"Don't Ever Let Life Pass You By"

These last couple of weeks have been the most rude awakening, eye opening days I've probably ever had. What would you do if a doctor told you there was a good chance that you had cancer?

Waking up one Saturday morning with horrible stomach pains wasn't something I had in mind. I knew it was something serious, and a few hours later, I was in the operating room having an emergency open appendectomy. I wasn't upset about my illness or the surgery, I was mad that it interrupted my life. I missed a baseball game, family dinner, work, I missed my trip to DC that I was sooo looking forward too, I missed a final for a summer class which resulted in me having to withdraw which will again delay me graduating another semester, and most importantly, I couldn't even care for my son because I could barely care for myself. It was miserable. For the first time in a long time, my life was out of my control, and I hated it.

I went for my follow up appointment last Monday. Externally, everything looks great. The doc ordered more blood work to check my blood because the day I came to the ER, my white blood cell count and platelets were high, presumably form the infection that was in my appendix. I was on antibiotics while in the hospital and a week after my surgery so theory was, that should have fixed that issue. Tuesday morning I get a call from my surgeon. He informed me that my white blood cell count was still high and platelets were even higher. He then said, " I knew something more serious was going on with you." Then told me that he was going to get me in with a hematologist aka an oncologist ASAP. Two hours later, my parents and I were sitting in the Cancer Care Center at HMH. I didn't expect what I was about to hear next:: The oncologist told me that just by looking at my blood work, she thinks I have Leukemia. But after looking at me and physically examining me, she was now unsure because people with Leukemia aren't healthy, and I generally speaking, am.  She said she still felt like it could be Leukemia, but wasn't as sure now. The next step was to do more blood work and rule out any other possibilities before we did a bone marrow to test for Leukemia.

When I left the hospital that day, I didn't know what to think. What would go through your mind if someone told you there's a good chance you might have cancer? Well I'll tell you what went through mine. The first thing I think of when I think about cancer is death. Now I know it doesn't always result in death, as my mom is a cancer survivor, but it's obviously a possibility. The next thing I think about is being in a hospital for long periods of time undergoing treatment. Then I think about poor health and not being able to live your life like normal. I think about life forever changing as you know it. I wasn't ready for that. Is anyone eve ready for that? For me, there are still two things I want to do in life :: Fall in love and watch my sweet baby boy grow up. It's a scary thought to think that might not happen, or might not happen like I want it to.

The next blood test results were even higher BUT the Pathologist who reviewed it felt it wasn't Leukemic. Now that's some positive news. So now I am waiting on my oncologist to further review to see where we go from here.  At this point (and after doing some research myself), I feel pretty confident that it's not Leukemia. I do have a blood disorder but I believe it's a result of not fully resolving the problem with my appendix and the infection and once we figure out what it is, it can be treated. But honestly, either way, I'm not worried. I'm ready to take on whatever this is. Maybe it is just a blood disorder that I'll have to take medication for, maybe there still is an infection inside of me that some more antibiotics will cure, or maybe I do have Leukemia. Either way, I just want to know for sure so we can create a plan of action,  and I can move forward and live my life again. This last week, my life has been at a standstill. I've been in and out of the doctor and sitting by my phone, just waiting. Waiting for a phone call to see what's next. It's miserable. I don't feel good physically as it is from my surgery so when you add emotional stress as well, it really wears you down. I'm ready to have my life back.

With that being said, this entire experience has been a rude awakening, eye opening experience. First of all, it's been a reminder that we aren't promised tomorrow. We never know when our days will end. It's also been a reminder that your life can literally change in an instant. It's reminded me that I can't control everything.  And it's also reminded me what's most important to me in life. Everything I do in life, from my job, to school, and the groups I'm involved in, are my choice, and I absolutely love it. But at the end of the day, the most important thing is family, love, and sharing your life with someone. I've spent a lot of time with T Bizzle this week because I've been unable to go to work due to doctors appointments, etc., and I've really enjoyed this extra time. I've also spent even more time with my family by just laying on their couch and hanging out at their house. Being loved is an amazing feeling. I honestly have the most amazing family. But it also reminded me that I'm missing something, or in this case someone. I don't have anyone to come home to, to lay in my bed with, and just cry or vent to about home I'm feeling through this. Luckily, I have my family for that but there's just something different about having that person you love in a different way be there for you. I missed not having that person to be there for me.

All the time my dad says he raised me to be too independent. I never thought there was such a thing as 'too' independent, until now. I don't rely on anyone for anything, but I have learned that sometimes in life, you have too, and you need to. When my parents hint at the fact that I should be settling down, I always say, "  I'm only 26." But I've learned that age doesn't mean anything.  We all assume we have all the time in the world to do the things we want and the create the life that we want. But we don't. We never know when our days will end. I am at a point in my life where I am ready for the next chapter, so why not start now? 

** I didn't want to share what was going on with me until I knew for sure but for me, one of the best therapies is writing. I also wanted to share this to hopefully remind everyone not to take advantage of the time we are given. We truly never know what tomorrow will bring.  I will be sure to keep everyone posted as I learn more. As I've mentioned, I feel whatever is going on with me isn't as serious as initially thought. BUT I sure will be happy when I finally know.