Moments of Impact

This day last year, I was having a bit of a pity party about the fact that I hadn’t seen Talon a lot lately because he was on summer break from school, I still had to work, so he was spending a lot of time with family.

Little did I know that later I would learn just how unworthy of a complaint that really was. You see, because hours later, I would be reminded how fortunate I am to have a son to complain about not seeing as often as I’d like because there are some parents who don’t have the luxury of seeing their children at all. 

Some of those parents would become my aunt and uncle.

There’s some quotes from the movie/book, The Vow, that have just stayed with me ever since that night.  

“My theory is about moments, moments of impact. My theory is that these flashes of high intensity that completely turn our lives upside down actually end of defining who are. The thing is, each one of us is the sum total of every moment that we’ve ever experience.”

“The moment of impact proves potential for change, has ripples effects far beyond what we can predict..”

'That’s the thing about moments like these. You can’t, no matter how hard you try, control how it’s going to affect you. You just got to let the colliding parts go where they may. And wait, for the next collision.”

June 22, 2014 was one of those moments. I can still remember that night as vividly as I can remember this morning. The phone call I received from my mother telling me Brianna had been in a wreck and was being flown to UofL hospital,  that it was bad, that her liver was damaged and they couldn’t stop the bleeding. I remember getting to the hospital and being with my family in the second floor waiting room just waiting, and praying, and hoping, and wishing, and still had hope that she was going to pull through and be okay. Then moments later, a nurse would come to the waiting room very frantically and tell us to ‘get back there now!’ I remember her mom, my Aunt Tonya, crying out, “Please don’t take my baby, God!” I remember my sister and I walking and then crawling down that desolate hallway because we already knew what was to come, and the pain that we were already baring made it too difficult to walk. I remember when we finally made it to Brianna, she was lying in a hospital bed, lifeless, surrounded by doctors and nurses pushing and pushing on her chest trying to get her heart to beat again. I remember seeing her dad, David, by her side, kneeling, yelling ‘fight baby girl, fight!” I remember seeing her brother, Brice, stand behind David in shock, in disbelief, and in true heartbreak for what he was witnessing. I remember one of the doctors coming up to my sister and I and saying, ‘she’s gone”. I remember I almost passed out from hyperventilating from crying and pain because I had never witnessed such tragedy.  The scene was surreal. It was chaos. It felt like it was in slow motion, like I was inside of someone else’s’ body. It felt like a nightmare. It was a nightmare.

That moment is a moment I will never forget. It's a moment that I think about every single day. That was a moment of impact, and it was a moment that would have ripple effects far beyond what we could predict...

It's fair to say the ripple effects have also been life changing. Some of those ripple effects, one in particular, was just as tragic, unfair, and heartbreaking and still doesn’t feel real. But as crazy as it may sound, some other of those ripple effects have been truly amazing. To see a community come together for two family's in pain, to be there to support them, to rally behind a law that needs to be changed to hopefully prevent at least one family from having to endure such an unimaginable pain and heartache, to see so many people’s faiths become stronger, to watch a young girl, Mickayla, who was also involved in the wreck, beat all odds and continue to recover and inspire many, to get to know her wonderful family, being able to witness two parents who would embrace the mother of the man who took the life of their child, because they can empathize with the pain she is feeling,  two parents who have lost so much, still stand and continue to be an example to so many those are some pretty amazing ripple effects that I’m blessed to be in the wake of. 

The Dance

Ahhh normalcy, it's something that I long for, yearn for, and miss. And yet it's something that I don't know if I'm quite ready for. Normalcy for me (and my family) won't be the normal that we were accustomed to. We have to create a new normal. And man is it going to be tough. 

It's been about three weeks since Brianna left us, and about a week and a half since Brice. If you read my last post, then you got a glimpse of what myself and family were (are) going through. I'd be lying if I said we have accepted it and moved on. I think we are starting to accept it, but moving on has been the hard part. Where do you begin?

For the past three weeks, we've been at the hospital, at a church, with family, and grieving. Our normal lives had stopped and that became our new normal. Now that both of my sweet cousins have been laid to rest, we have to attempt to get back into our normal routine and move on with our lives. The thing is, our lives are forever changed. This week has been my first full week back to work, back to grocery shopping, back to running errands, back to cooking, back to my 'normal' routine. I used to find joy in my day to day happenings but now, not so much. I'm going through the motions but it's just not the same.  It's still being overshadowed by the sadness I feel for myself, my family, and for my aunt and uncle. 

Work has actually been my only saving grace. It's the one time that I can keep my mind busy enough to not think about the tragedies that just happened. But as soon as I leave work and get in the car, I breakdown.  By the time I get home, I'm too sad to do anything productive and usually spend the evening talking about Brice and Brianna, reading articles about them, looking at their pictures, thinking about old memories, and reading all the sweet comments everyone has left them, and crying. 

Before all of this happened, I had been working on home improvement projects, wedding planning, and had a lot of happy blog posts in the works. But now, it's like it doesn't even matter. It's hard to find joy in those things.

Then I think about my struggle, and how it doesn't even compare to what my aunt and uncle are going through. 

But then I'm reminded about how lucky I (we) are to have loved someone (two someones in this case) so much that it hurts this bad to lose them. 

It's like a wise man once said:

And now I'm glad I didn't know,
The way it all would end the way it all would go.
Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain,
But I'd have had to miss the dance.

Okay so maybe that was Garth Brooks but I'm trying here people.  :)

And I know this is normal, and this is going to take time, but I don't want to be this sad person, I don't want to blog only about sad things, I want to be happy again. I want all of my family to be happy again. And I know it will happen. 

It's just going to take some time.

 "Time waits for no man. Time heals all wounds. All any of us can wants, is more time. Time to stand up. Time to grow up. Time to let go."

A Raw Confession

Growing up, 4th of July was spent at my aunt and uncle, Tonya and David's house. Their house was one of many that semi-circled a couple of the holes on the Pine Valley Golf Course. It was a perfect set up for setting off fireworks. And that's what they did, year after year. It wasn't just a family affair, it was a community affair. Everyone in the area would bring their favorite dish and their lawn chair, hang out with family and friends, and wait for dusk to fall so the fireworks show could begin. It was something I looked forward to every year. This tradition began when Brice and Brianna were itty bitty, during the time when you could let your children run around the neighborhood and the only thing you had to worry about was the occasional scraped knee or bump on the head from well, just being kids. And I can still see both of them running around with all of their little friends, laughing and playing. Just before the fireworks began, I could almost always count on talking one of them into letting me hold them because even though they loved fireworks, like most kids, the loud sound left them feeling a little uneasy. And I loved being able to make them feel safe, and protected. 

 

 Oh what I would give to still be able to protect them.

This 4th of July was a lot different.  This 4th of July was spent at the hospital. As we were making our way home that evening, people all over began lighting fireworks. I laid my head against the car window and as I watched firework after firework go off, I couldn't help but think about all of the families that were together, spending time together, laughing, playing, and just enjoying life, just as we used to.  Instead, my family was not only mourning the loss of my cousin, Brianna, we had also just said our final goodbyes to her brother, Brice. I wasn't just sad, I was bitter.

I haven't had much to say these past few days. I've been overwhelmed with so many feelings. Never in my life have I felt this type of anger, or hurt, or pain, or sadness, or bitterness that I have felt these past few days.  I'm not mad at God, I know he didn't do this. I'm mad at the situation, I'm mad at life, and I'm mad there is nothing I can do to change this. My heart hurts so incredibly bad, especially for my aunt and uncle, Tonya and David. What they have had to endure these last couple of weeks is unimaginable and so not fair. Someone I know put it perfectly when they said that if someone were to make a movie about what my aunt and uncle have experienced these past two weeks, people would say it's too farfetched and completely unrealistic because something like that could never possibly happen. It just doesn't seem real.  But it is. 

When my cousin Brianna passed, I was mad, and completely heartbroken.  To lose such a sweet girl with her whole life ahead of her, was heartbreaking. The day after her funeral, the entire Taylor family spent the evening together, eating, sharing funny stories, and released lanterns in memory of Brianna. It was such an emotional moment but so special. By the end of the night, I think we all left with a sense of peace. We all realized our lives would never be the same and we would all miss Brianna so so much, but we knew we could get through this, together. And I think Tonya and David felt the same. And part of the reason that they felt that way was because of Brice. Brice had been their rock those past couple of days. Though he was hurting so incredibly bad for the loss of his best friend, his sister, he did his best to stay positive and took it upon himself to do whatever he needed to help his parents (and quite frankly the rest of the family) get through this. Even at Brianna's visitation, when we were all so sad, he pulled up a video Brianna took on his phone a while back that he knew would make us laugh, and it did. It was exactly what we needed in that moment. 

I think it's something we were all thankful for, that Tonya and David had Brice. The strength that the three of them displayed together, along with their continued commitment to their faith helped all of us. 

But then the following Monday happened. 

I received a phone call from my mom. " Brice has been in an ATV wreck. A deer ran out in front of him, he hit it, was airlifted to UL Hospital, has had two brain surgeries and now we are just waiting." 

What?! At first, all I could do was just sit there in shock. How is this real?  Just days after my aunt and uncle buried their daughter, their son is now fighting for his life? It just didn't seem possible. 

And then as I learned more details of the situation, my heart shattered. Brice and his parents had just left a small memorial for Brianna at their neighbors house. It was the one week anniversary of her wreck. Since it was in close proximity to where Tonya and David live, they just took their ATVs. Brice on one, Tonya and David on the other.  As they were passing the church where they had the funeral for Brianna just days ago, my uncle spotted a deer off the road and frantically yelled at Brice trying to get his attention. But it was too loud, and too late. His parents witnessed the entire wreck.

Can you imagine? I can't. 

When we first went to the hospital to see him, I left with a false sense of hope. First, he looked so good, just like Brice, only sleeping. Secondly,  even though we were told how critical his condition was, I couldn't make myself believe that he might not make it. I mean, we just lost his sister. There is no way possible we are going to lose him too. That just can't happen. We need him, Tonya and David need him. 

Like Brianna, Brice was an amazing person, and I admired so many things about him. 

1. He was the person you always wanted to be around. We could always count on Brice to lighten even the most intense situations and conversations, which happens often with the Taylor bunch, especially when you talk sports or politics. We could also always count on him to crack a joke, which was usually in the form of poking fun of my dad or his parents, which we thoroughly enjoyed. 

2. He was a family man, and so protective of all of us. He always made sure everyone was included, that we didn't feel like we were missing out, and made sure everyone had a good time. 

3. He was the best big brother. His dad, David, often said that Brice was harder on Brianna than David was. It's because he loved her so much, and wanted the best for her. Most siblings that age want very little to do with each other, but they were always together. They were best friends. 

4. He was his dad's sidekick. I loved the days when I would be out in town and would pass David in his truck and see Brice tagging along in the passenger seat. As a parent, I know how much that meant to David.

  

5. He was the son my dad never had. My dad was blessed with three girls, poor guy. He tried his hardest to turn me into a tom boy but that lasted only a few years. As Brice got older, he and my dad spent more time together doing "guy stuff". You know, shooting guns, hanging out at the property, and doing whatever guys do. I was always so thankful my dad had Brice. And so thankful Brice made time for him. 

That's the thing with Brice, he wasn't like most 20 year olds. He had his friends, but enjoyed hanging out with his family just as much. 

As the days passed, Brice's condition continued to get worse, and then reality sank in- Brice isn't coming home. My shock turned into sadness, which made me angry, and bitter. 

Bitterness is a feeling I don't think I have ever felt before. I've always been a glass half full kinda girl, always seeing the good in even the worst situation and always happy for others. But boy was it hard this time.  The happiness was sucked right out of all of us. I didn't want to be around anyone or anything happy because happy wasn't a feeling I or any of us have been feeling, and it's still hard.  I became bitter when I would overhear people have conversations about day to day life, funny things that had happened, and getting aggravated over petty things.  I've had to refrain from scrolling through my FB news feed because it would make me so bitter seeing statuses and pictures of people being happy and having fun. How can you have fun at a time like this? How can you be happy?  

Everyone else's life had continued on and ours had stopped. Or at least that's how I felt. And I say these things not to make anyone feel bad for enjoying their life, because that's exactly what you should be doing. It's what we all should be doing. I say these things to show how such a tragedy can temporarily change you.  

I don't want to be bitter, I don't want to be jealous of someone else's happiness, I long to post pictures and FB statuses of happiness, I long to complain about petty things, I long to be with my family during a happy time, having fun. And I know these are selfish and ungrateful things to say because I know I should be thankful for the time we did have with Brice and Brianna, for God blessing Tonya and David with two wonderful children in the first place, and that I still have so many things in my life to be happy about and thankful for but it's all being overshadowed  by the tragic losses of both of my cousins. And then I think, this is just how I feel. I can't even begin to imagine how Tonya and David feel. How are they standing? How are they functioning? How are they even breathing? 

But they are, and they have continued to stay strong in their faith. They are the ones who have suffered the most, who feel the most pain, the most heartache, the most sadness, whose lives will forever be changed, and they are still the ones that have given us strength, because even though it's so incredibly difficult, they are still standing, they are still functioning, they are still breathing. They are the epitome of the quote, "You never know how strong you are, until being strong is your only choice." They are our rock. Because if they can get through this, then anyone can get through this.  And I know they are going to get through this. In time, we all will. 

And once we wash away the sad and heartache, we can begin celebrating the lives of Brice and Brianna Taylor, and there is so much to celebrate.   

*Brice and Brianna were both organ donors. Three of Brice's organs were immediately matched to three people whose lives depended on it. Through the loss of their lives, other lives will be saved. 

*Both Brice and Brianna had a personal relationship with God. I have no doubt that they are together, in Heaven, and that is such a comforting feeling. Because of their faith and the continued faith of their parents and family, I also feel that more people will come to know Jesus through them, and more lives will be saved.   

*And we can celebrate the time we did have with them. I for one wanted more time, but I'm thankful for the time I did have. I'm thankful for the memories, the funny stories, the love they showed my son, and that we got to share our lives with them.  The joy they have given me is something I will always cherish. 

*And the impact, the impact that they both had on so many people, I know that makes Tonya and David so proud, it makes me proud too. They didn't have much time here with us on Earth but boy did they leave their marks. This community is forever changed because of Brice and Brianna, and that's something to be proud of. 

 I have no doubt that it's faith, and support from family and friends that have helped Tonya and David through this tragic time, and they are going to continue to need it. The amount of community support our families have received is so humbling. What an amazing town we live in for everyone to rally behind two, heartbroken parents, and doing so much to help in any way they can. It's truly a blessing. To that, I say thank you.  Thank you for the thoughts and the prayers, Tonya and David especially will need them in the years to come. 

I will end this post by saying this:

If you want the most out of life, live life as Brice and Brianna did. Brother Scott said it best-- people don't remember how many points your scored, how many games you won, how many times you got promoted, or how much money you made, they remember the relationships, the times you stopped to lend an ear, or a hand, or a compliment, or simply just the time you shared with someone else. Things Brice and Brianna always did. The little things really are the big things.  

Oh how I already miss them. 

Please continue to pray for Mickayla Harig. While our hearts ache for our own losses, they also ache for the Harig family, too.

Also, something that has helped Tonya and David so much is when people share special stories and memories they have with Brice and Brianna. If you have one you want to share, please do. Write it in a card or letter and send it to them.  This is something they can cherish forever. 

You can mail it to:  Dix-E-Town Lanes
                               ATTN: David and Tonya Taylor
                               4547 N Dixie Hwy
                               Elizabethtown, KY 42701

 

You can read more about Brice's sister, Brianna, here. 

To go to their memorial page, click here: 

https://www.facebook.com/pages/Forever-In-Our-Hearts-A-Tribute-To-Brice-and-Brianna-Taylor/518909131543608?ref=ts&fref=ts

Faith, Family, Friends

These past few days have been tough. As I try to get back to some type of normalcy,  I'll find myself randomly crying. This morning was no different. And during my breakdown this morning, I thought to myself, "why am I crying?"  I mean, I do know why I'm not crying. I'm not crying for myself. As I've said before,  I feel so completely blessed that God put Brianna in my life. I actually remember the day she was born. I remember everyone gathering around her and giving all of their attention to this sweet and tiny new addition to our family and her oh so cute big brother was getting none. I remember holding her older brother, Brice, who was barely a toddler and saying to him, "don't worry Brice, I'll make sure you always get lots of attention from me." And as she grew older, she sucked me right in, too. Sorry Brice. :)  They were both so special (and still are) to me. They were my  baby cousins and I have loved watching them grow up. They were the first to show me that life truly flashes before your eyes. When they got their drivers licenses, I couldn't believe they were already that old. When they graduated high school, I couldn't believe they were already that old. Days before Brianna's graduation party, I went through some old pictures and came across one of me holding her when she was around the age of 3. We were in Disney World. In my mind, that's the age she should still be. She's not supposed to be 1/2 an inch taller than me and getting ready to head off to college. She's supposed to be this tiny little girl that I can still carry on my hip. 

At Brianna's graduation party, TJ (my fiance) saw her softball pictures and said to me, "why have you been hiding this stud softball player from me and my coed softball team?!" Before we left the party, he already recruited her on his team. The first game she played with his team, the mother in me felt like I needed to be there to make her feel comfortable as she probably wouldn't know anyone on this team because everyone was so much older. We met her in the parking lot, walked to the field together, she began warming up and instantly fit right in. She didn't need me. Her first at bat, she cranked the ball into the outfield. All of her teammates looked at TJ and said, "where have you been hiding her?!" I was so proud, so so proud of her. But that was nothing new, I've always been so proud of her (and her brother) and the young adults they have become. "Proud" is really an understatement actually.  She represented the Taylor name so well, and probably even raised the bar.  I feel so honored that God decided to put them both in my family. So I'm not crying for myself. It would be selfish and ungrateful of me to be sad that I don't get any more time with her and get to make any more memories with her. The time I've had with her is more time than many people got to spend with her and more time than many people get to spend with anyone as loving, kind, and full of life.

When I cry, I cry for the selfishness of others. Brianna's life was taken because of a selfish decision made by someone else. I know we all make mistakes. But when those mistakes are made repeatedly and affect the lives of others, I'm not okay with that. 

When I cry, I cry because I know one day, I'll have to let Talon go off on his own into this crazy world and can't be there to protect him every step of the way. With Talon getting older and his dad and I not being together, I get a taste of what this feels like. Just this past weekend Talon went camping and boating with his dad and even though I know his dad is a great dad and would never put his son in harm's way, I couldn't help but worry. What if he goes too deep in the water? What if he falls off the boat and his life jacket isn't on tight enough? What if something goes wrong? And I know this is only going to get worse as he gets older. It's an unsettling feeling know that no matter what we do or say, we can't protect our children from everything. 

I cry because even I take life for granted. Me, the girl whose living with cancer, takes life for granted. When I was diagnosed with cancer, knowing that tomorrow isn't promised became a little more real to me. But my tomorrow's continue and that fear began to fade. It wasn't until the loss of my baby cousin that it finally sank in. We all see in the news every single day about a person dying in a car wreck. We all think 'how tragic' then move on with our lives.  We know that person could one day be someone we know and love but never do we really believe it, until it is.

 

But most importantly, I cry for my aunt, uncle, and cousin.  I have a handful of very close, best friends. But my relationship with them doesn't compare to my relationship with my sisters. They are my comfort and stability. Brice's relationship with Brianna was no different. And as a parent, too often I think about what it would be like to lose a child. When I hear a story of a parent losing a child, I couldn't ever figure out how they make it through and continue on with life. The strength it must take, I don't think I could possess. My life didn't begin until I had Talon and I feel most certain it would end without him. How do parents do it? Things will never be the same, they will never be normal, and there will always be a piece of them missing.

But through all of this, I have been able to find some peace and comfort. 

I find comfort in knowing that Brianna is in Heaven. When some people pass, you feel kind iffy about that. Not with Brianna. She confessed her life to our Lord and Savior years back and has led a life of selflessness and love to all. God doesn't make them much better than Brianna. 

And believe it or not, I have also found peace through Brianna's parents, my aunt and uncle. In the midst of their pain, the strength they have displayed these past couple of days have been unreal. Yesterday after the funeral, Brianna's dad gathered all of the family around for a little speech. He started off by thanking God for blessing him. This guy, the guy whose daughter was taken from him at such a young age by a selfless act of another still praises God for how blessed he is? What strength. He continued on to talk about marrying his wife, having his first born, then his second, how God blessed him more than he could ever imagine. He is so thankful for all of them and for all of the time, love, and memories he has had with them. While it could be so easy for he and my aunt (or anyone) to be mad at God, they aren't. What strength. He continued on to say that the reason why they have been able to make it through these past couple of days is because of his friends and family and all of the support they have shown. What has offered some peace is seeing the impact his daughter has had by the thousands of people who have shared their love and stories of Brianna with them. Because of that, I want to say thank you to everyone who stopped by the church, attended the funeral, or sent a text/email/FB message. I'm going to print everything that was sent to me to give to them so they can always be reminded of how many loved and were impacted by Brianna. 

What has probably offered the most comfort to us all is knowing that Brianna's life wasn't lost in vain. At the end of the wonderful sermon during Brianna's funeral, Brother Scott invited anyone who wanted to begin the conversation about beginning a relationship with Jesus Christ and being saved, like Brianna was, to come up and they would begin that conversation. Several people did. So through the loss of Brianna's life, another life will be saved. How amazing.

So how does a parent make it through the loss of their child? Through faith, family, and friends-- all of which Brianna's parents most definitely have.

I know the days, weeks, and years to come are going to be so so hard for my aunt, uncle, and cousin. Because of that, I ask that you please continue to pray for strength, peace and comfort for them. I also ask that you continue to pray for the full recovery of Brianna's friend, Mickayla, who was in the car with her at the time of the wreck.