The Dance

Ahhh normalcy, it's something that I long for, yearn for, and miss. And yet it's something that I don't know if I'm quite ready for. Normalcy for me (and my family) won't be the normal that we were accustomed to. We have to create a new normal. And man is it going to be tough. 

It's been about three weeks since Brianna left us, and about a week and a half since Brice. If you read my last post, then you got a glimpse of what myself and family were (are) going through. I'd be lying if I said we have accepted it and moved on. I think we are starting to accept it, but moving on has been the hard part. Where do you begin?

For the past three weeks, we've been at the hospital, at a church, with family, and grieving. Our normal lives had stopped and that became our new normal. Now that both of my sweet cousins have been laid to rest, we have to attempt to get back into our normal routine and move on with our lives. The thing is, our lives are forever changed. This week has been my first full week back to work, back to grocery shopping, back to running errands, back to cooking, back to my 'normal' routine. I used to find joy in my day to day happenings but now, not so much. I'm going through the motions but it's just not the same.  It's still being overshadowed by the sadness I feel for myself, my family, and for my aunt and uncle. 

Work has actually been my only saving grace. It's the one time that I can keep my mind busy enough to not think about the tragedies that just happened. But as soon as I leave work and get in the car, I breakdown.  By the time I get home, I'm too sad to do anything productive and usually spend the evening talking about Brice and Brianna, reading articles about them, looking at their pictures, thinking about old memories, and reading all the sweet comments everyone has left them, and crying. 

Before all of this happened, I had been working on home improvement projects, wedding planning, and had a lot of happy blog posts in the works. But now, it's like it doesn't even matter. It's hard to find joy in those things.

Then I think about my struggle, and how it doesn't even compare to what my aunt and uncle are going through. 

But then I'm reminded about how lucky I (we) are to have loved someone (two someones in this case) so much that it hurts this bad to lose them. 

It's like a wise man once said:

And now I'm glad I didn't know,
The way it all would end the way it all would go.
Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain,
But I'd have had to miss the dance.

Okay so maybe that was Garth Brooks but I'm trying here people.  :)

And I know this is normal, and this is going to take time, but I don't want to be this sad person, I don't want to blog only about sad things, I want to be happy again. I want all of my family to be happy again. And I know it will happen. 

It's just going to take some time.

 "Time waits for no man. Time heals all wounds. All any of us can wants, is more time. Time to stand up. Time to grow up. Time to let go."