Ebbs & Flows

This. This is me 5 days after starting Whole30. In case you were wondering, this isn’t a Whole30 approved food. It's in fact a sausage biscuit from McDonalds and while I really don't like those, I was desperate. 

Let’s back up a little. This week has been a week of changes. My husband started a new job, Taylor started a new ‘day’ schedule, we got rid of cable (dish), and I started a diet.

All in one week.

And this month is my 5 year cancer-versary. It was about this time this year that I heard “you have leukemia”. I was also told, without my treatment, I would only have 3-5 years to live as there is no cure for my leukemia. Thank goodness for this treatment, because here I am, 5 years later, still complaining about my leukemia. :) So if you follow my blog, then you know these past 5 years have been a struggle health wise learning how to live with it and the side effects that come with my treatment. It ebbs and flows and right now, it’s flowing. Boy is it flowing.

For the last 5 years, my life has been controlled by this pill. 

I’ve tried different ways to alleviate the side effects that are at times debilitating. The most recent is changing when I take it. It has to be on a super full stomach or I’ll get sick, and that will be all she wrote for the day. Not very convenient when you work full time and have kids. I had always taken it after dinner so if/when I did get nauseous and super fatigued, I could just try to sleep through it. But the dilemma was, some days I barely have enough energy to make it through the workday so by time I get home, I rarely don’t have the energy to cook, much less have an appetite to eat. So many nights I would just skip taking my treatment. Not only was that a bad choice for the fact that it could cause my leukemia to progress but more importantly, make my body resistant to that type of treatment. And again, without it, my time here will be much shorter than my kids need me.

So I knew I needed to try something new. I decided to start taking it after lunch. It’s my most consistent meal of the day so I know I wont’ have an excuse to skip my treatment. But now I can’t sleep through the side effects. About 30 minutes after I take it, I know I’m going to be hit by a storm of fatigue, at best. At worst, a wave of nausea will hit me so bad that I can’t move, speak, or think or I know I’ll get sick. And it’s not a ‘throw up and feel better’ kind of sick. It’s a ‘throw up every ounce of matter I have in my stomach and feel completely drained and depleted’ sick and I’m done for the day. So when it hits, I try to push through it. I know it will usually only last an hour or so and will pass. When it gets really bad, I’ll take half a Phenergan and again, try to push through it. But sometimes I have no choice but to lay down. Again, none of these things are convenient when you’re working, especially when in a meeting, such has happened many of times. That wave of nausea will hit and I’ll be surrounded by people in a meeting and while I’m smiling and nodding, I’m internally giving myself a pep talk, “don’t throw up, Dana. Don’t throw up. Stand still, don’t move. Just a few more minutes. You can do it”, as I can feel it creeping up my throat. Feeling like that is terrible enough but then also trying to hide it and not look like a weirdo? Double whammy. But this is my life.

So after this trial and error, I knew I needed to try something else. This time my focus was on my diet. While my treatment definitely comes with a host of side effects, I know my unhealthy eating habits don’t help with my energy levels. So what if I could eat food for fuel as they say, then maybe I could better manage my side effects?

I’ve been intrigued by the Whole30. Thirty days, breaking bad food habits, resetting your body, I could do this.

Yeah. Here’s how that went---

Day 1. Ate Whole30 approved foods. Took treatment. Immediately got sick. Took half a Phenergan. Went to sleep.

Day 2. Ate Whole30 approved foods. Took treatment. Immediately got sick. Took half a Phenergan. Went to sleep.

Day 3. Ate Whole30 approved foods. Took treatment. Immediately got sick. Took half a Phenergan. Went to sleep.

Day 4. Ate Whole30 approved foods, until dinner. Ate a ‘normal’ dinner. Took treatment. Immediately got sick. Took half a Phenergan. Went to sleep.

Day 5. Ate a normal breakfast (see picture above), normal lunch. Took treatment. Immediately got sick, had to give my self that pep talk because I was in a meeting. Took half a Phenergan. Left work early. Went to sleep.

The reason why I’ve been getting sick is because with Whole30, you're not supposed to eat grains, for me that means bread and crackers-- foods that I would normally eat to help absorb my treatment. But even when I snuck those in, I was still getting sick. And I can only attest that to the fact that I haven’t been eating as much as normal since my food selection is limited.

Today is day 5. And this was me after lunch, when I should have been at work. 

The whole idea behind Whole30 is by eliminating the ‘bad’ foods, I should have all of this energy. While that may be true, I’ll never know because once I take a Phenergan, it knocks me out and I’m groggy until the next day. It’s like I can’t win for losing.

So to say I’m frustrated is an understatement. I just feel defeated. 

And let me also add that I haven't had a glass of wine in over a week. 

And my husband has been the real MVP this week stepping in when I, just, can't. 

That’s where I am 5 days and 5 years later. Ebbs and flows. 

"The truth is, there is nothing easy about chronic diseases. At the best of times, they are a nuisance that we keep in mind, but at worst, they take hold of our personal and professional lives. My own career choices have at times been altered because of it. One of my biggest regrets will always be not being able to follow through on a dream because of it. So I adjust the sails, and try to compensate, and everything works out in some way, whether for the best or not. And we hold on until it retreats into the background once more. We hold on, and we hope for the better day. Because on those days, we are infinite." 

Confession: 

Since starting my treatment 5 years ago, it has really taken a toll on my hair. Some women lose their hair, some don't, I've been kinda in between. My hair is now weird-- weird texture, grows weird, only grows in some areas. As a woman, it's been the side effect that's been hard on my feminine pride. While I like short hair, it's hasn't been a choice. Until recently, while it's still weird texture and weird growing, it is growing more and my hair is longer now than it has been in years. While it still might not look the best, and thinned out in some spots, I sure am proud of it.