Work-Life-Baseball Balance

The other day I thought to myself--  "hey, I'm doing better with not working at nights and weekends as much and learning how to disconnect from work" . Which is partially true. I’ve one been bringing my laptop home a couple nights a week which is a big change from the every night but when I thought about why,  the reason wasn’t as exciting as I thought it would be—It’s only because I don't have time.

There are days I have to leave work early to pick Talon up from wherever he is then drop him off at the ballpark by 5:00pm for a game. He has to be there an hour before the game starts so even though I have an hour to kill, there is no sense of my wasting 30 mins to commute to and from home so I just stay at ballpark. There are nights we don’t leave the ballpark until after 10pm. I even once pulled Talon from a scrimmage early because we didn't get him till almost midnight the night before, he had been at the ballpark for 5 hours straight already, We were tired, hungry because we hadn’t ate, I needed to wash the sweat off me and restart the washing machine for the third time in hopes I'll have time to get the clothes to the dryer this time.

Only do it all over again-- another scrimmage, then leaving work early to play 3 days in Indiana or 3 days in Louisville because they schedule a game at 3:30pm on a Friday. Don’t these schedulers know we have jobs!

I work less from home only because I don't have as much time. Often times I'll work in my car while waiting for the game to start or during practice to save time (thank goodness for iphone hotspots). My job is demanding. I love it but it's demanding, and if you get behind, it's so hard to get caught up.

I absolutely love what I do. But when you try to do all of that and keep up with a mini major leaguer, make time for your husband, house, and rest of your family, AND sleep, it’s tough.

And let’s talk about the food situation. Do you know how hard it is to cook dinner when you are at work all day and at the ballpark most nights of the week? I’ve had enough burgers, hot dogs, and fast food to last a lifetime. I once resorted to ordering Ginza at 9:30pm at night just so I wouldn't have to eat another hot dog. 

Oh but then there’s the part where I'm a newlywed and we are trying to have a baby. That in itself can be stressful on a relationship. But trying to get pregnant in a small time frame with health issues and constantly having to decide if we should keep trying or wait – even more stressful.

I haven't gone to church in months because if we aren't at ballpark, those rare Sunday's we have off I want to be lazy, not shower, and lay by pool since that rarely happens. We finally made it last Sunday and had a joking conversation with our minister ‘reintroducing ourselves’ because it felt like it had been that long. I explained to him why we hadn’t been to church in MONTHS with the promise that after this next weekend, baseball is over and we’ll be back for good.

WRONG! Turns out the first tournament for fall ball will be the second weekend of August. We get one weekend off. One. Talon has been playing since January. Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely love watching him play ball. And he absolutely loves playing ball. There is no place I’d rather be than watching him on the field doing what he loves, but trying to create a work-life-baseball balance is tough.

But I’m learning. I’m learning that my house can’t always be clean. That I can’t always get laundry done in one day. If I don’t want to eat burgers, hotdogs, and fast food then I have to plan ahead. That maybe I just have to be okay with watching our church sermons online for now. That if a baby doesn't happen right away and we have to wait until next year to try again, then that's okay. That if I want to enjoy everything in my life, I have to be flexible. That at the end of the day, if everything I wanted to get done doesn't get done, so long as I'm spending that time on the relationships in my life, that's all that really matters. 

These are some of the best days of mine and Talon's lives, and though sometimes they are long, overwhelming, and so completely exhausting, one day they'll be gone, so I'm going to enjoy every minute of it.

An Ovulation Test & A Bottle Of Wine

(As you can tell by the title of this post, readers beware. This post does contain TMI so if you are weirded out easily, you may want to stop reading now. :) )

An ovulation test and a bottle of wine---

That's what I had in each of my hands when I was at Walgreens the other day. If you hadn't guessed it by my last blog post then now you know-- we are trying to have a baby. And because time is of the essence, trying to make it happen as soon as possible is the reason for the ovulation test. And paying $65 for said test is the reason for the wine. That and the fact that it's been a couple of months and it hasn't happened yet.

And I wish you could have seen the face of the guy at the register when I went to check out. 

Welcome to my world, buddy. 

Having more kids is something TJ and I have been talking about for some time. It's something that a lot of married couples think about. It's an exciting thing to think about. But for me and Teej, it's an exciting thought that also comes with risk. Risk we've thought about, researched, and decided to take.

If you were to ask a doctor, including my doctor, if they would recommend that I to have more kids, their answer would be no. That's because in order for me to have a child, I have to stop taking the medicine that keeps me alive. A medicine that if I did not take, my life expectancy would be 3-5 years.  This medication works by killing the 'bad blood cells' and it works great but the downfall is, it causes birth defects. Therefore, there is no way I could keep taking it while trying to conceive. So that means I have to stop taking it. The risk-- that my leukemia will progress.

My doctors recommendation is 'no'. But knowing that I really want kids (as do many younger women with CML), his next recommendation was to wait until my leukemia was basically 'more under control than what it is'. In simple terms-- the goal of treatment is for 0% of your blood cells to be leukemic. This means that the treatment is killing all of the 'bad cells'. I was once at 0% but have been over 0% but less than 1% for several months. Seems minor, but in the grand scheme of things, it means that something still isn't quite right. But the thing is, most people never reach 0%. I may never reach 0% again. And if I keep waiting until that day, that day may never come. So I decided I'm not waiting. 

That wasn't a decision that was made lightly. I've done research, lots and lots of research. I am part of a women's CML support group and even asked for their experiences, the ones who have had children. All of them have great stories. I'm not naive in knowing that there are some who haven't had that happy ending, those who aren't alive to share their story. Unfortunately that's a sad reality. But that's a chance I'm okay to take. And here's why--

I've been off my meds for two months. I recently had a blood test and my numbers haven't increased much. That's a good sign. If during this process they do begin to increase to a concerning level, once I'm far enough along, there is a form of treatment I can take that would be safe to the baby, it would just make me really sick. That's a fair trade off. Heck, I was sick almost my entire pregnancy with Talon, not like it would be anything new. Now I get tested every 3 months, once I'm pregnant I'll be tested more often to monitor the progression. But that's the good thing about this type of leukemia. It's chronic, which means it's 'slow growing' therefore, nothing crazy SHOULD happen over night. If something does happen, I feel like I will have time and options. At least that's what I'm hoping for.

Actually, I'm hoping for a non-eventful pregnancy. Some women with CML have had those. Their CML didn't progress at all. Now while I'd like that to happen, I'm not holding my breath. I'm preparing for it to progress a little, but hopeful not to a point where it's a concern.

Actually actually, I'm just hoping for a pregnancy. The longer I'm off my meds, the more at risk I put myself. When deciding to try, TJ and I decided that we'd only try for a certain amount of time. If it doesn't happen soon, then I'll go back on my medications then try again at a later date. In all honestly, I'm not real comfortable being off my medication for more than a year. That gives us 3 months to make that happen. That's a lot of pressure. And because of that, I've tried to just let it be. If it's supposed to happen it will, if not, then I can't be upset because God has already blessed me with the most amazing 8 year old. He is enough. Anything else will just be a bonus. 

Whether it happens or not, I plan on documenting the process. Not for the sake of me, but for the sake of any other woman living with CML who one day want children. I hope my story will be one of those happy stories.

I hope. :)

You can follow my entire CML journey from the beginning here. 

The Grass Ain't Always Greener

This was my Time Hop today---

Now you may be thinking, “So what, looks like some random pictures of you hanging out with your son and nephew three years ago”.

Well, you’re right, that’s what those pictures are of. Talon wanted to have a sleepover so in true Mom/Aunt Dana fashion, I had the whole day planned—we went to Target, had dinner at Moe’s, walked over to the neighborhood firework spot, hung out outside alllllll night, then lit some fireworks (on a night that I’m pretty sure was a no fire-work night because of a recent drought but that’s beside the point). It was a fun night. It was a busy night. We didn’t stop until we went to bed, probably around midnight. It would be the last full night I’d ever have like that because the next morning, I would end up in the ER having my appendix removed, and hospitalized for the days following while the doctors tried to figure out what else was wrong with me—that I had cancer, Chronic Mylogeneous Leukemia, something I'd have for the rest of my hopefully very long life.

That was the last night I felt like me. It was the last time I could go non-stop all day long and never get tired. It was the last night I could eat whatever I wanted and not have to worry about how it would react with my body. It was the last night I wouldn’t have to drink water all day to ensure I didn’t get dehydrated. It was the last night that I felt ‘good’.

Since about two weeks after that night, I’ve been taking 9-12 pills daily. 4 of those pills are treatment—they control the leukemia. The others help with the side effects of those 4 pills.  If you’ve followed my journey than you know the side effects that come along with those medications—nausea, vomiting, extreme fatigue, bone pain, hair thinning, headaches, more nausea and fatigue, dehydration, food sensitivities and intolerances, and just overall not feeling good. And that’s been every day since. You can read more here. 

But for the last almost 2 months, I haven’t been taking any of my medications-- none, nada, zilch. And boy have I noticed a change. I’ve always assumed my sickness was coming from the side effects of the medications I was having to take to stay alive. In these last 2 months, I’ve really been able to tell just how much it has affected me.

My hair is thicker, I’m no longer nauseous, I’m not as sensitive or as intolerant to as many foods/drinks, I no longer have to revolve my day around making sure I prepare/eat a big enough meal at a certain time to prevent myself from later having to throw up and be miserable for the rest of the night. I’ve just felt better.

But here’s what I wasn’t expecting—even without taking those medications that constantly made me sick, I’m still don’t feel 100%. In my mind, it was always the meds that was making me sick and not the cancer and in those moments when I felt my worst, I always questioned whether quantity of life was more important than quality. Yes my meds keep me alive but if you can’t enjoy life is it worth it? Maybe I’d be better off not taking anything? But the cold hard truth I realized while being off my meds for the last couple of months—though the medications are a big blame, the cancer is to blame, too. Even though I do feel much better, I still battle with constant fatigue and dehydration. I can still barely get through a work day without having to lay down and rest. I still don’t have energy to swim or play bad mitten with Talon after work until after I take a nap. I still can’t get through a day at the baseball park without having to come home and lay down. I’m still just as, if not more, exhausted than ever before. And. It. Is. Frustrating. So frustrating, to the point where I’ve broke down and cried so many times. I just want to have energy. I just want to be able to do the normal things a normal person can do in a normal day. I just want to be able to do the things my son wants me to do without having to constantly explain to him why I have to rest.

That’s one thing I was looking forward to when I stopped taking my medications. I thought I would feel like me again, like the me that's pictured above. But what I’ve realized, that ‘me’ is long gone. I’ve realized the fatigue wasn’t just from my meds ‘killing the bad cells’ like I had always thought, but it’s also because the leukemia keeps me from having enough ‘good, healthy cells’. The ones you need to have energy. It’s because I’m not healthy, because I am sick.

Turns out, the grass isn't always greener on the other side. And while this might seem like a complaint or a pity party, I assure you it's not. I think maybe it's what I needed to help me accept that this is the new me, and there is not changing that, so I just have to deal with it. 

Confession:

Now you are probably wondering why I stopped taking my medicines. Well, my friends, that’s for another blog post for another day. 

 Don’t you love the suspense? :)

Moments of Impact

This day last year, I was having a bit of a pity party about the fact that I hadn’t seen Talon a lot lately because he was on summer break from school, I still had to work, so he was spending a lot of time with family.

Little did I know that later I would learn just how unworthy of a complaint that really was. You see, because hours later, I would be reminded how fortunate I am to have a son to complain about not seeing as often as I’d like because there are some parents who don’t have the luxury of seeing their children at all. 

Some of those parents would become my aunt and uncle.

There’s some quotes from the movie/book, The Vow, that have just stayed with me ever since that night.  

“My theory is about moments, moments of impact. My theory is that these flashes of high intensity that completely turn our lives upside down actually end of defining who are. The thing is, each one of us is the sum total of every moment that we’ve ever experience.”

“The moment of impact proves potential for change, has ripples effects far beyond what we can predict..”

'That’s the thing about moments like these. You can’t, no matter how hard you try, control how it’s going to affect you. You just got to let the colliding parts go where they may. And wait, for the next collision.”

June 22, 2014 was one of those moments. I can still remember that night as vividly as I can remember this morning. The phone call I received from my mother telling me Brianna had been in a wreck and was being flown to UofL hospital,  that it was bad, that her liver was damaged and they couldn’t stop the bleeding. I remember getting to the hospital and being with my family in the second floor waiting room just waiting, and praying, and hoping, and wishing, and still had hope that she was going to pull through and be okay. Then moments later, a nurse would come to the waiting room very frantically and tell us to ‘get back there now!’ I remember her mom, my Aunt Tonya, crying out, “Please don’t take my baby, God!” I remember my sister and I walking and then crawling down that desolate hallway because we already knew what was to come, and the pain that we were already baring made it too difficult to walk. I remember when we finally made it to Brianna, she was lying in a hospital bed, lifeless, surrounded by doctors and nurses pushing and pushing on her chest trying to get her heart to beat again. I remember seeing her dad, David, by her side, kneeling, yelling ‘fight baby girl, fight!” I remember seeing her brother, Brice, stand behind David in shock, in disbelief, and in true heartbreak for what he was witnessing. I remember one of the doctors coming up to my sister and I and saying, ‘she’s gone”. I remember I almost passed out from hyperventilating from crying and pain because I had never witnessed such tragedy.  The scene was surreal. It was chaos. It felt like it was in slow motion, like I was inside of someone else’s’ body. It felt like a nightmare. It was a nightmare.

That moment is a moment I will never forget. It's a moment that I think about every single day. That was a moment of impact, and it was a moment that would have ripple effects far beyond what we could predict...

It's fair to say the ripple effects have also been life changing. Some of those ripple effects, one in particular, was just as tragic, unfair, and heartbreaking and still doesn’t feel real. But as crazy as it may sound, some other of those ripple effects have been truly amazing. To see a community come together for two family's in pain, to be there to support them, to rally behind a law that needs to be changed to hopefully prevent at least one family from having to endure such an unimaginable pain and heartache, to see so many people’s faiths become stronger, to watch a young girl, Mickayla, who was also involved in the wreck, beat all odds and continue to recover and inspire many, to get to know her wonderful family, being able to witness two parents who would embrace the mother of the man who took the life of their child, because they can empathize with the pain she is feeling,  two parents who have lost so much, still stand and continue to be an example to so many those are some pretty amazing ripple effects that I’m blessed to be in the wake of. 

"A Girl Needs A Dad To Be The Standard Which She Will Judge All Men"

It’s because of my dad that I have such high expectations of what a father should be. As a matter of fact, instead of relaxing or laying around and watching TV, I bet my dad is outside, doing yard work, getting the side-by-sides ready, cleaning the pool, and just getting everything ready for the family to have a fun time when they come over later. Because that’s just how he is, he always puts his family first. Making sure we are all safe, taken care of, and happy is what matters most to him.

My dad has always been more than just the man who provided for and took care of his family, he’s been the man who has taught me so much about life, whether it was on the softball field, at school, at work, as a Christian, or as a parent. He’s always pushed me hard and expected a lot out of me. And I’m so thankful for that. It because of that I am the person that I am today.

My dad’s always been my biggest fan and supporter. In school, he always volunteered to come along on field trips with me to be sure I had a good time. He preached the importance of good grades and rewarded us when achieving our potential. When I played sports (basketball, softball, cheerleading), he always made sure I had all the opportunities to be the best, whether it was going to camps or one-on-one trainings or having the best equipment.  And they never missed a game or competition. And I’m talking about even those times when I was cheering for our football or basketball team two hours away, they were there. It meant and still means so much to me. And even as an adult, they are still my biggest cheerleader.

My dad’s always been there to catch me when I fall. And I’ve fallen a lot over the years. My dad has given me a lot of great advice over the years, and even though a lot of times I would do the opposite of what he advised, he never said “I told you so” when I failed. Instead, he was there to catch me when I fell, picked me back up, and pushed me on my way again.

My dad’s always been the person I’ve felt safest with. If there’s a bad storm coming, a family or work crisis, driving in unsafe travel conditions, or even one of those times were I’ve felt lost, if I am with my dad, I know everything will be okay.

What I admire even more about my dad is not only is he all of those wonderful things to me, he’s all of those wonderful things to my sweet baby boy. When Talon is with my dad (or mom), I don’t have a worry in the world. I know he’s safe, taken care of, and happy.

Happy Father’s Day Poppa!

Confession:

Today I’m also thankful for some other fathers. 

I’m thankful for Talon’s dad because he is such a wonderful father to Talon. When he’s with his dad, I know he’s in good hands because he’s with someone who loves him just as much I do.

I’m thankful for my uncle David. He’s always been and continues to be such a great example of what a father’s love should be.

And I’m soo thankful for TJ. I can only imagine how challenging being a step parent can be. But TJ does such a great job at it. Having someone to help me take care of and provide for Talon, someone who gets along with and respects Talon’s dad, someone that spends quality time doing ‘guy stuff’ with Talon not only means the world to Talon, but means the world to me. It’s in those moments that I fall deeper and deeper in love with him. <3

1 + 1.5 =1 (ish)

Two becoming one. That’s what's supposed to happen when you get married. What's yours is mine, and what's mine is yours.  Seems pretty simple, right?

Pfffft.  

It’s deceiving what it symbolizes (or how simple) when during your wedding ceremony you pour your two separate jars of sand into one jar,  especially if you are getting married for the second time and have been living alone for so long. Instead of all of the sand being mixed together, it should really be separate at the bottom then slowly begin to blend, with some zigs and zags in between, and then completely blended up top. Because for us, that’s been the reality. 

...........going from two houses to one, two budgets to one, two ways of doing things to one, trying to figure out what to cook for two of the pickiest eaters other than spaghetti and chicken, especially when one of those doesn't eat dinner every night (what a weirdo), trying to wrap my mind around the fact that he washes his towels, whites, and darks all together, convincing him I need the master closet but settling for 7/10^ths of it, having to make my own dresser in said closet because he’s not willing to get rid of any of his 6,503 t-shirts in the one he has, agreeing to disagree which way the silverware should go in the dishwasher, making a once bachelor pad more of a feminine, family home, convincing him that every room in the house doesn't’ have to have something related to his favorite sports team, going to bed together when I go to bed at 9pm and he at 11pm........

It’s hard, ya'll.

So what I have learned is that TJ and I aren't your normal newlywed couple. Talon’s dad is recently engaged and like most new relationships, he and his fiancé spend a lot of time together, because, well it’s new and they really like each other. It has been hard for Talon because he’s still transitioning into his new life of no longer having his mom’s undivided attention, and now no longer his dad’s when he’s had both for over the past 5 years. He really likes his dad’s fiancé, it’s just been hard for him getting used to having someone else there and him not getting all of the attention. So when I explained to Talon that they are spending so much time together because it’s new but after a while, they’ll get tired of each other  (in a loving way)  and need their space, Talon replied, “Like you and TJ? You all are rarely together. He’s usually downstairs and you upstairs.” Ehhh, yeah, something like that. But it is true of us.  When we are at home, more times than not, TJ and I aren't in the same room. He's usually in his man cave watching sports and I'm usually upstairs cooking, hanging out with Talon, catching up on work, or watching one of my shows, and it's because we have both lived such independent lives for so long and that's just how we've lived during that time. I hadn’t been in a serious relationship in over 5 years  and I lived alone (with Talon) during that entire time. I've been the head of my household and he, his. But now, there is just one.

But we have began to establish our life and routine as 'us', as a family. We eat dinner together as a family, we have our shows we watch together, go for walks together, play the occasional game of HORSE as a family, go to church together, to Talon's games together. But I still have my time with Talon, TJ has his time with Talon, and TJ and I have our time together. And though we aren't always together, side by side, every second of every day, just being home together is comfort enough. And it works for us.

I think the part that’s been the hardest about the whole 'two becoming one'  is when you are used to being so independent, you develop a sense of pride that you are able to take care of yourself. So when you allow yourself to give up some of that independence and rely on someone else, it makes you vulnerable. But I've learned that being vulnerable is one of the most important pieces to a marriage. Giving your whole self to your significant other, depending on each other and making each other feel needed and appreciated for the support that they give, that's important. That’s why we are married- to have someone to share life with, all of it, not just parts of it. And I've loved every second of it.

 

Confession--

So some things have been nice to give up that I USED to do in my past, independent life—yard work (I would help but I’m allergic to grass, how convenient, I know :) ), pulling the trash can to the road every week for pick up (because if you follow me on Facebook, you know the struggle I had with remembering to do that), not having to be the brave one when I hear weird noises at night, having someone go to the store to get me some Sour Patch Kids when I'm nauseas, having someone take care of Talon when I’m not feeling well, and just the fact that I don't have to do it all anymore. It's nice.  

Oh and one of the BEST things-- since TJ was a bachelor prior, and most bachelors aren't notorious for their cleaning skills, he had someone come and clean his house once a month. Although I've always cleaned my own house (and still do), I thought that was one thing that we shouldn't get rid of. :)

How To Deal

When you are living with a chronic disease, finding other people who are going through the same thing is so, so comforting. Knowing someone who can relate, it makes you feel not so crazy, or at least not alone crazy. :)

When I stumbled across this post, How To Deal With Chronic (Illness) When It Affects Your Family. Friends, and Social Life,  it hit home. After reading it, I cried. I'm not alone! Though what she deals with is chronic pain, after reading this I learned that it's still the same struggle as someone dealing with a chronic disease. In my case, cancer.

My life has completely changed since being diagnosed with CML, and so have relationships in my life, and not in a bad way. My relationships with my family and friends are still just as close, but what I can and can't do now has changed. If I had to pick two words to describe how I most always feel, it would be tired and nauseous. 

Actually, tired might not be a strong enough word. Maybe exhausted fits better. 

I still look like the same ol' Dana on the outside, but I'm completely different on the inside. I have *gasp* limits now. I can't stay up late, I can't have a jam packed day, I have to be careful of what I eat/drink because it might make me sick, I'm constantly tired, exhausted, I usually don't feel well, especially in the evenings (and I'm not even 30 years old!)--  all things you can't see (aside from when I'm throwing up of course <-- your welcome for that visual), and that's probably been one of the more difficult parts-- I love when I hear people say " I completely forgot your are sick." That means I do a good job of managing it and living a 'normal' life. But on the flip side, because of that, people assume what I'm going through isn't that bad because I do manage it well , I hide it well, and I don't look sick. And because people often forget I'm sick, then they often don't understand why I don't or can't do certain things, and it may come off as me being rude, not a team player, or a flaky friend. When really, I'm being quite because it's hard to be engaged in what's going on or in a conversation when I don't feel well,  and I'm not hanging out because I just have no more energy to give.

Every day is a battle. I never feel 100%. Some days are better than others, but a struggle non-the-less. Someday I can breeze through work. Others, I'm giving it everything I have just to make it to the end of the day, and sometimes I don't. Most days once I get home, I'll cook dinner and help Talon with homework (and sometimes those things don't even happen) then I check out for the day, I'm dunzo, my body can't handle anymore (which is also why I rarely blog anymore). I'm almost always in bed by 9pm. And that's not just because I'm exhausted from the day, it's also because that's when I generally feel the worst. I take my medication for my leukemia after dinner for two reasons-- 1. I have to take it on a full stomach or it will make me sick. 2. Even on a full stomach I'll still most likely get sick, and the evening (after work) is the most convenient time to be sick, if there is such a thing. Sometimes it passes on, most times I have to take Phenergan (which knocks me out), and other times nothing works so I try to sleep through it. There's been many days that I've gone straight to bed as soon as I got home. And to think, just a few years ago, I was working full time, in college, a homeowner, and a single mom. My day would begin at 6:30am, and end at midnight, or later. And I could handle it. I remember people always saying, " I wish I had your energy," or "how do you do it?" or  "enjoy it while you can because when you get older, that will change." I didn't realize that would be true just a couple of years later. Now I'm the one asking those people how THEY do it. I miss being able to do it all. . 

The person writing the article put it well--

"The ongoing uncertainty about how we’ll feel each day makes planning impossible. It’s hard to make plans because we can’t be sure how sick we’ll feel or how (fatigued) we’ll be in on any given day. Even after I’ve woken up, I don’t know how I’ll feel as the day progresses because my symptoms can flare at any moment.” <-- can I get an AMEN!

And it's not that I don't want to make plans, go out and do things,  it's just that I worry I'll end up not feeling well and don't want to take a chance on ruining someone else's time. So I normally just, don't. And when I do, it creates so much anxiety. I have to create a plan ahead of time of what I'll do if I get sick. Will it be a big deal if I have to leave? Will the people riding with me have another ride so they can stay and not be forced to leave with me? Do I have water? Phenergan? Sour patch kids? Is there a bathroom nearby in case I need to throw up? Is there a place for me to lay down if needed? Pure anxiety.

This anxiety over realistic fears have prevented me from going on trips and doing fun things that I used to be able to do. 

I remember my first experience dealing with this--

It was not quite yet a year since being diagnosed. At the time, I had a friend who was friends with Aaron Lewis (once alternative, now country singer). I had a once in a lifetime opportunity to fly on a private jet with Aaron Lewis, Craig Morgan, and Thomas Rhett (more country singers) to a benefit concert in Massachusetts and while we were there, we were also going to tour a gun factory.  This was a one day deal-- leaving that morning, would return very late the evening. I knew I would be pushing my limits but it would be worth it. That was until I got sick the night before. I was dehydrated and had a horrible headache the next morning. Even though the nausea was gone, I still wasn't feeling quite well. What if I get sick again? What if I need to lay down? There will be no place because we will either be on a plane, in a car, in a factory, or near a stage with hundreds of screaming fans. And how embarrassing would it be if I did get sick and they had to cancel the tour or any of the other plans because of me. 

So I had no choice but to cancel. 

Just this past Thursday, I went with my husband and some friends to the KFC Yum! Center in Louisville to watch the Cats play. Actually, we went for the day to watch all 4 tournament games, something that my husband was totally pumped about. In theory it sounded really fun. The day before, I started to second guess myself for signing up for such a big venture. Out for 12 hours? Can my body handle it? I really don't feel confident that it can. What if I need a quick caffeine fix to help give me energy, I'll be out of luck because all I can drink is water and some teas. And the Yum! Center won't have tea. I mean, it's the Yum! Center. And if they do have tea it will probably be too sugary and I won't be able to drink it anyways. What if I accidentally eat something that makes me sick? I better bring a blanket and pillow in case I need to camp out in the car because I could never ask my husband to leave early when he's been so looking forward to this.

Last weekend, Talon had a baseball tournament in Bowling Green and since his games were so early Sunday morning, my mom and I decided to just stay the night. We had some free time Saturday evening so we went to the mall and not even 30 minutes into the trip, I had to spend the rest of our time in the bathroom figuring out if I was going to throw up or not, because I felt that nauseous. Of course my mom suggested that we leave and go back to the hotel so I could lay down but I refused. I didn't want to ruin their time because of me. 

It's frustrating, it really is. But lucky for me, I do have such a great support system-- family, friends, and co-workers, and they get it. When I demand to drive because I'm now super susceptible to car sickness, they let me. If I need to leave work or a gathering early because I don't feel well, they don't make me feel guilty. When I'm laying on the bathroom floor waiting to either throw up or for the nausea to pass, my husband always offers to get me anything I need. When my son knows mom's not feeling well, he suddenly becomes a whole lot more independent without me even asking. 

They give me passes, Cancer Passes, just like my sister made me. :)  And because of that, I am so completely grateful.