Only Child Expiring Soon

Nine years ago this guy came into this world and stole my heart and life has been nothing short of amazing ever since. He’s shown me a love that I never knew existed and I’m getting ready to share that same love with another child. <3

Nine years is a long time being an only child, and for 5 of those years, it was just me and him and he had my undivided attention. So when TJ and I got married in 2014, it was an adjustment for Talon, and he’s still adjusting. And now he’s getting ready to have to share my attention yet again with his soon to be sister.

First I should start by saying that Talon is so completely excited about having a sister. Technically he wanted a brother but I convinced him having a sister will be great too. :) When he talks about her/me, it’s not “mom’s having a baby”, it’s ‘WE'RE having a baby’ or ‘when OUR baby gets here…’, and it completely melts my heart. Talon has such a sweet and loving heart and I have no doubt that he will be the best big brother.

But I also know that it’s going to be a little tough on him at first, because she will demand so much of my time, especially in the beginning, so I’ve been trying to prepare him (and myself) for what’s to come to make this change as easy as possible on him.

I first realized I needed to be more sensitive to him towards this big change a couple months back when TJ and I were putting together furniture for Taylor’s room. If you are like me, putting together furniture with a million pieces can cause some anxiety and irritability, so when Talon said he wanted to help, I told him no way, that it would be best for him to just hang out in his room and let us take care of it. Well, that didn’t go over well. He’s feelings were hurt and he stomped off to his room. First I was mad for how he reacted, but then I thought about why he reacted that way—he didn’t feel included. TJ and I were doing something together for Taylor and he felt left out. I finally got it. And I felt so bad.

So the next day, I had to put together some shelves for the dresser so I invited Talon to help, and to no surprise, he was a great helper and it made him so happy. It made me happy, too. And ever since that moment, I’ve made sure to include him in as many things regarding Taylor as possible so he wouldn’t feel left out again.

He helped to paint her nightstand, he’s helped to organize her entire room, he’s helped to do her laundry and fold her clothes, and we even went to a “Big Brother” baby class so he could learn how to help take care of her, and he’s loved every bit of it.

On top of that, we’ve had that conversation that since Taylor will need so much of my time at first that I would really have to depend on him to help. And not just helping with Taylor, but taking on some ‘big kid’ responsibilities. I’m not ashamed to admit that Talon is slightly babied by his momma. I mean, he is my baby boy after all. But I also realize that it is time for him to be a little more independent because he is 9 and overall that is what is best for him. Even if I want to, I can’t baby him my whole life. I want him to grow up to be responsible, independent and able to take care of himself so he can also one day take care of his own family and those expectations have to begin way before then. And I’ve learned that even at the age of 9, giving some responsibilities to him has been empowering to him. It makes him feel ‘big’ when he does things that I used to do for him, and he hasn’t felt like “mom can’t take care of me anymore since she’s having another baby’. It’s been the complete opposite, and it’s only made our relationship even better.

He now sets his own alarm every morning for school and gets himself up, starts his own shower, and gets completely dressed and ready, room straightened, bed made, dirty clothes put up, takes his allergy medicine and vitamin, and teeth brushed for 2 minutes, and ready to go before I’m even ready to go. That in itself has been a HUGE relief in the mornings because before, it was me doing/reminding him to do all of this which normally resulted in us rushing and/or running behind. To help, I got him a tooth brush timer and a pill case so I’m not having to get his medicine out for him every morning.

He even cleaned his own bathroom last week when I was cleaning house. And get this, he VOLUNTEERED to do it. It was amazing.

So while I know this is only the beginning and it’s still probably going to be a little rough/adjusting to once Taylor gets here, I still have no doubt that he’s going to be the best big brother and such a good supporter to even me and because of that, I feel so completely blessed.

Confession: 

I wanted to get Talon some special gifts for when Taylor arrives. Here's a sneak peak---

Then And Now

Having a child when you are 20 versus having a child when you are 30 are two completely different experiences.

I'm sure you’ve seen those commercials that depict a first time mom verses a mom having her second child. First time moms are usually extremely cautious, follow all the rules, are big germaphobs, and big worriers. By time the second child comes along, all the rules go out the window and it’s not uncommon for the 5 second rule to be applied in the event the pacifier hits the floor (after putting it in your mouth to clean it off first before giving it back to baby of course). I’m sure all my mom friends of more than one kid can attest to this. 

But let me tell you, when there is a 9 year gap between your first and second AND you had your first when you were basically a kid yourself, that typical depiction definitely doesn’t apply. 

And here’s why…

I had Talon 2 weeks before my 21^st birthday. I couldn’t even legally have a glass of wine but created a life. Crazy, right? I was only a couple of years into my adulthood, recently divorced, and still trying to figure out who the hell I was. If you haven’t ever read My HardestConfession, I would highly recommend it. And in the middle of all that, I was getting ready to become a mom. Because I knew very little about babies (aside from what I learned by being an aunt, twice) and because we hadn’t yet built up a savings, we were dependent upon hand me downs, others telling us what we needed and what to do, and just learning as we went. Talon’s crib was a hand me down and I never thought to check it for any recalls or safety issues. While I was able to register for things for his room, I didn’t get to prepare his nursery exactly how I wanted (and even if I could wouldn’t have even known where to begin). And I registered for all those waste of money items—you know, that Diaper Genie, bottle warmer, and wipe warmer. While I’m definitely not complaining because we were so blessed and lucky to have such a supportive family make sure we had everything we needed and more, we were definitely winging it. I’m sure I ate lots of things during my pregnancy that were a big no no. And even though I was underage, I still had a small glass of wine at my sister’s wedding and a small glass of champagne on New Year’s (I know a lot of you just gasped). 

And even after Talon was born, two weeks later we left him overnight with his grandma so we could go out and celebrate my 21^st birthday with my family and friends. Before he was a year old, he took his first cab ride, and it wasn’t on vacation in Chicago or New York, it was in E ’town, KY. Yep. His dad and I went to a friend’s house to hang out and brought Talon with us and put him to bed in our friend’s room (we did bring the baby monitor if that counts for anything). We both had some drinks and the plan was to stay that night there. Well, after a few hours we decided we wanted to stay in our own bed so what did we do? What any responsible, slightly intoxicated parents would do, called a cab, loaded up the car seat, and went home. Never mind the fact that we were both drinking and if an emergency arose in the night, neither of us would have been able to drive. Why am I admitting this? It’s definitely not because I’m proud of it, that’s for sure. It’s because luckily I grew up.  Looking back, I laugh and almost cry and wonder how Talon survived with such young, inexperienced parents but somehow he turned out healthy, smart, and into a good kid.

Now flash forward 9 years later, this pregnancy is so completely different.

First of all, let’s talk about the baby room. Since this pregnancy was planned and TJ and I have good, steady careers, we actually had a budget for purchasing baby things--- in this example the nursery. Instead of relying on hand me downs (again nothing wrong with them), I’ve been able to buy the things that I want. And I didn’t just buy things to buy things, I actually did my research. I learned from Talon’s crib that most cribs aren’t made for vertically challenged momma’s. I had the hardest time getting him in and out of his crib so crib height was definitely a huge factor this go around. Also, I don’t think I’ve ever read so many reviews on baby items. Is it safe? Is it practical? Is it worth the money? Things I really didn't think about when preparing for Talon.

Now let’s talk about wine. If you know me, you know how much I love a good glass of red wine. I saw this meme on FB one day and am pretty sure it was created for me. 

No matter how much I’ve wanted to take even just a sip, I’ve refrained. While I truly believe a sip or two would not hurt the baby at all, it’s a chance that isn’t worth taking. Same with foods. While I think some recommendations of what not to eat are a little over cautious, it’s not worth the risk. Have a followed all the rules? No. I eat lunch meat, I consume some caffeine every day, I’m occasionally around second hand smoke, and take prescribed medicines every single day,  but I’m much more cognizant of it this go around. And the reason really being because my baby and pregnancy have enough going against them with my health alone, no need adding any other possible risks into the equation.  I’d rather be too cautious than not enough than have to live with knowing that I could have prevented something from happening otherwise.

Then there’s leaving the baby after she arrives. I was back to work full time, 50+ hours a week about 4 weeks after Talon was born. With Taylor, I plan on taking 8 weeks off after she arrives but even that doesn’t seem nearly long enough. We have a wedding to go to this summer where I thought about leaving her overnight with family but I’m about 99% sure that won’t happen because I don’t think I’ll be ready to leave her for that long just yet.

I read baby blogs, I fill out and mail in all those warranty/recall forms for everything we purchase, I count kicks, I have checklists on things I need to do before she gets here, I even downloaded an app to check her heartbeat every day.

And while it may seem like poor Talon got the short end of the stick, that’s definitely not the case now. Luckily while raising him, I grew up along the way. Even though I should be used to him not staying with me every night since I share his time with his dad, it hasn’t gotten easier over the years. If anything, it’s gotten harder. I miss him terribly when he’s gone. On top of that, I worry non stop when he’s not with me. Though I know he’s probably fine, when he’s with me, I know 100% he is fine.  And I’m so protective of him, and have become even more so knowing that his world is really getting ready to change and want to make sure no one shows him any less attention or favoritism towards his sister. My babies are my world.  

So will I still apply the 5 second rule to a dropped pacy? Probably. But as far as preparing and getting ready, this time around feels so completely different. I’m not anxious, I’m not nervous, and I feel ready. Let’s see if that feeling lasts once she is here. :)

It's The Final Countdown!

We are officially down to single digits in weeks… the final stretch!

 I can’t even begin to explain how excited I am, in case you couldn’t tell. This journey has definitely been an emotional one—one that started rocky (and throw up’y), anxious about the ‘what ifs’ and the unknowns, and finally excited as each week passes and I’ve received good health updates for both Taylor and I.

I’ve truly enjoyed these last couple months of pregnancy . From about 3 months up until this point, I’ve been feeling good, have been able to eat pretty normal (with the exception of some foods and most drinks), have had some energy, and have loved watching my sweet girl grow and move inside my belly. However, the morning sickness and lack of energy is beginning to creep back in (sad face), especially in the afternoons and evenings. I'm HOPEFUL it won't be near as bad as it was in the beginning but as each day passes, it slowly has been getting worse. The upside-- only 9 more week. Nine. More Weeks. I can do this! 

But the best part has been our health. If you’ve followed my pregnancy journey (or just follow my blog), then you know that I currently live with a chronic health condition—leukemia. While me having leukemia poses no risk to the baby, it poses a risk to me as I can’t undergo (normal) treatment while pregnant. It’s almost guaranteed that my type of leukemia will progress without treatment but the hope has been that it will slowly progress (which after taking a pretty big jump in the beginning, it has remained pretty steady since) to where I can go the full 9 months without treatment, safely have the baby, then immediately begin treatment again. This has been the case so far, which is so exciting! Assuming my latest test results come back good, I'll see my oncologist one more time at the end of February for more testing and if those results also come back good, then I'll for sure not have to undergo any treatment until after the baby arrives and won't need to be induced early for that reason. Fingers crossed this is the case! 

On a more exciting note, our sweet girl is doing great. One of the perks of being a high risk pregnancy is you get to see your baby a lot via ultrasound. We’ve had three so far and have two more scheduled—one at 32 weeks and the last at 36 weeks. It's always so reassuring and gives a peace of mind every time we see her on that screen looking healthy and perfect. She’s measuring a little further along than my original due date which means she'll either she’ll come a little early or she might be a little chunk :) 

These past few weeks we’ve enjoyed preparing for her big arrival. Her room is just about complete and I absolutely love it. 

I took my non-shopping husband to Target to register for some baby things and that was an experience. He was mind blown by some of the things that we’ll need and why we need them-- it's going to be so much fun watching him as a dad. :)  Up until a couple weeks ago, I had done such a good job suppressing the urge to buy baby clothes and accessories (aside from the basics). But after Christmas, I could wait no more and finally made my first splurge purchase and bought some of the cutest outfits. Eeek!! Little girl clothing is just so cute!! I’ve made a vow to not buy anymore clothes or accessories until at least after our showers and possibly until after she arrives. Let’s see how long that lasts. :)

Nine more weeks and I’ll be a mother of 2. God is good. <3 

Confession: 

Part of the reason why I've been feeling pretty good is because I've been taking Diclegis and Zantac since the beginning of my second trimester. They have both been my saving grace, up until this point anyways. I take Diclegis (4 times a day) and it usually keeps it the nausea at bay. I also have to take Zantac (2 times a day) because even when I do have an appetite, nearly all foods give me heartburn and acid reflux and made it near impossible to eat, that was until I started taking Zantac. I haven't had to take any anti-nausea meds in the past couple of months but have a feeling that will be changing pretty soon....

Because I deal with those issues, it's kept me from being that pregnant lady with her face shoved in a pint of ice cream. While part of that makes me sad because that should be one of the perks of being pregnant and growing a human inside your belly, on the plus side I haven't had to worry about gaining too much weight. I've gained 15 pounds so far and as you can tell from the pictures below, I don't look much different from my 26 week picture to my 30 week picture.  However, I'm fully expecting to pack on some pounds, especially in these final weeks. 

We're Half Way There!

Four and a half months later… we are half way there!

This is me at 20 weeks. Don't mind the messy, pulled back hair and lack of makeup. I had just taken a nap (which happens almost daily). 

SO much has changed since the last time I blogged about my pregnancy and my health. I’m in my second trimester (yay!), my hyperemesis has downgraded to just normal pregnancy morning sickness (double yay!), my leukemia is starting to stabilize (triple yay!), AND we found out that our precious baby girl is completely healthy (quadruple yay!). My days are filled with less worry and now more excitement!

People told me it would happen, and I remembering it happening when I was pregnant with Talon, but when you are so miserably sick, you don’t think it’s ever going to happen. Around 13 weeks, I woke up one Monday morning and it was like a fog had been lifted. If you follow my blog then you know, week 6-12 was completely and utterly miserable. I couldn’t eat a bite of food, I couldn’t drink a drop of water, all I could do was just try to sleep because I was dealing with your not so average morning sickness—hyperemesis. I spent a couple of days in the hospital getting fluids because I was so dehydrated and ending up losing a total of 10 pounds during the course of that time. I couldn’t even concentrate to watch a TV show and couldn’t even carry on a conversation because I was that miserable, all day every day. Unless you’ve had hyperemesis, it’s really hard to put into words how terrible it is. But just when I didn’t think I could handle it any longer, the second trimester started and I slowly began feeling like better and better and now at 20 weeks, I can say I feel like a normal pregnant person. It’s so very exciting!!

I still have to take Diclegis 4x a day (and if I miss a dose I can totally tell) but only have to take anti-nausea meds as needed (I was taking them around the clock). I do still get sick on occasion but it’s nowhere near what it was. I can put in a full day at the office, I have energy to put effort into getting ready which includes putting on makeup and fixing my hair, I can do laundry, clean house, and even started cooking again this past week—I’m pretty much back to my normal routine. Even though I'm struggling with anemia, I still have so much more energy than what I have had. I’m still limited on what I can eat (still can’t eat red meat—no burgers or steaks -- and I crave a burger from Laha's like something awful, warm, heavy foods are a no go, and sweets are limited—no chocolate) but I can eat, I CAN EAT! I still can only drink water and a little unsweet tea but it’s better than having to get fluids from an IV. Now the sad part-- the foods that I crave are salad, apples, string cheese, and almonds. How boring is that? And I’m not normally a salad or apple eater, until now.  It’s so weird how your body changes when you’re pregnant. It’s like my body knows how I’m normally such an unhealthy eater so it’s forcing me to be healthy while pregnant. I know that’s something I should be happy about (and I am) but that’s supposed to be one of the perks of being pregnant, right? Using the excuse that you’re pregnant and eating whatever you want? I still have a few more months to go so maybe that will change. On the other side of that, since I haven’t been spooning ice cream out of the tub every night, I haven’t gained much weight. Well technically, I haven’t gained any. Now I weigh the exact same as I did before I was pregnant. BUT I did lose 10 pounds initially and just now gained that back, and the fact that I feel like I can’t eat enough tells me I’ll probably be packing on the pounds soon. :)

And now onto my health. If you follow me on FB then you know that last week I received some really exciting news from my oncologist. The risk of me being pregnant is that I can’t take my normal treatment for my leukemia, which inevitably means my leukemia will progress throughout my pregnancy. So long as that slowly happens, then we can delay treatment until after I have the baby. Each month, we do a couple of blood tests to essentially check where my leukemia level is. Initially, my numbers increased pretty quickly which was a huge concern so I was prepared to start treatment sometime soon. Well my last blood test results showed that my numbers weren’t increasing as quickly anymore and were beginning to stabilize, which is what we want. The longer it remains like this, the longer we can delay treatment, which overall is what is best for me and baby. Now that could change at any moment (I get tested every 4 weeks) but the results of this last test gave me hope that there might be a chance that we delay treatment until AFTER I have the baby—something I was convinced otherwise in the beginning. It was a good day.

And then icing on the cake?? Finding out today that our little GIRL is completely healthy and growing just like she should. Now THAT was music to my ears. It’s been hard to enjoy this pregnancy because I have been so concerned— having leukemia and knowing the risk is poses to me and baby, having hyperemesis and that being so hard on my already weak immune system, and having to take medications that even though I know are ‘safe’ during pregnancy, still can’t help but make you worry—my biggest concern all along was the health of this baby. So when we finally got to see for ourselves and hear from our doctor that SHE looks perfect, it was the best news ever. Did I mention I’m going to have a daughter? It’s so crazy to say. I was convinced I’d always be a boy mom. Looks like God had other plans. :)

So how am I feeling at 20 weeks (4.5 months) pregnant? Blessed, thankful, and so completely overwhelmed with the joy and excitement. Let the fun begin!

Confession:

TJ and Talon were both pulling for a boy. I think TJ is still in shock but excited (and possibly a bit scared :) ) but Talon was instantly excited when I told him the good news. His response—“I’m so happy WE are having a girl!” It melts my heart every time he talks about the baby. It’s not ‘mom is having a baby’, it’s ‘WE are having a baby.’ That boy is going to be the best big brother. <3


To read more about my pregnancy journey, click here. 

My Pregnancy Journey: The Uncut Version

So two weeks ago, I posted this on Facebook---

While I was very excited that I was FINALLY feeling some relief from the horrible pregnancy plague, also known as Hyperemesis, a big part of me was hesitant to be excited. That’s because I knew it was very likely that I was getting excited too soon, which turned out to be true. 

You see, the week prior, I went in for my monthly testing to check the status of my leukemia. They have to send this test off and it usually takes about 1-2 weeks before you get the results back.  I was expecting those results back any day and had a feeling that I wasn’t going to like the results. Not to get into too much detail, but in additional to the test that they have to send off, there is a simple blood test that they also do locally (where you know the results within hours) that can show red flags. I always check those results as soon as they are available and for the first time since being diagnosed, it showed those red flags. So I knew something was up, I was just left to wait for the real, definitive results.

If you follow my blog, then you know that around the time I found out I was pregnant (and after two months of stopping treatment), my leukemia showed signs of progressing. It went from half a percent to 2%. Not a HUGE jump, but still a sign of progression. We knew this was likely to happen, just so long as it happened slowly. That’s the best thing about this type of cancer—it’s slow growing. Many people have it for months or even years before its detected. That’s why some women choose to stop treatment to have children because the likelihood of it progressing to a very serious level within 9-12 months is slim.

The very next day after posting about how excited I was to FINALLY be feeling better and more like a ‘normal’ pregnant person, I got a call from my oncologist who told me what I didn’t want to hear. “Your numbers took a big jump. I’m sending you to the head of hematology at the UK Markey Cancer Center to get his opinion on where we go from here.” I went from .5%, to 2% in 2 months, to 15% in just 2 more months. That’s a very BIG jump very QUICK.

I was headed to a meeting for work when I got this call and after hanging up, I couldn’t contain my emotions and began to cry. Luckily I had another co-worker going to this meeting who was able to cover it for me so I changed my route and ended up in my driveway where I continued to cry, and cry. The cry wasn’t out of fear or worry, it was out of frustration. I knew what this meant. It meant that just as I was finally beginning to feel better it would be short lived because I would soon have to start treatment, which would make me feel sick again. I just wanted to be normal, feel normal, be able to work like normal, be able to take care of my home like normal, be able to spend time with my family like normal.

And to be completely honest, for a brief moment, my tears were for fear. Not for myself, but for my 8 year old sweet baby boy, Talon. We knew there was risk involved and challenges we'd have to go through for me to have more children, but it was a risk we felt confident and hopeful about. But what if we made the wrong choice? If something were to happen to me, I know it would be hard but I know my husband would eventually be okay, and my family would eventually be okay, but what about Talon? How selfish of me to have wanted another child so badly that it was worth risking him having to grow up without a mother. That is my biggest fear. And for a brief moment, that fear crossed my mind.

But then I pulled myself together. We knew it was likely that my numbers would progress. We hoped it would happen slowly to where I would never need treatment during pregnancy but we knew that was a possibility. And we knew if that were to happen, there is a couple of different options of treatment I could take that would be safe for the baby. We knew that if that point came, my oncologist would send me to the UK Markey Cancer Center to create a plan and go from there. So while all of this was definitely not wanted, I can’t say it was a surprise. We knew these were all possibilities and risks involved and the risks that we accepted when starting this journey. And this is where we are.

Before starting this journey, I reached out to other ladies in one of my CML support groups who have had or were also trying to have children. I remembered one in particular who actually had this very similar situation happen to her so I immediately reached out to her to ask how she was doing, how the baby was doing, and what actions she was taking to be sure she is able to safely deliver a healthy baby. Her response gave me so much hope and a sense of peace. She had started the treatment, which posed some challenges, but her and baby were doing well. She was having tests and doctors’ appointments about every week. She had found ways to cope with side effects of the treatment and had still been able to work. It was exactly what I needed to hear.

A week and a half later, my mother, husband and I traveled to Lexington to meet with this new doctor and learn what’s next. Having done so much research prior, I knew what was likely to happen next. I knew I would have to begin treatment, I knew I would have to deal with some bad side effects for the remainder of the pregnancy, but I knew it’s what had to be done and I was ready for it.

But what I didn’t anticipate was for this doctor to offer me something that I didn’t expect— time. While there is definitely reason to be concerned, we aren’t at ‘code red’, yet. While my numbers did take a big jump, I’m still in phase 1. There are 3 phases to CML. Phase one is chronic, phase two is accelerated, phase three is blast, which turns into a completely different type of cancer that becomes very aggressive and hard to treat. The goal is to keep my CML from going to phase 3. My doctor’s recommendation was so long as I’m in phase 1, do nothing except continue to test and monitor on a regular basis. Once I enter into phase 2 (which is very likely to happen at some point during this pregnancy), then I will begin treatment. He reassured me that the likelihood of this progressing to the blast phase during my pregnancy without treatment at all was slim, but I’ll start treatment before it gets to that point. This was like music to my ears. So at this point in time, we do nothing, just test and wait. So while I expected to leave that doctors appointment with a hand full of syringes for the injections I’d have to start giving myself each night, I instead left empty handed but also with a new sense of relief and hope.

So what does this all mean-- It means that it is still very likely that I’ll have to start treatment at some point during this pregnancy, but not today. And THAT makes me soooo excited because I have more time to enjoy being a somewhat normal pregnant person. Of course that could change at any moment, but I’m prepared for that. I’ll get my latest test results back later this week and that may show I need to start treatment. It’s likely that WON'T be the case and I’ll test again in 4-6 weeks and wait to see what those test results show, so on and so forth. So in my mind, I likely have a good 1-2 months (maybe even longer) before I’ll have to begin treatment. The longer I can hold off, the better. What is also likely is I’ll have this baby earlier than my due date. I’ll likely be induced as soon as it’s safe for the baby. That’s because even though the treatment I’ll be taking while pregnant is deemed safe for the baby, it’s not the most effective treatment for CML. It’s actually not a treatment, it’s an immunotherapy called Interferon. Typical treatment for CML is a targeted therapy in the form of a pill (it’s like chemo, but it only kills the ‘bad’ cells where chemo kills all cells). This can cause birth defects so it’s not recommended to take while pregnant, which is obviously why I haven’t been taking it since we decided to start this journey. But the immunotherapy is safe for the baby. It’s essentially a therapy that boosts your immune system so you can naturally fight off cancers. The goal of this treatment isn’t to actually treat the leukemia, just stop it from progressing until I can safely begin normal treatment again, which can happen after I have the baby.

While all of this might sound crazy and overwhelming and you wonder why anyone would put themselves through this, I am actually excited (again), hopeful, and at peace with where we are at this point in time. Aside from that one moment that one day a couple weeks ago, I’m not worried at all. Is it a false sense of hope? Maybe. But when I was diagnosed with leukemia three years ago, I decided I was going to live my life as ‘normal’ as possible, even though that meant facing a lot of challenges, and even though it would probably be anything but easy. And this is me doing just that. And if I know one thing, it’s that the only thing worrying will do is keep you from enjoying life, and ain’t nobody got time for that. <3

Confession:

I was really hesitant about writing this blog post. I definitely don’t want pity or for people to worry for me because this is a choice we made and risks we accepted. And to be honest, the less I have to think about these challenges, the easier. It’s just easier when people are asking how things are going, for me to answer “good” than go into all of these complicated details.  It’s just more fun to pretend I’m a ‘normal’ person going through the joys of pregnancy. It’s more fun to talk about how I now can drink unsweet tea (yay caffeine) and how we can’t wait to find out if we are having a boy or girl so we can begin shopping, or talk about how funny it is going to be to see TJ holding a baby, and just enjoy watching my belly get bigger and bigger as this little peanut continues to grow, than it is to talk about obstacles and challenges we have to face. But because there isn’t a What To Expect When You Have CML and Are Expecting manual, I made a vow to document this entire process from start to finish for other ladies who are in my shoes and who have CML and are thinking about having children one day. Good, bad, or otherwise, this is a part of my pregnancy journey. 

You can follow my entire journey here. 

A Royal Sickness

Turns out Princess Kate and I have something in common.......

Hypermesis Graviduram. That’s probably like a foreign language to most but for 2% of pregnant women, those are some cuss words.

Imagine your worst hangover ever….

Now imagine feeling like that all day, every day….

Welcome to life with Hypermesis (minus the alcohol, and minus the fun time and bad decisions the night before).

Hypermesis Graviduram (or also known as HG) is severe nausea, vomiting, and dehydration in pregnant women. This ISN’T your typical morning sickness. This is when your body acts like it’s growing a half human/half vampire in your belly and it sucks the life out of you (that’s a Twlight reference for those who didn’t catch that.)

I suffered from HG when I was pregnant with Talon. It was so bad, I had to quit my job. I couldn’t eat or drink anything without immediately throwing it back up. I started out at 110 pounds, went down to 97 pounds in the first trimester and slept through the first half of my pregnancy thanks to the Phenergan. It was miserable. There was one silver lining however—I only ended up weighing about 125pds at 9 months and had an almost 9 pound baby so within just a couple of DAYS after giving birth, I was smaller than I was before I got pregnant. I remember in the last trimester, I finally got my first pregnancy craving—cheese pizza from Papa John’s. How boring is that? It was a long 9 months but oh so worth it. My sweet baby boy forever changed my life and I would do it all over again. Well, I am doing it all over again. :)

Flash forward 8 years later. I find myself in the hospital from dehydration and completely miserable due to HG and the nurse asks me—so you had HG with your first pregnancy and you decided to do it again? Yeah, I was asking myself the same thing. It’s funny how you can forget how bad something is when so much time has passed. I was hoping it would be different this time. Wishful thinking.

My pregnancy didn’t start out rough, at first. I felt great up until 6 weeks. Ate whatever I wanted, did whatever I wanted, I was loving life. Then it was like my body realized what was going on and went into shock. I couldn’t eat or drink a thing. Nothing sounded appetizing. I was nauseous from the pregnancy, then nauseous from being hungry but not able to eat. I started out at 114 pounds and went down to 105 in less than two weeks. I was miserable. I could barely walk to the bathroom and couldn’t even carry on a conversation. All I could do was lay there and hope my anti-nausea meds would knock me out. I was admitted to the hospital for dehydration (or to be more technical, I had ketones in my urine which isn’t good during pregnancy). They pumped me full of fluids and full of anti-nausea meds but I still felt miserable, still couldn’t carry on a conversation or focus on anything except how miserable I was feeling. They let me go home and my doctor prescribed me something called Diclegis to take in conjunction with my anti-nausea meds. After taking my first dose of Diclegis, I instantly starting feeling some relief and was even able to eat part of a sandwich. It was so exciting, but short lived. 

The next several days I still felt miserable and found myself back in the hospital getting more fluids. At this point, I had taken 6 straight days off from work and began wondering how I was going to make it through this pregnancy. My house was a wreck, I hadn’t done laundry in forever, my 8 year old was eating Doritos and Pediasures for dinner because I didn’t even have the strength or stomach to go to the kitchen and make him something to eat, and I had to depend on TJ to do everything—drop Talon off at school, pick him up, take him to practice, pick me up some ice or some food that I would try to eat, bring me something from the kitchen, go to the grocery for me, pick up my prescriptions, do laundry, do everything because I couldn’t. Talk about a test in your first year of marriage.

But then I started to feel SOME relief. I figured out what medication to take and when and with what. I am able to stomach a couple of bites of certain foods and handle a few sips of water. Now this might now seem like much but it’s better than nothing which what I was eating/drinking before. And I’ve made it back to work, most days. I still haven’t made it through a whole work day and I still feel completely miserable and still haven’t gained any weight, but I’m throwing up less (it’s mostly gagging and dry-heaves, TMI I know) and throughout the day, I’m able to eat a total of almost one meal and consume about one bottle of water. I’m still at 105 pounds but have maintained it. I still have a hard time focusing on anything but the misery I feel but it’s better than before. I am still very weak and can’t do much more than walk from one room to another, but it’s better. I still have to sit down while getting ready in the morning and it still takes forever to do so because I have to stop and take breaks so I don’t pass out or throw up but I’m able to do so most days. So if we are being honest here, I still feel pretty miserable but it’s better than before. I’m able to somewhat function again. My house is still a wreck, my laundry is still piled high, I still have to depend on TJ to take care of Talon most days, I still can’t socialize with friends or family, but I’m able to work some and do more than just sleep. And I’m hopeful it will continue to get better as my pregnancy progresses.

First my days consisted of trying to sleep all day, every day. Now my days consist of making it to work part of the day, making sure I’m taking my medications at the exact time, then coming home and sitting/laying on the couch then eventually finding the strength to walk to the bedroom and go to bed. and always stressing about what I’m going to try to eat because I know as soon as I get hungry, if I don’t find something to nibble on, I’ll be down for the rest of the day. Talon, TJ, my family, and my friends have been completely neglected by me. Lucky for me, they are all very understanding and very supportive. And I’m even more fortunate that my boss has been so flexible and accommodating to me at work. It’s definitely helped to relieve some stress.

So in a nutshell, having hyperemesis is when…..

• ·         You can only stomach sips of water but crave flavor SOOOO bad that you will take a drink of apple juice or orange juice but immediately regret it after, yet you will do it again the next day.
• ·         You have to have your husband drive you to the grocery store OR go for you because you don’t have the strength to go yourself and need that support in case you find yourself throwing up in isle 4.
• ·         While you love brushing your teeth to get rid of that nasty taste in your mouth, you also dread it because it also aggravates your super sensitive gag reflexes and, well you get the picture.
• ·         You wake up with some Trix (as in the cereal) stuck behind your ear because most of your eating happens in bed.
• ·         Before you eat something, you ask yourself “am I okay with throwing this back up later?” because that's most likely what will happen.
• ·         When you can’t wear anything remotely tight or fitting or it makes the nausea even worse so your limited to wearing the couple pair of stretchy pants that you have, unbuttoned and sometimes unzipped and a long shirt to cover. You would wear a dress but that would require you to shave your legs and well, that ain’t happening.
• ·         When even though you are losing weight by the day, your boobs keep growing by the minute and your bras no longer fit so you are forced to wear a tank top with a built in bra until you muster up enough strength to go to Target and find something that fits, and isn’t tight, and has no wires, and really does nothing for support. Options are limited, let me tell ya.
• ·         When you get home from work, you strip down to a tank top and underwear and that’s all you wear until you have to go out in public again (forewarning to anyone who just wants to ‘stop by’)
• ·         When you are tired alllllll of the time. Pregnancy itself causes tiredness, then not being able to consume any caffeine (not because you don’t want to, but because you can’t stomach it) is even worse, then add on the drowsiness caused by the anti-nausea meds you are taking around the clock—I call that Triple Tired.
• ·         You waste soooo much money of food because you are willing to try anything that you can keep down but really can’t eat any of it.
• ·         You now hate the thought of the foods you once loved. Me, the person who could eat all day, everyday. Now thinking about food is just misery.
• ·         When you see a commercial on TV about food, you have to close your eyes or change it real quick or when someone shares a recipe on FB you have to scroll past it real quick because just the thought of warm food can make you throw up… just the THOUGHT.
• ·         You manage to force some food and water down your throat then make one false move (turn to fast, get up to fast, eat something with flavor) then you throw it all back up and in your best Baby from Dirty Dance voice, you throw your arms up in the sky and say “ I did it for nothing!!”
• ·         You constantly have a lump in your throat and know at any given time, you could throw up. 
• ·         When you always have a trash bag, napkins, and bottled water in your car at all times.
•           You realize how great of a support system you have because your family is stepping up to do anything for you (my Aunt went grocery shopping for me, my Mom cleaned my house, my husband never says no to anything I ask)

So why am I telling you this? I assure you it’s not for pity. I knew what could be when signed myself up for this. I say this so if you see me out, at work, in town, at the ballpark and I have this horrible look of disgust on my face (I try to keep a smile but if not), it’s because I have the worst taste in my mouth and feel like at any moment in time, I could throw up. If I’m standoffish, not talkative, nor overly friendly, it’s nothing personal, it’s just because I’m so miserable that it’s hard for me to carry on a conversation. Hopefully the worst will only last a couple more weeks then I’ll get to enjoy regular morning sickness the rest of the time. :)

While with my pregnancy comes misery, the prize at the end will be so completely worth it! Come on March 2016!

So for anyone else who suffers from HG, here are some things that I have found that work---

• Take Zofran morning, lunch, evening (after you’ve had a couple of bites of something)
• Take Diclegis morning, after lunch, and before bed
• Take Phenergan at night before bed
• If you can only drink water and even that’s too hard, mix in a splash of 7UP or Apple Juice
• Food that works for me--- cold foods only (bagels, chicken salad, turkey sandwiches, pears and peaches, black bean and rice burrito)
•  Eat very small bites and very slowly
• Don’t drink through a straw
• Don't drink water on an empty stomach
• Try to eat as bland as possible

Confession:

So I’m sure many people frown at the thought of taking medications while being pregnant. However, I’m a firm believer that you have to weigh the pros and cons. I took Pheneragan during my pregnancy with Talon and he turned out a-okay. Everything I’m taking is deemed safe to take while pregnant. The alternative is to not take them, and I’m honestly not sure I nor the baby would be able to survive without them. I have to have my body as healthy and as strong as possible, not just for the baby, but also because I need my body to also naturally fight off this cancer since I’m not able to take treatment for it. 

Garrett, Party of Four

Ahhhh, a baby. And a puppy. And the other two dogs we have along with the 8 year old. Life for the Garrett’s is about to be crazy, and I’m so excited!

(our newest addition to the family-- Murray)

So if you keep up with my blog, then you already knew that TJ and I were trying to grow our family and that we had a limited time frame to do so (read more here). First of all, with the type of leukemia I have and will always have, my treatment comes in pill form that I have to take every single day to keep it under control. The only problem is, it’s not recommended to take it while pregnant because it can cause birth defects. The recommendation from my oncologist was to keep taking it until I had a positive pregnancy test (actually his recommendation was to not have any more kids but he knew that wasn’t going to happen). However, I didn’t feel comfortable having it in my system at all so after doing some research of my own, I decided to stop taking it before we started trying. The longer I’m off it, the more at risk I am for my cancer to progress to a serious level so we gave ourselves three months to make this happen. If it didn’t, we would try again next year. 

Secondly, the most demanding time for me at work is between October-February. That’s the time of our campaign which means I’m in lots of meetings asking people for money to support our cause. I’m a fundraiser, it’s what I do. So I had to time it where I wouldn’t either be a. dealing with morning sickness during that time and b. wouldn’t be on maternity leave during that time. So that left us the summer. Since we had some many factors against us and such a small time frame, though I wanted it to happen more than anything, I tried not to be overly optimistic about it.

So two months off my meds had passed and I went to my quarterly checkup with my oncologist. Testing showed that my leukemia had progressed by 1.5%. Now that might not seem like much, but it’s higher than it’s ever been since being diagnosed with leukemia. It was heartbreaking to hear. While I expected it to gradually increase, I was hoping it would take longer than a couple of months to begin. So the next question was—how much longer do we keep trying? Our window was closing and it just seemed like it wasn’t meant to be so we decided to hold off. It was becoming stressful on our relationship.  I decided to wait a few more days before I started to take my medicines again so I could enjoy a side-effect free life for just a little bit longer. 

The day had arrived for me to begin my 8+ pill daily regiment but something inside of me told me to take a pregnancy test, just in case. I had no reason too—I wasn’t late nor felt any different.  When the results came back, I was in complete shock at what I saw-- It was positive!  My first thought was an exciting—‘Oh my gosh I’m pregnant!’ The next thought was a scared—‘Oh my gosh I’m PREGNANT.’ Even though this was planned, the initial thought scared me to pieces. Am I ready to give up my nights full of sleep and free time? Our world is about to completely change. Are we ready? What if my leukemia progresses? Then a sense of calmness came over me. All odds were against us, the time frame for trying was unrealistic, but it happened, and I think God had a big hand in that. I've never been in control of it anyways, but He has been so what is there to worry about? 

Garrett Party of Four (and 3 dogs)-- Coming March 2016!

CONFESSION:

While I’d like to say this has been a fun, exciting, uneventful pregnancy thus far, it’s been everything but. Not only am I growing a child in my belly while my body is also fighting leukemia, I’ve also been blessed with what us lucky 2% of women deal with during pregnancy—hyperemesis gravidarum (hg). More to come on that.