Do Something

Alright friends, I’ll admit what has finally pushed myself to blog again is out of frustration. I should probably clarify, I love to blog, it’s just finding the time, because well, kids. And allll the time I’m like “I’m going to make time.  Tonight’s the night.” Then, well, kids.

So what finally got me here? Facebook. And other comments I’ve repetitively heard lately.

“The world is bad. Blah blah blah. Our kids are going to grow up in a bad world. Blah blah blah.”…. and that’s not what gets me. This is what gets me….

“And it’s because <insert a Christian prohibition excuse here>” 

Mainly--- it is the way it is because ‘they’ don’t allow Jesus and the Bible in school anymore.  

Friends, ‘bad’ things aren’t happening because the Bible isn’t being taught in school. Bad things are happening because WE aren’t doing anything to prevent them.

And by doing anything, I don’t mean praying. Praying is a wonderful thing, but prayer is for the prayer, not the prayee. God didn’t call upon us to tell Him what action HE needs to take. He called upon us to take that action.

Pray about it then DO SOMETHING! Anything! If it’s regarding a particular person, send that person a message of encouragement. If it’s about a condition or an event, take action to fix it. Push yourself out of your comfort zone.

Jesus and the Bible ARE allowed in the schools and in any public and private institution in the world through each of us. Each of us were called to walk the walk, not just talk the talk. And it’s our duties to teach our children to do the same. Teaching your child to sit with the ‘outcast’ kid in their school is bringing Jesus into the school. Teaching your child not to bully or make fun of others is bringing Jesus into the school.

If our lives are comfortable and neat, we are doing it wrong. It’s supposed to be messy, vulnerable, and at times uncomfortable. And I mean this when I say, I’m just as guilty as the rest. But step one is being self-aware, right? J  

Instead of watching Oprah in the break room on your lunch break, go to a local school and have lunch with a child whose world has just been turned upside down because they’ve been removed from their home because their parents are drug addicts, to show him that there are LOTS of people who do care about him and he is worth so much more than he could ever imagine. Instead of buying your daughter 20 new outfits for back to school, buy her 19 and buy a child whose family can barely afford to put food on the table 1 new outfit that they can feel proud and confident in. Instead of complaining about that person begging for money on the side of the street, give money to United Way who is providing skills and interventions those individuals need to be able to support themselves.

None of us are above being a part of the solution to the problems that exist in our community. It is on each and every one of us, Christian or not, but especially those who proclaim such as that is what God has called us to do. That is our purpose.

And when you feel overwhelmed, just listen to one of my favorite songs, Do Something by Matthew West then let’s have lunch and talk about alllll the ways that you can make a difference!

I Can't Make This Stuff Up

My night last night---

Since I knew bad storms were inevitable, I decided to pack up the kids and sleep in the basement so we could sleep through it. Otherwise, I knew I'd be up all night checking the weather to see if I needed to move the kids downstairs. Plus Talon gets the worst exciting anxiety when storms are coming (it's like a thrill to him, he loves it but it makes him anxious, and he really needs a thunder buddy shirt) So if I wanted to get any sleep, I knew it would just make sense to start in the basement with everyone.

Or so I thought.....

Talon & TJ fall sleep on the sectional with the dogs, I put Taylor to bed in her pop n' play in the spare bedroom with me. I laid a light blanket down to protect her from the plastic-ness of the bottom. She falls asleep, and I finally lay down at 11:30pm.

It took forever for me to get comfortable in a bed that wasn't the one I normally sleep in and with a loud nose breathing baby near me. When I finally almost did, Taylor starts rustling around. I went to check on her and realized she was now sleeping on the plastic bottom which is likely why she couldn't get comfortable. I didn't want to put a thick blanket in there because I didn't want her to suffocate because as a parent of a baby, the world trains you to be terrified of SIDs. Not trying to downplay it at all as I know it's real and a risk, just that you can't help to become overly paranoid about it thanks to the internet.

So I decided to put her in bed with me (which is a SIDs risk in itself, but anyways)....

But not before asking my husband to go upstairs to turn on the air because I was burning up and can't sleep when I'm hot.

That's where it went even more wrong.

Taylor has never slept in our bed. And it showed last night. She didn't want to sleep next to me, she wanted to sleep on me.

First she started off on my chest, then just her head on my chest and legs on the bed. Then her head on my stomach and legs on the bed. Then her head on my legs and her legs on the bed. Then her whole body on the bed next to my feet. And she would sit up for a minute between transitions. Once she finally landed by my feet, it seemed all was well and that she was finally falling asleep.

But then I noticed that it was still hot in the room and realized the vent was closed since we never use that room. I'm sweating at this point. And I had sinus pressure building in my nose because I'm allergic to dogs which is why ours mostly stay in the basement. I needed my allergy medicine and to open up the vent but neither were an option because I didn't want to risk moving and waking Taylor up.

It's now 1:00am. Taylor starts rustling around again and at that point, I'm over it. I get up, put Taylor back in her pop n' play, she's crying, I ask my husband to open up the vent, I go upstairs and with the help of my husband bring Taylor's giant swing downstairs, the one we don't let her sleep in anymore, plug it up, and put her to sleep in it. Meanwhile the dogs break through the gate that was keeping them in the living room and are now running amock in the bedroom.

I can't make this up people. I was in tears from laughing at this point. This. This is our life.

But then it gets better. TJ goes back to sleep. Taylor falls asleep. I crawl into the bed that is finally cooled off from the air coming from the vent and all seemed well.

THEN I started thinking....

Taylor is in a metal swing, next to the window, that is plugged in, and the lightening is getting pretty bad.

So I Googled "Can a baby get struck by lightening when in a swing that's plugged in?". <--- This is just a glimpse of what Google gets from me.

After reading those results, I also read that I was a bad mom for letting my baby sleep in a swing because she could suffocate.

Again with the suffocating?? Seriously.

So I decided I'd stay awake a little while longer and once she was out, out, I'd unplug the swing to take away the 'death by swing electrocution' risk and would finally be able to sleep.

It's now 1:30am. I hear the baby snores so I get up, and sneak over to the swing to unplug it, and the girl sits straight up in her swing and looks right at me.

I decided to take my chances, left it plugged in, slowly walked away backwords, crawled back into bed, and went to sleep at 2:00am.

Meanwhile, I never once heard the storms and Talon slept great last night.

Next time, I'll take our chances and we are all sleeping in our own rooms.

All The Things

Well today was one of those days. One of those “this is the life of a mom” days. A day where I had to figure out how to do all the things.

I woke up with the worst sinus pressure. I just wanted to take the day off and sleep. But today was not that day. I had too much to do at work and too many Mom duties to do. Is there ever a good day to be sick? 

If you are a mom, the answer is no. 

First I had to take Taylor Grace to the doctor. The lime green snot that was coming out of her nose told me that her cold turned into an infection, an ear infection to be exact. After the doctor, I picked up her antibiotic, dropped her off to my mother-in-law, and then headed into work. I attempted to get as much done at work before heading back out to go to Talon’s school to have lunch with him and drop off some treats for his class to celebrate his birthday, as I had promised. After going back to work to finish up some things, I was convinced that the sinus pressure was definitely going to make my head explode and I’m pretty sure my body was sensing the same as I was starting to ache all over. I cut my day short, came home, and finally laid down.

Luckily T-Bone was celebrating his birthday with his dad tonight because it was a cereal for dinner kind of night at the Garrett house.

And while today would have been a perfect day to end with a glass of wine, I decided a glass of orange juice would serve me better.

But we are all out. Because my husband drank the rest of it. And I'm pretty sure he never drinks orange juice, until today. 

This. This is the mom life.

But on that note, it was so worth the smile and excitement my big cutie had when I showed up at his school today. 

And it was so worth the extra snuggles I got from Taylor while rocking her to sleep, which I usually don’t do, but I knew that congested little mouth breather needed the extra love tonight.

And on another note, its days like these that make me even more thankful for my support system—to work for an organization that gives me the flexibility to take time away from work when needed to care for my children and myself and to have co-workers fill in for me while I’m out. And for a family who is always there to help out, even when it means taking care of a sick kiddo. 

When I fall short, they are always there to pick me back up. And for that, I am grateful. 

The New Mom Funk

Have you ever been in a funk? Have you ever been in a funk and didn’t realize it? Well that’s been me for the last 18 months.

For 9 of those months, I was pregnant, and sick, and sick. And did I mention sick? For months I could barely even get out of bed much less worry what I look like. I went from wearing fitted clothing, skirts and heels to sweatpants and a sports bra. If I had to go out in public, I would put on just enough makeup to not scare a small child.

Then the next 9 months, I had a baby. A sweet, tiny-ish, adorable, sleep-sucking baby that demands every bit of my attention. That Taylor Grace, she’s amazing. She’s such a blessing to me and our family but ya’ll, that girl is exhausting! Then add her super-active in sports brother who has games and practices 4-5 nights a week, work, dinner, laundry, house cleaning, a husband and the sometimes-debilitating effects of living with leukemia, and lipstick and my big fancy earrings become a thing of the past.

I knew how it was impacting me physically (sleep, need more sleep) but I didn’t realize how it was affecting my appearance. And not in a bad way, just in a way that wasn’t the typical ‘me’. My attire to work has been more of what I call ‘comfy’ clothes. Pants, flat boots, a plain top, nothing fancy. A big part of that was because I, well, just had a baby. All you momma’s out there know how long it takes for your body to get back to ‘normal’, which isn’t the same as it was before you were pregnant, whether you lose all the weight or not. And while your body is going through all that fun changing, again, wearing fitted clothing and heels just doesn’t seem enticing.

So ‘comfy’ clothes, basic makeup, nothing fancy is what it’s been for the last several months.

And then one day while scrolling through my newsfeed on Facebook, I came across a live video by Ali Scott. She was putting on makeup. I was intrigued. I don’t know if I ever really watched anyone put on makeup before. Heck I’m not even sure if anyone every taught me how to put on makeup. It’s been trial and error since my early teens. She does multiple videos a week and every time I see one, I’m like a kid watching a you tube video of another kid opening up eggs—I can’t stop watching! Seriously, if you haven’t watched one of her videos, do it. The art in makeup explains why I’ve never been really good at it. But she makes it seem so easy! So easy that I decided to give some of her tricks a whirl. And I didn’t totally screw it up, well to my standards anyways. :) 

From that point, I started to put forth some effort with my makeup again. But it didn’t stop there. One evening while looking in my closet trying to decide what to wear to work, I cast my eyes on my collection of heels and thought to myself ‘ let’s give these guys a try tomorrow’.  And guys, it was like something snapped. Where have these been all my life?

Or last couple of years?

I felt like myself again. I’m making time for myself again. For me. I’m not doing this to try to impress others, just myself. When you leave the house with two kids in tow (who you’ve managed to keep alive), rocking a pair of heels, an outfit you feel comfortable and cute in, and lipstick on, you feel like you can take whatever life throws at you that day—whether it be something big at the office, or the worst diaper blow out you’ve ever laid your eyes on.

Now don’t get me wrong, there are still some days I resort to the ‘comfy’ clothes and shoes and basic makeup, and those days I do love, but those are no longer the only days.

So if you are feeling like you are in a funk, or just don’t feel like yourself, put on some lipstick.  It works.

Confession:

So when I say I’m not trying to impress anyone, only myself, I’m not telling the full truth. I’m also trying to impress my husband. Hear me out before you judge. My husband loves me for me. The scary morning hair, dark under-eye circles, saggy mom boobs, and not toned at all body, me. He’s never ever made me feel that any of me was not okay or unattractive. But as a wife, I always want to be my best for my husband. Look my best, feel my best, act my best, do my best (at work, with our family, and in life).  I always want him to look at me and say “damn, my wife is fine!” – and he has proven that he will even when I’m not at all near my best so because of that, it encourages me to want to be my best even more.

EOY Reset

Guys, I’ve spent the last 11 days on Christmas vacation and it was everything it could ever be. It was glorious. I took naps, I stayed in my pjs the majority of the time, I shopped, I cooked, sometimes three meals a day, I spent time with family, I decluttered, I snuggled my little gal (and my big guy when he would let me), watched mindless tv and sleep-trained a baby! All this despite Taylor being sick the first 6 days and me the last. It was still ah-maze-ing. So amazing, I’m going to attempt to take the last week of the year off every year. 

It’s the first time in I don’t know how long that I just lived and didn’t revolve my life around packed tight schedules and to-do lists. It was a great end of the year/beginning of the new year reset. 

I even disconnected from work. It was tempting to work on some projects but I made myself refrain. I did respond to a couple of emails that a ‘yes’ or ‘no’ reply would suffice but ones that required more thinking and weren’t urgent, my response was “let’s connect about this next week” and let me tell ya, it felt sooooo good. (Now on the flip side, I am a little anxious going back to work tomorrow knowing the huge list of projects I need to work on and the fact that I haven’t in 11 days BUT I’m going to try to remind myself to take it one 8 hour day at a time.)

I only made one New Year resolution this year (and it’s to cut out the sweets—more about that later) but if I were to make another, it would be to quit overwhelming myself. I’m good at that. At work, at home, in life. For some reason I like to challenge myself to do as many things as humanely possible in a 24 hour period. And that that leads to is me being stressed, overwhelmed, and on a constant rat race and never allows me to fully enjoy the moment. And these past 11 days, I was reminded what it feels like to not be that way and it was wonderful. Here’s to more of that in 2017.

Cheers, friends!

No Sugar Coating Here

I’ve had so much on my mind here lately about life. And I’ve had so many people ask me about it, particularly my health, especially some other ladies with CML who are wanting to have more children and have been following my journey. Well, here it is, my life as of late.

Taylor Grace is almost 6 months old and it’s been an amazing, emotional, exhausting, but so totally worth it 6 months. She was well worth the hyperemesis and risk involved by having her. She’s been a blessing to all of our lives and I’m so thankful for her. I mean seriously, how could you ever be in a bad mood when you wake up to this (and her big brother) every morning? Our days are filled with even more joy than before. I love my babes.

But if I’m being completely honest, and that’s what my blog is all about, then you should know that life has never been tougher.

I started my treatment again a few weeks after having Taylor and in the beginning, the side effects weren’t so bad. I was hopeful that was a sign that it wouldn’t be so bad this time but unfortunately that hasn’t been the case. The effects have gotten worse with time, arguably worse than they were before I stopped treatment to have Taylor.

Most days are a struggle to get through. The extreme fatigue has never been worse. And I’m not talking “new mom” tiredness, though I know that definitely plays a role, and also having low blood counts plays a role, but until you have a chronic condition that comes with extreme fatigue, it’s hard to explain what it feels like. It’s like a fog that comes over you. When it hits you, you have no option but to lay down and rest until it passes. There is no fighting through it, you can’t focus or concentrate when it hits. You are at the mercy of it. It literally feels like the life gets sucked out of you. And it is so, so frustrating. It’s hard to get through some work days. And when I get home, it’s hard to do my domestic work, such as cooking, cleaning, taking Talon to/from practice and taking care of Taylor. There are days I come home from work and go straight to bed. There are days I want to skip dinner but not only do I have a kiddo to feed, but I also have to make myself eat dinner so I have a full enough stomach to take my medicine on, otherwise I’ll get sick. I can’t say I didn’t know this was a likely possibility. This was how my life was before having Taylor, except now it’s just worse, and unrealistically I had hoped it would get easier. Luckily I have an amazing husband who steps in and does so much for all of us, but it’s still so frustrating. As a mother, it’s hard to accept that you can never be ‘super mom’. As much as I want to say “I’ve got this”, I know I don’t on my own. I NEED TJ, I need his support, physically and emotionally.

Because I’m limited on how much energy I know I’ll have for the day, I focus it on the things I know HAVE to be done then I’m spent, I’m done, stick a fork in me. I miss out on moments with my kiddos and my husband because there are times I just don’t have the energy to get off the couch once I get home from work. They are the ones who get the short end of the stick. I’m not saying every day is like this, but a lot of them are.

A lot of days my goal is to just get through the day, and that’s such a frustrating way to live.

But then I come home to these sweet, smiling faces and it forces me to let go of the frustration because if feeling this way is what it takes to spend my days with these guys, I’ll take it.

 But it has made me realize that even though I’d love to continue to grow our family, that’s likely not in the cards for us. First there is the fact that there is risk involved when having children since I have to stop treatment while pregnant. There was a moment when I was pregnant with Taylor and my leukemia began progressing that really worried me. Not for the sake of me but for the sake of Talon.” Was wanting another child worth Talon having to grow up without having a mother? Shouldn’t he be enough?” He was more than enough and in that moment I felt so selfish. But I’m so happy we did it because we now have a Taylor and she is pretty amazing. But to risk both of them having to grow up without a mother, I can’t do it. And even if we decided to, and we were able to have another little cutie, then there is the fact that I would likely be even more tired, and exhausted because having two little ones is obviously more work than one, and I would continue to feel guilty and saddened about the fact that I would be missing out on moments of not one, not two, but three kiddos. They deserve a mother who can give their all to them and I can’t keep pushing myself or they will be the ones who lose. And while my husband has been super dad and super husband, I can’t keep pushing him either. I will say having Taylor has made our relationship so much stronger. He’s a great father to both of our kiddos, he’s really stepped up to the plate, and it has changed him in such a way that has made me fall even deeper in love with him. I’ve loved being on this journey with him, and the last thing I want to do it push him to take on more than he (or anyone) could handle. But all of this, I’m okay with. We have two healthy and beautiful kiddos, he picks up where I slack, he still loves me unconditionally, and I get to spend all of my days with all of them. Though it’s not always how I want to spend them, I really couldn’t ask for anything more. Actually if I could ask for something more, it would be to stop getting frustrated and accept this is my life, this is my health, and though it’s not what it was, I’m still here and still get to enjoy a pretty amazing life with people who fill my heart more than I could have ever hoped for. 

I will gladly accept prayers for that ask. :)

For a REAL health update---

For my CML people—My PCR climbed in the 20%s while pregnant but held steady and no sign of blast cells. 2 months after having Taylor and starting treatment, it went down to 4%. 2 months after that, it went to .34%. I go in for my next round of testing next week and we will see where it is then.

For all my other friends, PCR is essentially the measure of how many of your blood cells are leukemic. If treatment is working like it should, it should be zero. While being at zero is more unlikely than likely, it is possible. Regardless, being under .1% is where you want to be, though I’m not there yet, I hope these next rounds of tests will say otherwise. :) It won’t have any effect on how I feel but does give a peace of mind of the likelihood of the disease progressing. 

A Non-Father's Day Post

So my husband doesn’t like attention or public praise. He’s a ‘fly under the radar’ kinda guy. If he knew I was going to write a post about him and how he’s such a great dad, he’d throw a fit. So instead, I decided to write a post about me and how he’s such a great support to me, so really, this post is about me. :)

When deciding whether or not to have another child, not taking my medication for 9 months and knowing the risk it could impose was not the only thing we had to take into consideration- we also had to think about every day after those 9 months. If you’ve followed my CML journey then you know that the worst part of having this type of leukemia is learning to cope with the side effects that comes along with the treatment—mainly nausea, headaches, and extreme fatigue. It’s not uncommon for me to have to randomly lay down in the middle of the day because I feel so sick and tired. I have limitations now on what I can and can’t do. I go to bed at 9pm every night because my body needs a lot of rest. I have to eat dinner at a certain time every day or I’ll end up getting sick. I can’t overdo it or I’ll pay for it later. This is something I’ve been learning how to deal with for the last 4 years and I’ve really had to depend on my family for help and support. Sometimes it’s hard to get through a full work day, especially 5 days in a row. By time I get home, sometimes I barely have any energy to cook dinner or run Talon to/from the ballpark or do the housework. Sometimes I have to depend on TJ to do it so I can lay down because I just feel so sick. There are some days Talon has to entertain himself because I just can’t do it. These were all things I really thought about before we decided to have another baby. "Days can be tough now. Can we really add a baby into the mix?"

 I knew that if we were going to do this, I was going to have to depend on TJ more than ever. I had to expect from him more than what’s often expected from the typical father.

And here we are, almost 3 months later after bringing sweet Taylor into this world, and TJ is everything I’ve needed him to be, and more. He feeds Taylor, he changes her diaper, he gives baby baths, he washes bottles, he’ll spend time with Talon, he’ll drop off/pick up the kids. And my favorite part, he lets me sleep. In those moments that I have to lay down and rest, I can. And not only I can, but I can knowing that everything will continue on just fine without me. When Taylor gets up between 4am-5am in the morning to eat, TJ gets up with her then. Every, single, night, so I can sleep. And he does all of this without ask (most times :) or complaint. He just does it. And it’s because of this that I am able to not just get through the day, but enjoy each day with our family.

I couldn’t ask for a better support to me or for a better leader to our tribe.