people all over began lighting fireworks. I laid my head against the car window and as I watched firework after firework go off, I couldn't help but think about all of the families that were together, spending time together, laughing, playing, and just enjoying life, just as we used to.  Instead, my family was not only mourning the loss of my cousin, Brianna, we had also just said our final goodbyes to her brother, Brice. I wasn't just sad, I was bitter.

I haven't had much to say these past few days. I've been overwhelmed with so many feelings. Never in my life have I felt this type of anger, or hurt, or pain, or sadness, or bitterness that I have felt these past few days.  I'm not mad at God, I know he didn't do this. I'm mad at the situation, I'm mad at life, and I'm mad there is nothing I can do to change this. My heart hurts so incredibly bad, especially for my aunt and uncle, Tonya and David. What they have had to endure these last couple of weeks is unimaginable and so not fair. Someone I know put it perfectly when they said that if someone were to make a movie about what my aunt and uncle have experienced these past two weeks, people would say it's too farfetched and completely unrealistic because something like that could never possibly happen. It just doesn't seem real.  But it is. 

When my cousin Brianna passed, I was mad, and completely heartbroken.  To lose such a sweet girl with her whole life ahead of her, was heartbreaking. The day after her funeral, the entire Taylor family spent the evening together, eating, sharing funny stories, and released lanterns in memory of Brianna. It was such an emotional moment but so special. By the end of the night, I think we all left with a sense of peace. We all realized our lives would never be the same and we would all miss Brianna so so much, but we knew we could get through this, together. And I think Tonya and David felt the same. And part of the reason that they felt that way was because of Brice. Brice had been their rock those past couple of days. Though he was hurting so incredibly bad for the loss of his best friend, his sister, he did his best to stay positive and took it upon himself to do whatever he needed to help his parents (and quite frankly the rest of the family) get through this. Even at Brianna's visitation, when we were all so sad, he pulled up a video Brianna took on his phone a while back that he knew would make us laugh, and it did. It was exactly what we needed in that moment. 

I think it's something we were all thankful for, that Tonya and David had Brice. The strength that the three of them displayed together, along with their continued commitment to their faith helped all of us. 

But then the following Monday happened. 

I received a phone call from my mom. " Brice has been in an ATV wreck. A deer ran out in front of him, he hit it, was airlifted to UL Hospital, has had two brain surgeries and now we are just waiting." 

What?! At first, all I could do was just sit there in shock. How is this real?  Just days after my aunt and uncle buried their daughter, their son is now fighting for his life? It just didn't seem possible. 

And then as I learned more details of the situation, my heart shattered. Brice and his parents had just left a small memorial for Brianna at their neighbors house. It was the one week anniversary of her wreck. Since it was in close proximity to where Tonya and David live, they just took their ATVs. Brice on one, Tonya and David on the other.  As they were passing the church where they had the funeral for Brianna just days ago, my uncle spotted a deer off the road and frantically yelled at Brice trying to get his attention. But it was too loud, and too late. His parents witnessed the entire wreck.

Can you imagine? I can't. 

When we first went to the hospital to see him, I left with a false sense of hope. First, he looked so good, just like Brice, only sleeping. Secondly,  even though we were told how critical his condition was, I couldn't make myself believe that he might not make it. I mean, we just lost his sister. There is no way possible we are going to lose him too. That just can't happen. We need him, Tonya and David need him. 

Like Brianna, Brice was an amazing person, and I admired so many things about him. 

1. He was the person you always wanted to be around. We could always count on Brice to lighten even the most intense situations and conversations, which happens often with the Taylor bunch, especially when you talk sports or politics. We could also always count on him to crack a joke, which was usually in the form of poking fun of my dad or his parents, which we thoroughly enjoyed. 

2. He was a family man, and so protective of all of us. He always made sure everyone was included, that we didn't feel like we were missing out, and made sure everyone had a good time. 

3. He was the best big brother. His dad, David, often said that Brice was harder on Brianna than David was. It's because he loved her so much, and wanted the best for her. Most siblings that age want very little to do with each other, but they were always together. They were best friends. 

4. He was his dad's sidekick. I loved the days when I would be out in town and would pass David in his truck and see Brice tagging along in the passenger seat. As a parent, I know how much that meant to David.

  

5. He was the son my dad never had. My dad was blessed with three girls, poor guy. He tried his hardest to turn me into a tom boy but that lasted only a few years. As Brice got older, he and my dad spent more time together doing "guy stuff". You know, shooting guns, hanging out at the property, and doing whatever guys do. I was always so thankful my dad had Brice. And so thankful Brice made time for him. 

That's the thing with Brice, he wasn't like most 20 year olds. He had his friends, but enjoyed hanging out with his family just as much. 

As the days passed, Brice's condition continued to get worse, and then reality sank in- Brice isn't coming home. My shock turned into sadness, which made me angry, and bitter. 

Bitterness is a feeling I don't think I have ever felt before. I've always been a glass half full kinda girl, always seeing the good in even the worst situation and always happy for others. But boy was it hard this time.  The happiness was sucked right out of all of us. I didn't want to be around anyone or anything happy because happy wasn't a feeling I or any of us have been feeling, and it's still hard.  I became bitter when I would overhear people have conversations about day to day life, funny things that had happened, and getting aggravated over petty things.  I've had to refrain from scrolling through my FB news feed because it would make me so bitter seeing statuses and pictures of people being happy and having fun. How can you have fun at a time like this? How can you be happy?  

Everyone else's life had continued on and ours had stopped. Or at least that's how I felt. And I say these things not to make anyone feel bad for enjoying their life, because that's exactly what you should be doing. It's what we all should be doing. I say these things to show how such a tragedy can temporarily change you.  

I don't want to be bitter, I don't want to be jealous of someone else's happiness, I long to post pictures and FB statuses of happiness, I long to complain about petty things, I long to be with my family during a happy time, having fun. And I know these are selfish and ungrateful things to say because I know I should be thankful for the time we did have with Brice and Brianna, for God blessing Tonya and David with two wonderful children in the first place, and that I still have so many things in my life to be happy about and thankful for but it's all being overshadowed  by the tragic losses of both of my cousins. And then I think, this is just how I feel. I can't even begin to imagine how Tonya and David feel. How are they standing? How are they functioning? How are they even breathing? 

But they are, and they have continued to stay strong in their faith. They are the ones who have suffered the most, who feel the most pain, the most heartache, the most sadness, whose lives will forever be changed, and they are still the ones that have given us strength, because even though it's so incredibly difficult, they are still standing, they are still functioning, they are still breathing. They are the epitome of the quote, "You never know how strong you are, until being strong is your only choice." They are our rock. Because if they can get through this, then anyone can get through this.  And I know they are going to get through this. In time, we all will. 

And once we wash away the sad and heartache, we can begin celebrating the lives of Brice and Brianna Taylor, and there is so much to celebrate.   

*Brice and Brianna were both organ donors. Three of Brice's organs were immediately matched to three people whose lives depended on it. Through the loss of their lives, other lives will be saved. 

*Both Brice and Brianna had a personal relationship with God. I have no doubt that they are together, in Heaven, and that is such a comforting feeling. Because of their faith and the continued faith of their parents and family, I also feel that more people will come to know Jesus through them, and more lives will be saved.   

*And we can celebrate the time we did have with them. I for one wanted more time, but I'm thankful for the time I did have. I'm thankful for the memories, the funny stories, the love they showed my son, and that we got to share our lives with them.  The joy they have given me is something I will always cherish. 

*And the impact, the impact that they both had on so many people, I know that makes Tonya and David so proud, it makes me proud too. They didn't have much time here with us on Earth but boy did they leave their marks. This community is forever changed because of Brice and Brianna, and that's something to be proud of. 

 I have no doubt that it's faith, and support from family and friends that have helped Tonya and David through this tragic time, and they are going to continue to need it. The amount of community support our families have received is so humbling. What an amazing town we live in for everyone to rally behind two, heartbroken parents, and doing so much to help in any way they can. It's truly a blessing. To that, I say thank you.  Thank you for the thoughts and the prayers, Tonya and David especially will need them in the years to come. 

I will end this post by saying this:

If you want the most out of life, live life as Brice and Brianna did. Brother Scott said it best-- people don't remember how many points your scored, how many games you won, how many times you got promoted, or how much money you made, they remember the relationships, the times you stopped to lend an ear, or a hand, or a compliment, or simply just the time you shared with someone else. Things Brice and Brianna always did. The little things really are the big things.  

Oh how I already miss them. 

Please continue to pray for Mickayla Harig. While our hearts ache for our own losses, they also ache for the Harig family, too.

Also, something that has helped Tonya and David so much is when people share special stories and memories they have with Brice and Brianna. If you have one you want to share, please do. Write it in a card or letter and send it to them.  This is something they can cherish forever. 

You can mail it to:  Dix-E-Town Lanes
                               ATTN: David and Tonya Taylor
                               4547 N Dixie Hwy
                               Elizabethtown, KY 42701

 

You can read more about Brice's sister, Brianna, here. 

To go to their memorial page, click here: 

https://www.facebook.com/pages/Forever-In-Our-Hearts-A-Tribute-To-Brice-and-Brianna-Taylor/518909131543608?ref=ts&fref=ts