What I've Learned

As my journey as a single mom has come to an end, I wanted my last post to be about what I've learned. 

Over these last five years, Talon and I have developed a special bond, one that I'm so grateful for. He's my sidekick, my wingman, and my sunshine on all my cloudy days.  Many single parents can relate I'm sure. And though I'm completely happy how my life is playing out, if I can give one piece of advice to future parents, it would be this--

Don't become a single parent.

I bet you didn't see that one coming, did you?

I should start by saying I don't regret having Talon. He is the biggest blessing in my life, and I'm even more grateful for him knowing there is a chance I might not be able to have any more children. What I do wish is that I would have waited until I was in a stable relationship before I had him. Why? Well for the obvious reason-- it would have made life much easier for everyone. 

Talon's dad and I have a great relationship. As a matter of fact, I consider him a friend. We do a great job of co-parenting. We've never had to have a judge tell us who's getting Talon when and who pays for what. We have a mutual agreement where we split everything right down the middle. We have a set schedule with him but both are flexible with it. We still sit together at Talon's ball games, school functions, etc. along with both of our families. We make parenting decisions together.  We have mutual respect and appreciation for each other. We work together to do what's best for Talon. And it makes life so much easier for all of us, but most importantly, it makes it easier for Talon.

So you may be thinking, 'sounds pretty great to me.' Well, it is. But (there's always a but) there are still things that are just plain tough about being a single parent.

You miss out on special moments with your child. First word, first steps, first time riding a bike without training wheels-- there's a chance those things could happen when they are with their other parent and you'll miss it. And what's even worse,  someone else might get to share those moments with your child.


It's hard to find someone who is understanding of your relationship with the other parent. One of the many reasons I love TJ is because he gets it. He has never questioned my relationship with Talon's dad. If we talk or text, he never asks why. And TJ and Talon's dad get along great, too.  But TJ is rare. It takes a someone very secure with their self and their relationship to be able to handle that, and that's hard to find.


You still have to have a relationship with the other parent. The romance may be gone but assuming that other parent is still in your child's life, you are still stuck with that person for the rest of your life. And if that other parent doesn't want to be civil, it could make for a very stressful life for yourself, and your child.


Being away from your child never gets easier. Never. After 5 years of sharing my time with Talon, I think it gets harder instead of easier. When he's gone for not even a day I'm ready to have him home. And fortunately for Talon he has a dad who wants to be with him as much as I do so that means sometimes going several days without him. And the house just feels empty.

 It's hard. The financial stress, the emotional stress, the physical stress. I remember my first weekend as a single parent. My family and I went to Michigan for my cousin's wedding. Talon was right in the middle of his terrible twos and he was not happy that weekend. He would cry, and cry, and cry. And the only thing that would help is me holding him. My parents tried to help but even they couldn't make him happy. I didn't get to enjoy spending time with my family because I was spending all of my time trying to make my grumpy baby, happy. If his dad were there, we could have taken turns trying to console him. But he wasn't. It was all on me, and that's when the reality of being a single parent hit me right square in the face. Not only do you not have help taking care of your child, but you now also have financial stress. Paying rent/house payment, utilities, groceries, all things that could be split if you were still with the parent of your child. But now you both are paying these separately, to live in two separate places. This means you are both probably working full time, maybe even two jobs, and leaving even less time you get to spend with your child. This is exactly why so many single parent homes are living in poverty. This can get me on another tangent but to spare myself the time, check out this article,  here.


It will affect your child. I really believe the relationship Talon's dad and I have couldn't get any better. But even still, it still effects Talon. He rarely gets to be with both of his parents at the same time. There are days he's with his dad and he misses his mom. There are days he's with me and he misses his dad. Furthermore, the stress mentioned above will also affect your child. And being a child of a parent(s) who is dating is hard, too. I didn't really bring Talon around anyone I dated, until TJ. I did this to protect him and I didn't want to think it was normal for people to come in and out of his life, but this turned out to be a double edged sword. Since he had my full attention for 5 years, it was tough on him when TJ and I started dating. Talon finally had to share my attention with someone else, and he didn't like it. It took time for him to accept him.

So here is my advice to future parents-- wait until you are in a stable relationship that you intend on lasting forever, and will fight for, before you have a child. 

Now I know that sometimes, no matter what you do, it's out of your control and it doesn't always work out. If that's the road you are headed down, here is my final advice to you--

Don't give up to easily. If your relationship with the other parent of your child is on the rocks, don't give up. If there is any chance that you can make that relationship work, do it. Talon's dad and I put each other through the ringer trying to make it work. I can honestly say we did everything we could. But at the end of the day, we both realized there was just something missing, something we couldn't change, so we cut ties and moved on, and I still feel confident we made the right decision.

Give yourself some space before you start dating. In any breakup, it's easy to cling on to someone else. It's a comfort thing. It's hard to go from always having someone around to not. And it's even easier to do so when you have a kid, because you do need that extra support. But dating someone for those reasons are the wrong reasons and its' just going to lead to another messy, complicated relationship, which is the last thing your child needs. 

When you do start dating, don't bring that person around your child too soon. You need to focus on your relationship with the person you are dating before your child enters the equation. You need to be sure you all have something first. Otherwise, if you bring your child in too soon then feelings for your child can be confused with feelings about the relationship. And by time you two realize that, your child is already attached to this person you are dating and will be the one who suffers when that relationship ends. 

Don't fight with your child's parent in front of your child. No matter how great your relationship with the parent of your child is, you will fight. Just like any relationship-- friendship, relationships with family members, marriage-- you are going to fight. And that's okay. What's not okay is doing it around your child. If they know that you two aren't getting along, it's going to make them feel awkward and uncomfortable, like you would be mad at them for liking the other parent. Children love their parents unconditionally. So it's not fair to ever make them feel like that's not okay. They shouldn't ever feel like they have to pick sides. 

Don't make your drama public. For the love of sweet baby Jesus, if you are mad at the parent of your child, don't post it on Facebook. It is absolutely no one's business but your own, and all it will do is just make the matters worse. You are a parent, be responsible and respectful and leave your dirty laundry at home.

Treat the other parent as you would want to be treated. Point blank.

Last but not least, it's not about you anymore. Once you have a kid, all decisions you make should be with their best interest in mind. That's if you are with the other parent or not. At the end of the day, we all want a good life for our children. And sometimes that means swallowing our pride, compromising, and accepting things even when we don't want to. 

Confession::

 

I've been debating on whether or not I wanted to continue my blog now that I'm no longer a 'single mom'. But what I'm learning is being a once single, now re-married mom is quite the adventure and a learning experience in itself, and I feel it's only right to share this new journey. :)