Check Yo Self Before Ya Wreck Yo Self

It's crazy how easily you can get knocked off track in life. Maybe sometimes it's just a little bump, other times you might completely fall off the wagon, and a lot of times you don't even realize it's happening until after it does. I've been a victim of all three. How do you prevent this? Self-reflection. Spend some time at the end of each day or week and just reflect on it. Are you okay with the choices you made? Did things happen as you wanted them to? If not, why didn't they? I like to call it "Checking Yourself". And I have found that by doing this, you can prevent yourself from ending up somewhere you didn't intend on being. And this week, after some self reflection, I have found that here lately, I have started to lose focus, that I have let life fog up what's most important to me.

I haven't been to church in over four weeks. Granted, one week I was in the hospital and another I was out of town but the other two weeks, I either stayed up too late the night before or just decided to sleep in. The excuse I've given myself is that I'm just overwhelmed, and stressed right now with everything that's going on. But that's no excuse. Every day, each of us faces our own battles. That is life. And that should not be used as an excuse not to do something. If we wait for the moment in life when all circumstances are just right before we do something, then that something will never happen because that day will never come. There will never be a day when everything is perfect. Even when life is pretty close to perfect, there will still be a trial or tribulation, no matter how big or small, that we will have to face, so why use it as an excuse?

The thing that I find funny is why do we make excuses not to do something that we know will just better ourselves? Have you ever worked out and afterword’s said, “I wish I didn't do that.” Same with church. Have you ever gone and then afterwards said, “I wish I didn't do that?” I don't know about you but I never have. With both instances, after I leave, I feel motivated, refreshed, mentally and/or physically, and leave with a sense of clarity. So why would I ever make an excuse not to do those things?

Here's my conclusion: it's easy to find an excuse when your minds not right, when you let yourself get distracted , when you let life fog up what’s most important to you. You are in control of your life and the choices you make. I am in control of my life and the choices I make. No one or nothing else is.

So for me, my self-reflection this week ended with a reminder. A reminder to stop focusing on the things that don't add value or benefit to my life, and focus only on the things that do. 

In the words of Ice Cube, check yo self before you wreck yo self.  

Sitting, Waiting, Wishing

I never imagined one trip the ER would lead to 1 surgery, 2 nights in the hospital, 3 CT scans, 4 rounds of antibiotics, 8 blood tests, 4 doctors appointments, 6 trips to the hospital, losing 10 pounds, taking Aspirin daily, and me being able to list a surgeon and an oncologist as my doctors, all in 3 weeks. But then again, I also never imagined my 5 year old son would try to encourage me to do online dating, but that's besides the point. My point is, life is full of surprises. Sometimes life is great, and other times you are that kid in a pink bunny costume whose stuck in a swing...

Last week when I left the doctor, I had a sense of hope. My white blood count and platelet count were dropping, and so long as they did, we would just monitor it and hope whatever is going on with me would just correct itself. So when I went for blood work today, I just knew the news would continue to be good. But after getting my results, my hope was yanked right from under me. My white blood count and platelet count are as high as they've ever been. I knew this before my doctor did because after getting your blood work done so many times, you learn the system. I picked up my results as soon as I could. So then I was just waiting, waiting for my Oncologist to call and tell me what I already knew::it's time to do a Bone Marrow Biopsy.

I am anxious yet also relieved. The hardest part of this process has been the testing and waiting, testing and waiting, and waiting, and waiting. Waiting for something more minor to show up that could be the cause of my blood issues. But nothing, so it's hard not to speculate that this could be something serious. It's emotionally draining. So I'm very relieved that I will soon know once and for all.

So what will the bone marrow biopsy tell us? It will tell us if I have a blood disorder, and it will tell us if I have Leukemia. Hopefully it will tell us that I don't have either of those, and the problem is something else. Something that we just can't figure out....

As I was sitting at the hospital today waiting to do more tests then getting the undesirable results, I was getting frustrated. Frustrated that I was having to go through this inconvenience. But I was quickly reminded that it could be worse. It can always be worse. There was a little boy about Talon's age doing blood work. There was also another little boy about Talon's age getting a CT scan too. Both of their mom's were just clenching them tight trying to comfort them. I don't know what they were getting these tests for but it brought tears to my eyes. As a mother, I can't even imagine. The worst feeling in the world is when your child is hurt or sick and there is nothing you can do to make it better. I am so thankful this is happening to me and not Talon. I am so thankful I have a sweet, healthy, happy, and sometimes whiny beautiful little boy. :)

My bone marrow biopsy is Friday. It will take 1-2 weeks before I get the results back. Cross your fingers for good results. Cross your toes that I don't scream like a little girl when they stick that needle in my bone and suck out that marrow. And cross your arms that they get what they need with that needle and don't have to chip off a piece of my bone. Ooooouch!! I expect to be babied all day Friday :) :)

I will end this blog with a song. This one is dedicated to my blood::

"Don't Ever Let Life Pass You By"

These last couple of weeks have been the most rude awakening, eye opening days I've probably ever had. What would you do if a doctor told you there was a good chance that you had cancer?

Waking up one Saturday morning with horrible stomach pains wasn't something I had in mind. I knew it was something serious, and a few hours later, I was in the operating room having an emergency open appendectomy. I wasn't upset about my illness or the surgery, I was mad that it interrupted my life. I missed a baseball game, family dinner, work, I missed my trip to DC that I was sooo looking forward too, I missed a final for a summer class which resulted in me having to withdraw which will again delay me graduating another semester, and most importantly, I couldn't even care for my son because I could barely care for myself. It was miserable. For the first time in a long time, my life was out of my control, and I hated it.

I went for my follow up appointment last Monday. Externally, everything looks great. The doc ordered more blood work to check my blood because the day I came to the ER, my white blood cell count and platelets were high, presumably form the infection that was in my appendix. I was on antibiotics while in the hospital and a week after my surgery so theory was, that should have fixed that issue. Tuesday morning I get a call from my surgeon. He informed me that my white blood cell count was still high and platelets were even higher. He then said, " I knew something more serious was going on with you." Then told me that he was going to get me in with a hematologist aka an oncologist ASAP. Two hours later, my parents and I were sitting in the Cancer Care Center at HMH. I didn't expect what I was about to hear next:: The oncologist told me that just by looking at my blood work, she thinks I have Leukemia. But after looking at me and physically examining me, she was now unsure because people with Leukemia aren't healthy, and I generally speaking, am.  She said she still felt like it could be Leukemia, but wasn't as sure now. The next step was to do more blood work and rule out any other possibilities before we did a bone marrow to test for Leukemia.

When I left the hospital that day, I didn't know what to think. What would go through your mind if someone told you there's a good chance you might have cancer? Well I'll tell you what went through mine. The first thing I think of when I think about cancer is death. Now I know it doesn't always result in death, as my mom is a cancer survivor, but it's obviously a possibility. The next thing I think about is being in a hospital for long periods of time undergoing treatment. Then I think about poor health and not being able to live your life like normal. I think about life forever changing as you know it. I wasn't ready for that. Is anyone eve ready for that? For me, there are still two things I want to do in life :: Fall in love and watch my sweet baby boy grow up. It's a scary thought to think that might not happen, or might not happen like I want it to.

The next blood test results were even higher BUT the Pathologist who reviewed it felt it wasn't Leukemic. Now that's some positive news. So now I am waiting on my oncologist to further review to see where we go from here.  At this point (and after doing some research myself), I feel pretty confident that it's not Leukemia. I do have a blood disorder but I believe it's a result of not fully resolving the problem with my appendix and the infection and once we figure out what it is, it can be treated. But honestly, either way, I'm not worried. I'm ready to take on whatever this is. Maybe it is just a blood disorder that I'll have to take medication for, maybe there still is an infection inside of me that some more antibiotics will cure, or maybe I do have Leukemia. Either way, I just want to know for sure so we can create a plan of action,  and I can move forward and live my life again. This last week, my life has been at a standstill. I've been in and out of the doctor and sitting by my phone, just waiting. Waiting for a phone call to see what's next. It's miserable. I don't feel good physically as it is from my surgery so when you add emotional stress as well, it really wears you down. I'm ready to have my life back.

With that being said, this entire experience has been a rude awakening, eye opening experience. First of all, it's been a reminder that we aren't promised tomorrow. We never know when our days will end. It's also been a reminder that your life can literally change in an instant. It's reminded me that I can't control everything.  And it's also reminded me what's most important to me in life. Everything I do in life, from my job, to school, and the groups I'm involved in, are my choice, and I absolutely love it. But at the end of the day, the most important thing is family, love, and sharing your life with someone. I've spent a lot of time with T Bizzle this week because I've been unable to go to work due to doctors appointments, etc., and I've really enjoyed this extra time. I've also spent even more time with my family by just laying on their couch and hanging out at their house. Being loved is an amazing feeling. I honestly have the most amazing family. But it also reminded me that I'm missing something, or in this case someone. I don't have anyone to come home to, to lay in my bed with, and just cry or vent to about home I'm feeling through this. Luckily, I have my family for that but there's just something different about having that person you love in a different way be there for you. I missed not having that person to be there for me.

All the time my dad says he raised me to be too independent. I never thought there was such a thing as 'too' independent, until now. I don't rely on anyone for anything, but I have learned that sometimes in life, you have too, and you need to. When my parents hint at the fact that I should be settling down, I always say, "  I'm only 26." But I've learned that age doesn't mean anything.  We all assume we have all the time in the world to do the things we want and the create the life that we want. But we don't. We never know when our days will end. I am at a point in my life where I am ready for the next chapter, so why not start now? 

** I didn't want to share what was going on with me until I knew for sure but for me, one of the best therapies is writing. I also wanted to share this to hopefully remind everyone not to take advantage of the time we are given. We truly never know what tomorrow will bring.  I will be sure to keep everyone posted as I learn more. As I've mentioned, I feel whatever is going on with me isn't as serious as initially thought. BUT I sure will be happy when I finally know.

Carpe Diem, For Reals.

Everyone has heard the quotes, "Never put off till tomorrow what you can do today," or "Carpe Diem." Many people claim that they live by these quotes. But do they really? 

Throughout my dating life, I've met all kinds of guys at different points in their life. Most were ready to settle down, a few (usually the ones I was interested in), weren't. All of these guys who weren't ready to settle down had the same reasons:: they had things to do and/or a world to explore first. They wanted to seize the day, their dreams, and opportunities presented before them. One wanted to wait for his kids to grow up first before he settled down, another wanted to pursue a musical career, and another just wanted to explore the world a little while longer. And because of these things, they were putting off having a serious relationship, getting married, and having a family. So here's my question, are they really seizing the day?

Carpe diem means seize the day. It means not to put off till tomorrow what you can do today. It means make the most of opportunities presented before you. It means to live each moment as if it's your last. It means to just live! But why for so many does it exclude falling in love and being in a relationship? Shouldn't that be a part of it? Why is it that so many people feel that once they are in a serious relationship or get married, their life ends. The fun ends. The adventure ends. Their dreams end. To me, that's when your life begins. Why wouldn't you want someone to explore the world with? Or someone to pursue your dreams with? Or someone to just share life with? Wouldn't it make it more meaningful?

I've said it once, and I'll say it again:: what good is life, your successes, your accomplishments, if you have no one to share them with?

That's something I miss so much, and look forward to having again, forever.

So here's what I say: Seize the day, every day. Don't pass up any opportunities because you might not get another chance, and that includes falling in love.