Faith, Family, Friends

These past few days have been tough. As I try to get back to some type of normalcy,  I'll find myself randomly crying. This morning was no different. And during my breakdown this morning, I thought to myself, "why am I crying?"  I mean, I do know why I'm not crying. I'm not crying for myself. As I've said before,  I feel so completely blessed that God put Brianna in my life. I actually remember the day she was born. I remember everyone gathering around her and giving all of their attention to this sweet and tiny new addition to our family and her oh so cute big brother was getting none. I remember holding her older brother, Brice, who was barely a toddler and saying to him, "don't worry Brice, I'll make sure you always get lots of attention from me." And as she grew older, she sucked me right in, too. Sorry Brice. :)  They were both so special (and still are) to me. They were my  baby cousins and I have loved watching them grow up. They were the first to show me that life truly flashes before your eyes. When they got their drivers licenses, I couldn't believe they were already that old. When they graduated high school, I couldn't believe they were already that old. Days before Brianna's graduation party, I went through some old pictures and came across one of me holding her when she was around the age of 3. We were in Disney World. In my mind, that's the age she should still be. She's not supposed to be 1/2 an inch taller than me and getting ready to head off to college. She's supposed to be this tiny little girl that I can still carry on my hip. 

At Brianna's graduation party, TJ (my fiance) saw her softball pictures and said to me, "why have you been hiding this stud softball player from me and my coed softball team?!" Before we left the party, he already recruited her on his team. The first game she played with his team, the mother in me felt like I needed to be there to make her feel comfortable as she probably wouldn't know anyone on this team because everyone was so much older. We met her in the parking lot, walked to the field together, she began warming up and instantly fit right in. She didn't need me. Her first at bat, she cranked the ball into the outfield. All of her teammates looked at TJ and said, "where have you been hiding her?!" I was so proud, so so proud of her. But that was nothing new, I've always been so proud of her (and her brother) and the young adults they have become. "Proud" is really an understatement actually.  She represented the Taylor name so well, and probably even raised the bar.  I feel so honored that God decided to put them both in my family. So I'm not crying for myself. It would be selfish and ungrateful of me to be sad that I don't get any more time with her and get to make any more memories with her. The time I've had with her is more time than many people got to spend with her and more time than many people get to spend with anyone as loving, kind, and full of life.

When I cry, I cry for the selfishness of others. Brianna's life was taken because of a selfish decision made by someone else. I know we all make mistakes. But when those mistakes are made repeatedly and affect the lives of others, I'm not okay with that. 

When I cry, I cry because I know one day, I'll have to let Talon go off on his own into this crazy world and can't be there to protect him every step of the way. With Talon getting older and his dad and I not being together, I get a taste of what this feels like. Just this past weekend Talon went camping and boating with his dad and even though I know his dad is a great dad and would never put his son in harm's way, I couldn't help but worry. What if he goes too deep in the water? What if he falls off the boat and his life jacket isn't on tight enough? What if something goes wrong? And I know this is only going to get worse as he gets older. It's an unsettling feeling know that no matter what we do or say, we can't protect our children from everything. 

I cry because even I take life for granted. Me, the girl whose living with cancer, takes life for granted. When I was diagnosed with cancer, knowing that tomorrow isn't promised became a little more real to me. But my tomorrow's continue and that fear began to fade. It wasn't until the loss of my baby cousin that it finally sank in. We all see in the news every single day about a person dying in a car wreck. We all think 'how tragic' then move on with our lives.  We know that person could one day be someone we know and love but never do we really believe it, until it is.

 

But most importantly, I cry for my aunt, uncle, and cousin.  I have a handful of very close, best friends. But my relationship with them doesn't compare to my relationship with my sisters. They are my comfort and stability. Brice's relationship with Brianna was no different. And as a parent, too often I think about what it would be like to lose a child. When I hear a story of a parent losing a child, I couldn't ever figure out how they make it through and continue on with life. The strength it must take, I don't think I could possess. My life didn't begin until I had Talon and I feel most certain it would end without him. How do parents do it? Things will never be the same, they will never be normal, and there will always be a piece of them missing.

But through all of this, I have been able to find some peace and comfort. 

I find comfort in knowing that Brianna is in Heaven. When some people pass, you feel kind iffy about that. Not with Brianna. She confessed her life to our Lord and Savior years back and has led a life of selflessness and love to all. God doesn't make them much better than Brianna. 

And believe it or not, I have also found peace through Brianna's parents, my aunt and uncle. In the midst of their pain, the strength they have displayed these past couple of days have been unreal. Yesterday after the funeral, Brianna's dad gathered all of the family around for a little speech. He started off by thanking God for blessing him. This guy, the guy whose daughter was taken from him at such a young age by a selfless act of another still praises God for how blessed he is? What strength. He continued on to talk about marrying his wife, having his first born, then his second, how God blessed him more than he could ever imagine. He is so thankful for all of them and for all of the time, love, and memories he has had with them. While it could be so easy for he and my aunt (or anyone) to be mad at God, they aren't. What strength. He continued on to say that the reason why they have been able to make it through these past couple of days is because of his friends and family and all of the support they have shown. What has offered some peace is seeing the impact his daughter has had by the thousands of people who have shared their love and stories of Brianna with them. Because of that, I want to say thank you to everyone who stopped by the church, attended the funeral, or sent a text/email/FB message. I'm going to print everything that was sent to me to give to them so they can always be reminded of how many loved and were impacted by Brianna. 

What has probably offered the most comfort to us all is knowing that Brianna's life wasn't lost in vain. At the end of the wonderful sermon during Brianna's funeral, Brother Scott invited anyone who wanted to begin the conversation about beginning a relationship with Jesus Christ and being saved, like Brianna was, to come up and they would begin that conversation. Several people did. So through the loss of Brianna's life, another life will be saved. How amazing.

So how does a parent make it through the loss of their child? Through faith, family, and friends-- all of which Brianna's parents most definitely have.

I know the days, weeks, and years to come are going to be so so hard for my aunt, uncle, and cousin. Because of that, I ask that you please continue to pray for strength, peace and comfort for them. I also ask that you continue to pray for the full recovery of Brianna's friend, Mickayla, who was in the car with her at the time of the wreck.