Survivor's Guilt

Seeing all of the Facebook posts about parents sending off their children to college has brought about a lot of emotions these last couple of days.  I can't help but think, "That's supposed to be Brianna. Tonya and David should be enjoying this bittersweet moment with their daughter, who was so eager to go to WKU and begin a new chapter in her life."  But they're not. Instead, they are trying to figure out what their new purpose in life is, a life without either of their children.

Weeks have past, life has slowed down, and slowly we've all attempted to get back into our day to day routine. And it's been hard.  It still doesn't feel right to go on with life as 'normal', especially knowing that my aunt and uncle can't. I think all of my family has been suffering from 'survivors guilt', on top of the sadness that we already feel. It's hard. 

It's hard passing by both of the places where Brice and Brianna had their accidents and seeing those crosses. It's hard going to their graves and realizing, they really are gone. I still get the biggest pit in my stomach every time I remind myself of this. It's hard seeing my aunt and uncle break down, knowing there is absolutely nothing we can do to fix this. Every time I see the If I Stay movie preview, I cry, because it hits way to close to home. It's hard.

But I will tell you, some of my happiest moments have been with my family. My aunt and uncle took a few days to just get away and before leaving, we all had dinner together. For two hours, we laughed, we cried, and we laughed some more. I left the restaurant that night with a sense of peace, and it felt great. 

Then a week later, my family played in a softball tournament that benefited my cousins.  It was the most fun I have had in a very long time. Just being on a field playing a sport that my cousins loved, together as a family, laughing and having a good time, I didn't want the moment to end. But it did, it always does, and we go back to our day to day routine, waiting for those moments that allow us to escape our sadness and just enjoy the moment in front of us. And those moments are so, so sweet. 

I'm still struggling with enjoying things in life and not feeling guilty about it. TJ and I had planned on getting married in September but we've gone back and forth on what we should do because it just doesn't feel right to celebrate something that my aunt and uncle will never get to share with their children. Even something as simple as blogging about personal life things doesn't seem right. But I know my aunt and uncle want us all to continue to enjoy our lives, probably now more than ever knowing that we really aren't promised tomorrow, and I'm going to try to. But I don't know if I or any of us will ever be able to fully until the day my aunt and uncle can enjoy their lives again.

And I long for that day.