My Hardest Confession

Before I begin giving my insights, random thoughts, and silly stories from my daily life, I think it's important for you to understand how I got to this point in my life. Believe it or not, I haven't always had it "all together". Actually, it's quite the opposite.

 Self-discovery is something we all struggle with during our teen and early adult years. We spend most of the first part of our lives trying to figure out who the heck we are. It took me 23 years to even begin to figure that out. It may seem odd that I can narrow it down to the year, but I can...

The year I turned 18 was a big year for me. I bought my first lottery ticket, graduated high school, and got married. Me getting married was a shock to everyone, including my family. That wasn't a part of the plan. I was supposed to graduate high school, go to college, then get married, when I was older, much older. But I was ready then, or so I thought. I was in love, he joined the military, and I wanted to go with him. And that's what I did. Like most things, everything was great at first. As time passed, it got tough, real tough, and instead of fighting for it, I ran, as fast as I could, and never looked back. When I filed for divorce, I didn't tell anyone. I was ashamed. I was embarrassed. I felt like a failure. They were right. I was wrong. After I had signed the paperwork, I finally confessed to my parents. As much as they didn't want me to get married so young, they also didn't want me to give up so easily. But my mind was made up. I had already began a new life. My best friend and I got an apartment together, I found a good job, and started dating a new guy. In my mind, my marriage never even happened.

A few months after my divorce was final, I found out I was pregnant with Talon. It was at that moment my life came to a screeching halt. I had no time to process it or grasp it, before I knew it, the whole world knew. I was 20 years old. I cared about Talon's dad, but I was in no way ready for something serious. I was still running from my divorce. But I did what I was expected to do, and what I'm glad I did, I tried to make this new relationship work. It wasn't about me anymore, I was getting ready to bring a child into this world and the last thing I wanted for him was to be raised in a split family. Our relationship for the next 3 years was rocky. It came down to us basically going through the motions of a relationship because it's what was expected. I was always told it would get better.... But how could it? I still hadn't dealt with my divorce. I was still upset with myself for handing it as I did. I was still upset at myself for merely being divorced, by breaking a vow I had made to God. Furthermore, I had no clue who I was, what I stood for, what made me happy, or what I wanted out of life. I knew I loved my son, and my family, but that was really about it. How can you make someone else happy or expect someone to make you happy if you don't know what makes you happy?

 When I turned 23, Talon’s dad and I ended things. It was a very difficult decision, but I knew it's what we needed to do. I needed to take a break from life and just focus on me and Talon, and get my life together. It's what I should have done after I graduated high school. It's what I should have done after my divorce. And now that I had a child, it was now something I had to do. This wasn't something I had just decided overnight. It was something I had thought about for a while. And it was one of the hardest decisions I've ever had to make, and that's because it was affecting more than just me. Talon's father is a wonderful person, and a wonderful father, and I can prove this because he put up with me while I was going through one of the most difficult times in my life, but there was just something missing. I grew up with both of my parents being in the same household and I can't imagine what it would be like otherwise. I never wanted Talon to not have that. But I also didn't want him to grow up with two parents who just went through the motions of being a "family".

After the breakup, I still wasn't sure where to go from there. But I knew where I didn't want to go: I knew I did not want to jump into another relationship. In effort to keep my mind off of being single, and lonely (which after being with someone for the last 5 years I definitely was), I did whatever I could to keep myself busy. I enrolled myself back into school full time. I still had no clue what I wanted to do but just started taking classes. On top of that, I began volunteering. My first experience was at our local meal kitchen, then with our local food bank, and then I became a Big Sister with Big Brothers and Big Sisters. Between work, school, volunteering, my family, and being a mom, I had no time to think about a serious relationship, which was the best decision I could have made. I just focused on me and Talon. As a result, I found out what my passions were. I figured out what I wanted to be when I grew up. I also I became more confident in me and the decisions I was making. I finally knew who I was, and for the first time in a long time, I was happy with that person. I finally found myself.

Don’t get me wrong, everything just didn't fall into place and was perfect when I started my new life as a single mom. First, it was just a struggle to be alone. I have an amazingly supportive family, but there's just something about having that special person to lean on, and tell you everything is going to be okay. I didn't have that. I don’t have that. I had to be that person for myself. I had to learn to depend on myself for everything because I had a child who is also depending on me for everything. Second, anyone who is not with the other parent of their child knows how difficult it can be. The first year was living hell. We were both still young, hurt, and defensive. Furthermore, it was hard having to share our time with Talon. Lucky for Talon, he has a father who loves him and wants to be with him just as much as I do. This situation was new to us and we had a lot to work out. ALOT. And it was hard. BUT, after 3 years, I can honestly say we maintain a good relationship. Yes we still have our arguments and there are times I want to punch him, and I'm sure he can say the same for me, but at the end of the day, we realize we still have to work together to raise Talon together, and we do just that.


Now here I am, 26, still single, trying to survive the 'dating scene', raising an amazing little 5 year old, with a career, almost finished with two Bachelors, a homeowner, an advocate , super close with my family, at peace with my divorce and decisions I’ve made, completely confident in who I am, living life with the biggest sense of clarity, and absolutely loving the life God has given me. I’m pretty sure I took the longest, most difficult road to self-discovery that anyone could ever take, and unfortunately I hurt a lot of people along the way, but I made it. Thank you sweet baby Jesus I made it. It would be easy for me to say I wish I would have done it differently, but I don’t, and there is only one reason why: Had I not of taken this path, I may not of ever had Talon. Talon is my life, he’s my world. He gives me drive, he gives me purpose, it’s because of him, I know what love is.  I know I still have a lot to learn, and I’m sure I’ll make myself learn the hard way, but I finally feel I’m becoming the person God intended for me to be. I have a third chance to finally get it right, and by George that’s what I’m going to do!

So you may be wondering, how can someone just lay out their life like that to the world? That my friends, is an easy answer.  I’m okay with sharing my failures because not only have I learned from those failures, but I’m also confident in saying that I’m not that person anymore. I think it’s a part of the growing process. Not literally of course, my physical growth took no time. One of the biggest lessons I’ve learned in life is to be open and honest. Like the great Dr. Seuss says, be who you are and say how you feel… It’s what I do.

Well now that we've covered that, it’s time to start talking about the fun stuff. :)