A Year In Review

This month, last year, I was reminded that you truly never know what tomorrow will bring. I was reminded that tomorrow is not promised. I was reminded that your life can change in an instant. I was reminded that good health isn’t something we should take for granted. More importantly, I was reminded how lucky I am, and how blessed I am. I was reminded what an amazing family I have, what amazing friends I have, and what an amazing support system I have. This month, last year, August 9^th to be exact, I was diagnosed with Chronic Myelogenous Leukemia.

 

 

When I started this blog, it was to talk about my adventures of being a single mom. Never did I imagine it would become my cancer diary as well.

When I found out I had CML, I was relieved. The worst part of this process was the testing, and waiting, testing, and waiting, and waiting. I felt like my life was at a standstill. So the day I was officially diagnosed was the day I could finally move on with my life, whether it was how I wanted to move on with it or not.  And then my journey began—learning to live with CML.  And boy has that been a physical and emotional journey.

When I read back to the beginning, I realize how much my life has changed. I remember the early days of treatment--

The rashes, the weird lumps, the face swelling, having to wear a mask on the plane to our family trip in Florida because my blood counts were too low and I couldn’t risk getting sick, the extreme fatigue, the nausea, the throwing up, the muscle aches, the body aches, the headaches, the dehydration, and even worse, not being able to drink a glass of wine for months, and the overall uncertainty of what’s to come. Those first few months were rough. I've had to learn what to do and what not do to do to prevent those side effects from happening, and I’m still learning those things, but I’ve come a long way. It’s been a lifestyle change, that’s for sure.

As of my 6 month testing, I learned my leukemia is under control and my medicine is doing exactly what it should, which should be more than I could ever ask for. But I'll shamefully admit, there are days I just get so frustrated.  I tell myself I’ve accepted this as being a part of my life, but I think part of me is still hoping this is just temporary.  And even though they are a lot fewer than they used to be, it’s those bad days that just really get me down.  It’s those days when the feeling of extreme fatigue hits me and I have to lay down immediately, or those days I get the worst bone and muscle aches that make me want to curl in a ball and cry, and almost every single night, no matter what I do, I’m still lying in bed completely nauseous, praying I sleep through it. There was a day recently that I had to miss a once in a lifetime trip because I was sick all night because of my medicine. And when I have those days, I just lie in bed, angrily crying because I feel so frustrated, and defeated, and think to myself “do I really have to deal with this for the rest of my life?” And then I get even more upset with myself for being so completely selfish and ungrateful. It’s because of those side effects and those small sacrifices that I’m able to live life. What a small price to pay.

 But aside from those times the wrath of Dana gets taken out on my pillows because of frustration, I feel like over this past year, I have grown so much as a person. I finally have realized not to sweat the small stuff, and not to waste my time on things or situations that don’t matter. I never thought I could get any closer to my family, but I definitely have.  And I am more clear and certain about my path in life now than I was pre-diagnosis. As I’ve said before, during this process, never have I questioned God. I don’t think He gave me CML, if anyone is to blame, it’s probably Ronald McDonald and those Chicken McNuggets of his. But I do believe God has used this as a way to change my life, for the better, and for that I am completely grateful.

Aaaaaaand I am also grateful that those days of edema are long gone too because I went from this:

 

Back to this::

 

 No more Princess Fiona Effect. :)

So, at the end of the month, I will go for my 12 month checkup.  I’m actually kind of nervous/excited about it. Well first, it’s been 6 months since my last test so even though I feel everything is still well; it will be a nice sigh of relief to see the test results that say that. Furthermore, as I mentioned in My Health Confession, if all is still well, I plan on asking my doctor to cut my dosage in half, hoping to alleviate some of my side effects of my medication.  I’m only 27 years old. I am determined to get my health back to where I think it can be again, and I'm ready to take that next step. So here's to hoping I'm still PCRU! Stay tuned!

 

To read more about my CML journey, click here.

 

Confession::

 

When I started this blog on June 3, 2012 (2 months before being diagnosed with CML), this is what I wrote in the "Welcome" section of my blog::
 

 

 

 

These words apply more to my life now than they did the day I wrote them. Funny.