I have a hobby!

So I've been in a bit of a funk lately. I've been dealing with more than normal stress, and just some things in life not working out the way I'm wanting them to, leaving me to question some decisions I've made-- you know, life stuff that we all deal with from time to time. One of the hardest parts of being single (and a single parent) is dealing with these types of situations on your own.

It. Is. Tough.

These last couple of weeks, I haven't felt like doing anything. I've been the biggest homebody. If I'm not working, I'm at home. This evening when I finished working, I put on my comfy clothes, and curled up on the couch. Wednesday nights are the nights I bowl with my parents and I had no desire to go tonight. I had typed up a text to send to my mom to see if she could get a sub because all I wanted to do was lay on the couch but before I could hit send, I reminded myself that I couldn't let my sulking interfere with commitments I've made. So I forced myself off the couch, put on my shoes, and went bowling.

And I'm glad I did.

For those next 2.5 hours, I didn't worry about life's stresses. Instead, I worried about what deliciously unhealthy food I was going to eat for dinner, and whether or not I was going to pick up that 7-10 split. It was fun, relaxing, and a sweet escape. And it was then I realized just how important it is to have a 'hobby'. I haven't really had one in years. All the time I get asked "what do you do for fun?" "what are your hobbies?" "what do you like to do in your free time?" My response is always, "what is that? What's free time?" I've never really made time for that.  If I'm not working, I'm with Talon. If I'm not with Talon, I'm doing something for one of the organizations I'm involved in. If I'm not doing that, I'm with my family or friends, or cleaning house, running errands, doing laundry, you know, adult stuff. When I told my parents I would bowl with them in this league, I immediately retracted my statement the next day with the reason being-- I don't have time. For some reason somehow I've convinced myself that free time isn't something I should have during the week. I should always be doing something productive, especially the nights Talon stays with his dad. I should use those nights to work late and catch up on anything I'm behind on.

My parents found a replacement for me to finish up the league season but yet I'm still bowling, by my choice. Each week I tell them I'll bowl the next week then I'm done. Then the next week comes and I'll say, I'll bowl one more week then I'm done. And I've realized the reason for my reluctance-y to quit is, I actually enjoy bowling. And I'm not even really sure it's the bowling I enjoy, it's the breaking up of the work week monotony I enjoy. It's the doing something fun I enjoy. It's having those couple of hours during the week where I don't worry about what I need to do at work or at home. I can just relax, and have fun.

When I got home this evening, I had a new found energy. Even though I'm still completely stressed about life right now, I now have this revitalizing feeling that I'll work through it like I always do, and everything will be okay. All that, just from bowling. :)

Tomorrow is a new day, and I'm ready for it.

A Series Of Unfortunate Events

So I’ve been carrying a heavy burden on my shoulders these past 10 days that I wish I weren’t facing. As you may or may not know, Talon was attacked by a pit bull two Friday’s ago. Luckily the owner was right there when it happened and was able to pull him off immediately but not before the dog had a chance to bite deep into Talon’s leg and take out a little chunk. Fortunately, it wasn’t anything too serious. It was a friend’s dog, it wasn’t provoked, it just happened, and I’m not mad because things happen but it’s still unfortunate nonetheless, and has led to a series of unfortunate events.

When you are bitten by a dog (or human), doctors prefer to leave it open to heal and not to stitch it up, because the stitches often cause infections. The bite on Talon’s leg was so deep, wide, and fleshy, the doctor was forced to put in a couple of stitches. One trip to the ER, an X-ray, good cleaning, and a couple of stitches later, we were sent home with a round of antibiotics for him to take for the next 5 days. The following Monday, I took Talon to his family doctor just for follow up on the bite as well as for the doctor to look at the dozens of itchy bumps all over him. The bite looked like it was healing well and the bumps turned out to be bug bites. One week later, we noticed the bite looked like it may be infected. It was red around the wound, swollen, and warm to the touch. I took him back to the doctor Friday to find out it was indeed infected. The doctor removed the stitches then put him on another round of antibiotics and also gave him a cream to put on his leg and we were told to follow up the next day, but until then, if it got any worse, to go straight to the ER. She might as well said, “Check his leg every hour and don’t get any sleep tonight” because that’s what this worried momma did. Luckily we made it through the night.  So Saturday, I take him back to the doctor, by this time pus was coming out of the wound (TMI, I know) so the doctor was able to do a culture swab and send it off to be tested to make sure nothing serious was going on. We are still waiting on those results but in the meantime, I was instructed to keep cleaning it like we have been, keep the cream on it, and keep him on the antibiotics, and follow up Wednesday. By Sunday morning, it already started to look a little better. That was a relief. His next appointment Wednesday will make the 5^th time we’ve been to the doctor/ER in less than 2 weeks.

As if that hasn’t been stressful enough, during all this, I’ve also been faced with a tough, tough decision to make as a parent::

The dog that bit Talon never received a rabies shot. Normally when a dog bites someone in that situation, it’s put  into quarantine for 10 days and observed to make sure it shows no signs of having rabies and if it does show signs, it’s put down and the brain is tested for rabies. For whatever reason, that is not an option to us. 

So here is the dilemma:: 

The chance of the dog that bit Talon was infected with the rabies virus is slim, but there is a chance. Most people assume the only sign of an animal having rabies is it would be foaming out the mouth. Not true. The most common symptom is a change in behavior of the animal, such as they may become aggressive, or withdraw from humans. Everyone can speculate whether or not they think the dog was infected with the virus but without being able to observe the dog or have it tested, no one knows for sure. 

What this means::

If someone is bitten by an animal with the rabies virus then that virus would be passed on to that person. There is no way to test that person to determine if they have the rabies virus. The only way to know is if that person starts exhibiting the symptoms of the virus. At that point, there is nothing you can do to stop it and it’s fatal.  The only option for protection against the rabies virus after someone has been bitten by an animal that may have the virus is for that person is to receive the series of rabies vaccinations. This is a series of 4 different shots over a 14 day period which provides immediate protection against rabies until your body has responded to the vaccine and makes its own antibodies to rabies.

So here are our options:: 

A. Hope and pray the dog was not infected with rabies and just let it go.

B. Have Talon receive the series of shots to prevent him from having the rabies virus. 

Now, this may seem like a no-brainer but it’s actually been a very hard decision, one that’s been weighing very heavily on me, and here’s why:: 

First, I’ve heard the shots are very very painful. They used to give them in the stomach but luckily that’s no longer the case. However, Talon has been through enough this past week because of the dog bite that I hate to have to put him through more pain. Furthermore, I’m worried about the side effects of the shots. From what I’ve read, the side effects are the same as receiving any other type of vaccination. However, it just worries me b/c the vaccine is protecting against something that attacks your central nervous system, it’s some powerful stuff. I just worry it may cause a serious side effect. Lastly, from what I’ve read, these shots are expensive, as in the thousands of dollars. Obviously I’ll pay whatever I have to and even give my own life to ensure good health and a long life for Talon but the question I’ve had to think about this week is:: Are these shots this necessary? 

I’ve asked the opinion of several doctors, nurses, my family, and have also prayed about it. A couple of doctors/nurses have said that if this were their kid, they wouldn’t do it. The odds of the dog having rabies is slim and with that being said, they wouldn’t put their child through that and feel it’s completely unnecessary. But most others have said, without a doubt, if this were their child, they would get the shots immediately, because it’s not worth taking that chance and risking their child’s life over. As one doctor said, it’s like playing Russian Roulette. 

But at the end of the day, this is MY kid we are talking about so the decision is up to his Dad and I. And this is what I asked my son’s dad, and myself:: The dog probably didn’t have rabies, but we don’t know if it did or didn’t, so  what IF it did? IF it did, it would be fatal to Talon. Is that something we could live with? Knowing we could have prevented that?  

That’s not something I even want to think about with that being said, as soon as we pick Talon up from school today, we are going to the ER of HMH and Talon is getting his first of 4 rounds of shots. Talon has no clue. He cringes as the word ‘shot’. He’s been through enough this past week and I didn’t’ want him to have this lingering anticipation of pain that is to come. When I laid in bed last night, all I could do was think about it. What if it is as painful as everyone says it is? What if he has a bad side effect? How am I going to get him back to the hospital (willingly) 3 more times? And then I became mad, mad that we were even in this situation. I shouldn’t have to make a decision like this. Furthermore, Talon shouldn’t have to go through this.

So I ask all my friends, please say a little prayer for Talon today. Pray that it’s not as painful as I think it’s going to be, pray that there aren’t any serious side effects, and pray that it was the right decision for me to make.

Coming Soon: A New Addition To The Family!

Well the decision has been made. I've been thinking, and thinking, and thinking about it and I feel the timing is just right. I'm a little nervous about the commitment but I think we are ready.  Talon and I arrrrrrrrrrrrre............getting a dog! :)

Now this may not seem like a big deal, but this is actually a really is a HUGE deal, on so many levels. First let me start by saying, the last time I got a dog for Talon, it lasted 6 hours. I was young, a new mom, Talon was barely walking, yet his dad and I thought it was the perfect time to get a puppy. Wrong! After a few hours of the chewing, peeing everywhere, and the constant whining, I decided Talon doing that was enough to handle so there was no way I could handle a puppy doing that too. Within 6 hours, our brand new $400 puppy was in a new home, and I was relieved.

Let me clarify, I love dogs, I really do, but they are a lot of work and commitment. But it's not the work part that worries me, it's the commitment part. We all know that commitment isn't my thing. I mean, I've been single for over 4 years. Heck, I can't even decide if I want to grow my hair up or keep it short. But a dog is a huge commitment. I love the fact that Talon and I can come and go as we please. We take a couple of family trips a year, we spend weekends at the ballpark, and when he's with his Dad, most weekends I'm in the city, and by city, I mean Louisville. So if we get a dog, that will have to slow down a little. Am I ready for that?

After much thinking, I decided the answer is yes. And there is only one main reason for that:: Talon. Talon absolutely loves dogs. And Talon is so good with dogs. He's very sweet and loving to animals, and despite the one that recently attacked him, dogs really do love Talon. And furthermore, dogs make Talon feel safe. We've been in our house for about 2 years now and he still gets scared at night and I truly feel having a dog next to him would make him feel safe. 

When I was Talon's age, we got our family dog, Jordan. That dog was my best friend. Wherever I went, he went. At one point, we even had the same hair style. I wish I were kidding, but I'm not. He had curly white hair, I had a white-blonde perm.  I'll dig up the picture next time I go to my parents. Talon is so much like me in so many ways so I know Talon will be the same way with his dog. And I want that for Talon.

With that being said, Talon and I are on a dog hunt. We are going to search every dog shelter, high and low, until we find the perfect dog for to add to our crazy family. Wish us luck!

And I'll end this post with a picture of me and my dog from my childhood, Jordan.  

 

 

A Year In Review

This month, last year, I was reminded that you truly never know what tomorrow will bring. I was reminded that tomorrow is not promised. I was reminded that your life can change in an instant. I was reminded that good health isn’t something we should take for granted. More importantly, I was reminded how lucky I am, and how blessed I am. I was reminded what an amazing family I have, what amazing friends I have, and what an amazing support system I have. This month, last year, August 9^th to be exact, I was diagnosed with Chronic Myelogenous Leukemia.

 

 

When I started this blog, it was to talk about my adventures of being a single mom. Never did I imagine it would become my cancer diary as well.

When I found out I had CML, I was relieved. The worst part of this process was the testing, and waiting, testing, and waiting, and waiting. I felt like my life was at a standstill. So the day I was officially diagnosed was the day I could finally move on with my life, whether it was how I wanted to move on with it or not.  And then my journey began—learning to live with CML.  And boy has that been a physical and emotional journey.

When I read back to the beginning, I realize how much my life has changed. I remember the early days of treatment--

The rashes, the weird lumps, the face swelling, having to wear a mask on the plane to our family trip in Florida because my blood counts were too low and I couldn’t risk getting sick, the extreme fatigue, the nausea, the throwing up, the muscle aches, the body aches, the headaches, the dehydration, and even worse, not being able to drink a glass of wine for months, and the overall uncertainty of what’s to come. Those first few months were rough. I've had to learn what to do and what not do to do to prevent those side effects from happening, and I’m still learning those things, but I’ve come a long way. It’s been a lifestyle change, that’s for sure.

As of my 6 month testing, I learned my leukemia is under control and my medicine is doing exactly what it should, which should be more than I could ever ask for. But I'll shamefully admit, there are days I just get so frustrated.  I tell myself I’ve accepted this as being a part of my life, but I think part of me is still hoping this is just temporary.  And even though they are a lot fewer than they used to be, it’s those bad days that just really get me down.  It’s those days when the feeling of extreme fatigue hits me and I have to lay down immediately, or those days I get the worst bone and muscle aches that make me want to curl in a ball and cry, and almost every single night, no matter what I do, I’m still lying in bed completely nauseous, praying I sleep through it. There was a day recently that I had to miss a once in a lifetime trip because I was sick all night because of my medicine. And when I have those days, I just lie in bed, angrily crying because I feel so frustrated, and defeated, and think to myself “do I really have to deal with this for the rest of my life?” And then I get even more upset with myself for being so completely selfish and ungrateful. It’s because of those side effects and those small sacrifices that I’m able to live life. What a small price to pay.

 But aside from those times the wrath of Dana gets taken out on my pillows because of frustration, I feel like over this past year, I have grown so much as a person. I finally have realized not to sweat the small stuff, and not to waste my time on things or situations that don’t matter. I never thought I could get any closer to my family, but I definitely have.  And I am more clear and certain about my path in life now than I was pre-diagnosis. As I’ve said before, during this process, never have I questioned God. I don’t think He gave me CML, if anyone is to blame, it’s probably Ronald McDonald and those Chicken McNuggets of his. But I do believe God has used this as a way to change my life, for the better, and for that I am completely grateful.

Aaaaaaand I am also grateful that those days of edema are long gone too because I went from this:

 

Back to this::

 

 No more Princess Fiona Effect. :)

So, at the end of the month, I will go for my 12 month checkup.  I’m actually kind of nervous/excited about it. Well first, it’s been 6 months since my last test so even though I feel everything is still well; it will be a nice sigh of relief to see the test results that say that. Furthermore, as I mentioned in My Health Confession, if all is still well, I plan on asking my doctor to cut my dosage in half, hoping to alleviate some of my side effects of my medication.  I’m only 27 years old. I am determined to get my health back to where I think it can be again, and I'm ready to take that next step. So here's to hoping I'm still PCRU! Stay tuned!

 

To read more about my CML journey, click here.

 

Confession::

 

When I started this blog on June 3, 2012 (2 months before being diagnosed with CML), this is what I wrote in the "Welcome" section of my blog::
 

 

 

 

These words apply more to my life now than they did the day I wrote them. Funny.

 

Pre- Dating Stress

So the other night, I met a guy friend for coffee. Nothing serious, very casual.  But before I met him, I couldn't figure out what to wear. After 30 min of changing outfits, I finally settled for a pair of shorts and cardigan. But then that's when it hit me.... What's going to happen when I go on a real date? You know, a date where the guys picks me up (that does still happen, right?) and takes me to dinner (that does still happen, right?) then drops me back off, and there's that weird awkward moment where you don't know if you should hug or high five (I'm sure that still does happen), you know, a real date. What's going to happen when I go on a real date? What am I going to wear? What are you supposed to wear? That's something I haven't thought about in a very long time. Even though I've been single for a long time, I haven't dated in a while.  I have work clothes, lounging clothes, errand clothes, and that's it. No date clothes. I don't even know what date clothes are.

 Ooooh my, this is just another reason why it's just easier to stay single, and why I . Hate. Dating.

  

^^^^^^^^^^^^^
This is how I feel about dating.

Back To School

So school starts tomorrow and I'm having such mixed emotions about it. I'm really excited about it and  alsoreally sad about it. Do I sound like a typical female or what? First, I'm excited to get back into our normal routine. I live for structure and routine and that always seems to go out the window during the summer time so I'm looking forward to bringing that back. But I'm sooooo sad that I won't be spending as much time with my sweet baby boy. But most importantly, how in the world can he be starting first grade already? I still vividly remember the first day I took him to daycare. That was the worst day of my life.

Then the first day of 3 year old preschool.

 

 

Then before I knew it, he was graduating 4 year old preschool.

 

Then the first day of kindergarten.

 

 

Then graduating kindergarten.

 

And now first grade? I feel like it's all downhill from here and it just breaks this momma's heart. If anyone knows how to make time slow down, please PLEASE let me know how.

But despite the fact that I'm oh so sad about Talon beginning this next chapter of his life, I'm so completely excited that his 1st grade teacher is someone I love, admire, and still look up to even after over 20 years of knowing her.... my 2nd grade teacher, Lisa Jaggers, is Talon's 1st grade teacher. How cool is that?! As if that wasn't exciting enough, my 1st/3rd grade teacher, Karen Hill, who is another teacher I love, admire, and still look up to even after 20 years of knowing her, will also be around Talon at school as well. We hit the jackpot last year with his kindergarten teacher, Mrs. Wilson, and now he gets to be with two of my favorite teachers? I can't explain how happy it makes me. It makes me happy because I know they will take such good care of him, and it makes me even happier because they are incredible teachers and I know he will learn so much. Like last year, this year, when I drop Talon off at school every morning, I won't have a worry in the world because I know he will be in good hands. And that's the best feeling any momma could ever have.

Back to school we go!

Anniversary Weekend

So this past weekend was full of anniversaries, and not really the ones you would typically think of, like dating anniversary, or wedding anniversary (we will get to that later), but anniversaries none-the-less.

First and foremost, it was the 5th(ish) anniversary (or in this case, annual) 4th of July Family Cookout which is held at my aunt and uncle's house. The weekend before the 4th, my aunt and uncle invite the whole family over for a night of good food and fun. My aunt and uncle are excellent cooks, and well, I'm a sucker for good food, and by good food, I mean ribs, beans, slaw, and the BEST desserts ever. Then we play bingo, trivia, and word scramble for prizes. Let me add, the adults play, not the kids, and it gets competitive because the prizes are fabulous. (I won 3 gift cards this year) To top it off, being the amazing host and hostess they are, my aunt and uncle provide 4th of July themed gifts for everyone. It's like Christmas in July, really. The entire family looks forward to it every year. I was particularly looking forward to it this year because I had to miss out on this day of family fun last year, which brings me to the next anniversary. 

This past weekend was also the 1 year anniversary of my appendix surgery.  You may be thinking, why would you anniverserize that day? <-- I obviously made that word up. Well, that day, which I remember vividly, was a what I thought was the worst day ever, but it actually turned out to be (as you may know)  a day that we can arguably say saved my life.  I remember waking up that Saturday morning not feeling right. After a short trip to Acute Care, I was in the ER at HMH getting ready to have my appendix removed. At that moment, before my surgery, I was mad, real mad, and not because I was getting ready to have surgery, I mean yeah whatever, who needs their appendix anyways? Go ahead and remove any other unused organs while you're at it and go ahead and suck out some of that extra body fat too.  I was mad  because I had to miss out on the annual 4th of July Family Cookout at my aunt and uncle's house. They wanted to cancel but I convinced them that the show must go on without me, and I would be fine, laying in that hospital bed, in my hospital room, connected to all those machines, with one less organ, alllll by myself....

 So long as they brought me back some of that food, and they did. :)

  
Hours after having my appendix removed, I was eating ribs, beans, cole slaw, and loving it. Not quite the liquid diet that's called for after having your appendix removed but whatever. 

 So anyways, back to my point-- So what I thought was the worst day ever turned out to be a day that I'll always be thankful for since it was because of my appendicitis that led my doctors to realize that I did have leukemia. And it was because of my appendicitis that we caught my leukemia while it was still in the first stage. That's an anniversary worth celebrating. :)  

Now here's the last anniversary, and this is the depressing one. This weekend also marks the 1 year anniversary of the last time I went on a date. Can you believe that? It's been a year since I've been out on a date. A whole year.  That's a new record. Granted, I've been single for over 4 years now. (And if you read My Hardest Confession, you know why.) But up until this past year, I dated, consistently. Nothing serious but I always had someone to go to dinner with, go to lunch with, hang out with, and date. So why the change? Well, after I had my appendix removed, the next few months of my life were filled with tests, doctors appointments, and coping with my newly discovered diagnosis:: leukemia. Needless to say, dating has been the last thing on my mind. My life has changed so much in this past year, not dating was probably the right decision but here's the problem now:: Now that I'm ready to jump back into the dating scene, I feel like I've become even more comfortable (than I already was) being single.  Actually, maybe I've just become too comfortable in my routine. I want to get married. I want to maybe have more kids. I want someone to share mine and Talon's life with. And I want someone to snuggle on the couch with. BUT, I've become so used to not having that. Too used to it. Wow, I feel like I'm having deja vu here! When I should be out meeting new people and going on dates, I'm at home, by myself, reading, catching up on my favorite TV shows, and just enjoying the downtime, alone. A big part of that is because I keep so busy, I'm usually too tired to think about dating. But another part of that is because It's comfortable, and easy. My family has told me time after time that I'm too picky, and that's not the case. I think what it is, even though I do want to be with someone, I have very little desire to put forth a lot of effort to meet someone. I'm kinda still hoping he will just fall from the sky and magically appear. That is possible, right?  I truly feel God will put that right person in my life when the time is right (even though I hope it's sooner rather than later) BUT I also know that I can't meet that person until I put forth SOME effort. It's something that I'm trying to work on because this time next year, I def. don't want to be writing about another non-dating anniversary. 

So here's to jumping back into the dating scene.....

Aaaaand this is what my sister sent me this morning......